This Is Me....Then

My Dirty 30: New Beginnings!

2010-12-01T13:01:00.002-06:00

Hello good people! It's been a minute but I promise to update more lol.

I've reached another milestone today: I'm finally 30! Sometimes I still feel like I'm 18 so it's kinda surreal that this day is here but I have to say, I've been looking forward to turning 30 for the past 2 years. Seems like once I got past 27, I started going through a change. Many of the things that used to bother me and get under my skin I now let roll off my back. Unless it's something major (like family emergency or money issues), my stress level has gone waaaaay down. I'm not a robot so of course I acknowledge all of my feelings, I just know how to handle them better now lol. I'm much calmer than I was in my early 20s. I'm content with where my life is heading (down a path I'm carving for myself), and the friends and fam that bring me joy.

It's funny, when I was in my teens, I was sure I'd be engaged or married by the time I was 25, and that I'd have my first child at 30. However, as they say, life happens when you're busy making plans. I'm as single as a one-dollar bill and childless. But you know what? I couldn't be happier. Sure, I'd love to be in a relationship, and I've actually had some recent offers, but I decided a long time ago that I wouldn't be seriously involved with anyone unless it felt right. I've met some really cool guys to have fun with but none to become emotionally involved with. So, I'll stay single until I meet someone who knows how to be a lover, but most importantly, knows how to be a friend.

Career wise, I'm at the beginning. I've made some progress but I still have ways to go. I’m excited about my blog (my blog hits have been extremely good considering it’s only been two months), I’ve gotten some writing clips under my belt with a local magazine, and I’ve started working with an artist as part of his stylist team. Doing research on other fashion bloggers/stylists/consultants that I admire, I know that with time, patience, and some strategic moves, I can continue to grow and make a name for myself in this field. I’ve already set some goals for myself this year:

~Return to school (my schedule is still hectic but I miss being in school and I’m a little more than halfway done with attaining my Bachelor’s. I’ve reached out to get things started for Spring/Winter).

~Develop relationships with local retailers (I won’t go into detail but I have a few ideas that could be win-win situations for all parties involved!)

~Gain more clients. Wardrobe Consulting is something I’m interested in so I have to put myself out there more. May have to do a few pro bono projects but the process is fun, so it’ll be worth it.

~Grow my blog. I love KP Fusion. Researching and coming up with fresh content is fun. I hope to grow it enough to where I can finally move to my own site (as opposed to Blogger hosting it). I know I can do that now but I have my reasons for waiting. There’s so much more that I want to add to it. Everything just takes time.

Anyway, there are many more things I hope to accomplish this year but these are the majors. 30 is the beginning of a new chapter in my life and I’m ready to get started!

My Aha Moment: Vote For Me!

2010-10-05T02:43:00.000-05:00

A few months ago, I filmed an "Aha Moment" with Mutual of Omaha during their tour across the country. Aha Moments are moments in your life that make an impact and/or change you in some way. My moment was about me deciding to leave corporate america and pursue happiness. As my friends know, I worked in Healthcare Management for 6 years. I worked my way up from being a clerk to the network development coordinator (contracting). I knew I needed at least a Bachelor's to go further up but when the time came for me to return to school, I decided to go in a completely different direction (but the direction that my heart was leaning towards), Fashion and Retail Management. Best decision I ever made. While I still have ways to go before I'm done with my studies, I'm happy that I started living for myself instead of doing what everyone else thought was best for me.

Anyhoo, I received an email last week letting me know that my moment was picked as one of the 75 finalists for their 2011 National Campaign! They filmed over 1,000 moments across the country so boy was i surprised! If you have a moment, visit this link (aha moment: voting) to view my moment and *fingers crossed* vote for me. The first round of voting ends Oct 15!

xoxo Kim

No Country for the Bored and Confused

2010-09-30T01:19:00.001-05:00

If you know me, you know that this is my FAVORITE time of the year. Summer was fun, but there's nothing like fall. You get to pull out all of your cute clothes and accessories, cook your favorite comfort foods (#allyummyeverything), and just sit and relax with friends as you watch the leaves turn and the days get shorter. These are the things I look forward to during this season.
What I do NOT look forward to is bored and/or confused exes coming out of the woodwork because Cuddle Season is nearing. Yup, Cuddle Season is fast approaching. People are now taking apps and testing out candidates to find their perfect Winter Boo (aren't sure what I mean? Click here).

Under normal circumstances, this could be fun. If you aren't already dating someone, your stock may go up as people start picking up the pace trying to secure that lucky fella or lady to share a toasty blanket with. This could be a plus for you, because it means more dates and more fun. Unfortunately, most of us are also starting to receive random texts, calls, Facebook Messages, BBM Pings, etc. from people that we have long forgotten about but for whatever reason, they haven't forgotten about us.

Sure, it starts innocent enough. "Hey how are you?" " How have you been?" "I was just checking on you, it's been a minute." blah, blah, blah. If you're polite and respond, I guarantee you will somehow, someway get sucked into the "we should catch up" conversation. Catching up leads to hanging out, and if it goes according to their plan, it will lead to them sharing a blanket with YOU.

Now if that's what you want, then fine. Go ahead and snuggle your little heart out. Me personally, I want to be left alone. I mean really, it's like there are certain people that no matter how many years later, they will always pop up out the blue trying to set up shop. It would be different if it was genuinely to say hello and then they went about their business. But noooo, I have learned from experience that if they contact me around this time of year, it's usually because they are bored, confused with life, or just plain single and assume that I am as well. Um, no.

When I was younger, I would entertain them reaching out because I felt like I HAD to remain friends with exes. If we didn't end on bad terms, why did we have to stop being friends? I've learned that it's not about that, though. Your life should only be filled with people, be it friends, family, or lovers, that bring a purpose to it. Sure we dated 2 years ago and it was fun-but why does that mean you have to text me everyday now or try to hang out? Why do we always have to talk about what it was like when we dated? Those are the things that irritate me when exes reach out. I've talked to too many men and women who have exes that feel like they will (or should) always have a place in their current life when that could be furthest from the truth. We're all at the point now that when it's over, it's over. You no longer pass go. You no longer get $200. Doesn't mean I have hard feelings or anything. It just means that if you contact me, more than likely your call/text/email will get the WTF face and then promptly be deleted. Let's treat this like High School: we can keep the fond memories but really, let's just keep the past in the past.

I've had 5 in the last 6 weeks "reach out" lol. Anybody else experiencing this?

Fusing It All Together

2010-09-24T03:49:00.000-05:00

Hey guys,

Whenever you get bored, come and check out my other blog, KP Fusion. For those that know me, you know that I'm interested in Wardrobe Consulting (slightly different from a stylist but with similar duties) so I figured it was time to make an online home for my thoughts concerning fashion. Previously I've done posts incorporating style tips however, this blog was originally created for my thoughts on dating, relationships, life, etc. After a convo with the bestie, I thought duh, how about just making a separate one?

KP Fusion will focus on fashion, makeup (did I mention I dabbled as an MUA as well?lol), organization; just all things related to style. You may just find some music posts as well, lol. Anyway, as I make my journey towards my ultimate goal (my own boutique), I hope you stop by and read. And comment. And pass on the link!

My other posts will resume soon (boy do I have some stories). In the meantime, hop on over to KP Fusion: http://kpfusion.blogspot.com/

xoxo

Love: Guilt-Free

2010-09-01T12:20:00.000-05:00

“Why don’t you want to be with me?”

How many people have asked someone this question? Be it during a break-up or to a friend who you think has the potential to be something more, sometimes it’s hard to understand why the feeling isn’t reciprocated. It could be a case of bad timing, they were ready to become exclusive and chose someone else, or they just weren’t interested anymore, but sometimes, “good” things do come to an end.

While it’s normal to wonder this (because only an idiot wouldn’t want someone as awesome as you, right?), how do you handle the rejection? Do you reflect on what was said and see why it wouldn’t work out? Or, do you spaz out and become that chick/guy we ALL hear about from our friends (you know, the crazy one that won’t stop calling and crying or ambushing them at different places wanting to know why it’s over).

A guy I know decided that he was no longer interested in a girl he was dating; things just fizzled out. He said he was upfront and let her know and as far as he was concerned, everything was cool; they both moved on, and that was that…until the calls started. Over the course of a few weeks, he’s had MULTIPLE conversations with the girl about why it was over. He’s even been told (by her) that he’s in denial and that they both know that they’re perfect for each other. He’s been very clear that a relationship with her is not in the cards so after the back and forth, SHE becomes frustrated, calls him and *sshole, and ends the conversation. Until she calls again.

Now while my understanding of the situation is based on he and I’s conversation, I’m a little perturbed by her actions. I mean, on one hand he could very well be giving her mixed signals during their conversations that somehow give her hope (just answering the phone is an inadvertent way of giving someone the go ahead they need to cut a shine) but at the same time, there should come a point where she asks herself:

“Why am I begging this person to be with me?”

Ladies and Gents, you should NEVER guilt a person into dating you. Although you may feel in your heart and soul that you are destined for greatness together, if you have to force it, it’s not meant to be. Sure, you may have an amazing connection that makes you want to hop on clouds and dance with fairies because you’re so giddy but if they aren’t exhibiting the same emotions, press pause. It is not healthy to try and force someone to continueon with you when they've made it clear that they want out. There is no way a relationship can be fulfilling if either party involved is there solely to make the other person happy. Either you will be together and both are miserable because of the emotional stress, or, someone will find solace somewhere else (which can open up a whole other can of worms).

Love should not be guilt-driven. Not every person you date is meant to be the ONE. Learn to take rejection with a grain of salt and respect someone’s decision to terminate a relationship. Sure, it may hurt sometimes but think about the times you’ve rejected someone for similar reasons . Before you open your mouth to ask them “why not”, realize that not being with them means that there is room for someone that is more compatible with you to come in. And isn’t that what we all really want?

What Makes It Love?

2010-08-31T00:20:00.000-05:00

When you have a strong connection with someone, there isn’t a schedule to go by to determine if/when it will turn into love. Some people fall fast and furiously, while others have a slow build. Whichever bliss filled road you travel, how do you know when what you feel has grown past the infatuation stage and is real, true, bona-fide love?

I pose that question because of a conversation I had with a friend recently. She’s been dating a guy for a few months and a few weeks ago, she thought it was love but now she’s not so sure. Nothing has changed with what the guy is doing; only that time has passed and they spend a lot of it together. In fact, the guy is head over heels for her. She wonders if she’s just nervous because it’s been a short time (and easy breezy) or if things, their connection, isn’t as great as she initially thought it to be. She told me that he professed his love way before her and I asked her “What makes him love you?” She honestly didn’t know. I asked her what made her love him and she confessed that she didn’t really know that either. She thinks he’s the sweetest guy ever and they do enjoy each other’s company but love? She’s not so sure anymore.

It has always been my belief that when the love bug bites you, you know what it is about the person that makes you feel it. It’s rarely anything over the top, but it’s more than just a general “oh they’re so sweet to me.” It’s usually something that’s so small and insignificant that most people would think, “that’s it?” but you’re sure of your heart so there’s no question of if it’s real. If you can’t figure out why you feel that way, there’s room for pause. Depending on your experiences before hand, the love you have may be a result of simply being happy that you’re dating someone steadily again.

Sometimes what we think is love is really us being in love with the possibility. Our feelings stay on a superficial level with no real foundation. We get so caught up in the “falling” part that unless something comes up that makes us question our feelings, we don’t really build anything of substance with the person. If you aren’t careful, you may find yourself in a relationship hoping that the love will eventually come because you jumped the gun with your emotions. If you’re truly honest with yourself, who wants that?

So what say you? How do you know when you're really in love?

Fashionable Fun: Popcorn or Milk Duds?

2010-08-01T13:36:00.000-05:00

Ahh, the movies. A place where you can go to escape from your life for a few hours, nosh on junk food, and depending on the film that you see, have interesting dialogue with your date.

I do not recommend movies for a first date because it seems awkward to sit in a theater with a person you barely know. Unless you've had enough conversations (plus an un-date) to put you at ease-and to also know that you share similar tastes-save it for a few dates down the line.

Choosing the movie theater that you go to is determined by the type of crowd you like to be around. On occasion, the movie itself will determine the location (for ex, foreign and independent films are typically shown at designated theaters. Unless there is huge budgeting behind it, you won't find it at the usual cineplex). At any rate, decide if you want to be in a huge theater with multiple screens (huge crowds) or a smaller with a handful of screens (with a more intimate feel).

There are so many good movies being released this summer so if you can, visit different theaters to see which crowd you like best. And remember, you don't have to always go at night; midday Matinee showings are fun as well!

A few theaters to check out:
Paradiso: 584 South Mendenhall Road, Memphis, TN 38117 (19 Screens)
Forest Hill Cinema: 3180 Village Shops Drive,Memphis, TN 38138 (8 Screens)
Cordova Cinema: 1080 Germantown Parkway,Memphis, TN 38018 (18 Screens)
Studio on the Square: 2105 Court Avenue, Memphis, TN 38104 (5 Screens)
(on occasion they show independent movies)
Ridgeway Four: 5853 Ridgeway Center Pkwy, Memphis, TN 38120 (4 Screens)
(independent & foreign films are shown here)

A few looks to try:

Jean by kimmiepooh featuring Max Studio shoes

Cargo by kimmiepooh featuring Cargo shorts

Easy by kimmiepooh featuring TopShop jeans

Fashionable Fun: Sip & Dip

2010-07-31T01:35:00.000-05:00

Sometimes, a girl just wants to look pretty. Not just your everyday cute, but that next level pretty. Your hair and nails are done, face is beat, and you have a new dress hanging in your closet. Where can you go so that it won't be a waste?

Cocktails and dancing!

Now let me say, going for cocktails and dancing is NOT the same as going clubbing. You're not going to get blitzed out of your mind or grind up against each other, lol. You're going to actually enjoy some nice libations and twirl/spin/samba the night away with your honey.

Depending on where you go, they may offer a beginner's session. If it's a style you've never tried before or if your skills are a little rusty, you can share some laughs while getting a refresher course.

Places to check out:
Grill 83: 83 Madison Avenue, Memphis, TN 38103
The Rumba Room: 303 S Main St, Memphis, TN 38103
Circa: 119 South Main Street #100 Memphis, TN 38103
Club 152: 152 Beale Street, Memphis, TN 38103
Safari World Tapas Bar: 414 South Main Street, Memphis, TN 38111
Stella Marris: 7955 Fischer Steel, Cordova, TN, 38018
The Silly Goose: 100 Peabody Place, Memphis, TN 38103

Looks to try:

Streamer by kimmiepooh featuring Arden B dresses

Drape by kimmiepooh featuring French Connection dresses

Lily by kimmiepooh featuring Dorothy Perkins shoes

Fashionable Fun: Music To My Ears

2010-07-29T12:36:00.000-05:00

It's Friday Night, you wanna go out, but not sure where to go. An easy option? Anywhere that you can hear live music. Doesn't have to be a large venue for a concert, but there are tons are places around your city where local bands and singer perform.

Going to a live show allows you to hear some new music (especially if you're tired of listening to the same ol' same ol') and/or if it's at a small bar or lounge, you still have the ability to talk with your date. Music is one of the EASIEST topics to bond over-we all listen to it so conversations (and the night) can go for hours :)

Places to check out:
Hi-Tone Cafe: 1913 Poplar Avenue, Memphis, TN 38104
Newby's: 539 S. Highland Street, Memphis, TN 38111
Earnestine & Hazel's 531 South Main Street, Memphis, TN 38103
Onix: 412 South Main Street, Memphis, TN 38103
Mollie Fontaine Lounge: 679 Adams Avenue Memphis, TN 38105

A few looks to try:

Bees Knees by kimmiepooh featuring Splendid tops

Sorbet by kimmiepooh featuring FOSSIL bags

Slate by kimmiepooh featuring ASOS shoes

What About Your (Male) Friends?

2010-07-27T04:27:00.001-05:00

So yesterday, a girlfriend & I were having a conversation about dating, race, and whatnot, and somehow we got on the topic of male friends. Last week, her best friend's husband made the comment to her that most men won't seriously date a woman that has many male friends. If the woman does have male friends, they're usually already within the social group (meaning the husband was already friends/acquaintances with the guy) so it's no big deal.

After he made the statement, she took a moment to analyze her married female friends' situations and sure enough, if they had male friends, it was either a long childhood friend or she knew them through the hubby. Now, this could very well be a coincidence, but we found some type of truth in the guy's statement. It's not the first time we've heard this, but usually when it was said, there was a salacious undertone to it. It's changed a bit because so many women are working with men more, and if you're an easy going, fun woman (and/or have cute girlfriends) your network of guy friends will inevitability increase. Plus, we're at the age now were feeling as though we have to maintain a close friendship with an ex once the thrill is gone is well, gone, so your circle truly is platonic. And nothing is wrong with male friends.

However...if you really, really stop to think what he said, look at yourself and your current dating status, do you see any truth?

By being a "guys girl" (meaning, men can hang out with us at any time and not worry about all of the formalities that come along with pursuing a girl that they like) are we inadvertently self-sabotaging ourselves?

Hmmm. Lately, I either meet guys that act weird within the first two or three conversations (the comfort level that guys have been jumping to nowadays when you first meet them is starting to scare me; post coming soon lol) OR the friend zone rears its head. I have a few guy friends that if it dating came up I'd go for it because our personalities and interests are compatible, but comparing that ratio to the one of the potential "suitors" that come my way? Eh, no comparison at ALL. My dating experiences have been on the slump lately (____ in the City anyone?) but, now that I think about it, I have not a huge amount, but a solid amount of male friends!

*Cue Hitchcock music*

Is this merely a coincidence? Or are the friendships playing a part in me not really meeting an ideal suitor? I can recall saying on occasion that I was ok with not dating because I know cool guys to hang with but um, what happens to me once THEY meet someone they fancy? Will I become chop liver? I never really thought about that until now. There's a possibility of two things: 1) I'm using the friendships as a crutch to keep from putting myself out there (I get everything I "need" from the friendships except for the romantic elements) or 2.) I could be deemed unapproachable while out because I'm usually hanging with the fellas.

What say you? Do you guys think her friend's hubby was right? Are you experiencing this now or have in the past? If so, how did you change the situation without letting some of your solid friendships go?
Discuss.

Fashionable Fun: Artistic Approach

2010-07-27T03:37:00.000-05:00

The more dates that you go on, the more diverse outings you (should) search for. For a lot of people, the places you choose to visit while out says a lot about who you are as an individual. It's very easy to do the usual dinner and a movie thing but if you're like me, you're looking to not just verbally share what your interests are, but to experience them as well. I think it's silly to have discussions about your hobbies and interests with someone, but when the question of "where should we go?" comes up, your options are limited to "the usual". What's the point of talking about them if it doesn't lead to a new adventure?

In saying that, going to a museum or gallery is another date option that steps outside of that stale, predictable box. Is it as adventurous as sky diving? No, lol, but again, it's an opportunity to either share a common interest, or even just to try something new if its never been your thing (and isn't this why you date?) Going to a gallery or a museum isn't as pretentious as some folks may think. Art truly is subjective, so it affects each person's senses and emotions in different ways. With creative art, you have so many styles and mediums (visual/decorative & performing arts for example), so while your thoughts might differ on what's "best", it's still a very fun way to share your afternoon or evening. Find your local paper, pick an exhibit, and get out to have some fun!

Places to check out:
Stax Museum: 926 East McLemore Avenue, Memphis, TN 38106
Dixon Gallery & Gardens: 4339 Park Avenue, Memphis, TN 38117
Memphis Brooks Museum of Art: 1934 Poplar Avenue, Memphis, TN‎ 38204
*there's also a restaurant on their grounds if you want to grab a bite to eat*
Odessa: 2613 Broad Avenue, Memphis, TN 38112

Looks to try:

Willow by kimmiepooh featuring Nine West bags

Graphic by kimmiepooh featuring Betsey Johnson jewelry

Stripes by kimmiepooh featuring Corso Como shoes

Fashionable Fun: Taking a Stroll

2010-07-22T11:13:00.000-05:00

Nothing beats going for a long walk with your honey. Be it on a busy city street or in a park, slowing down to take the scenic route is another opportunity to carve out some quality time.

People watching is always fun (you can even make up silly games), and depending on the area, you can pop in to different stores, galleries, or even come across a cool pond. Many times I've taken a stroll down Main Street with friends and we always stumbled across something new.

Being in that type of open environment allows your conversation to be a bit more spontaneous. You never know what you may see or experience, so moments like these will make your date that much more special.

A few areas to check out:
Downtown Mainstreet: (a plethora of restaurants, boutiques, and art galleriess. You can also take a ride on the trolley (only $1 per ride) if you need to rest your feet but still want to see the sights.
Cooper-Young District (Mid-town): restaurants, boutiques, antiques, bookstores, etc. There are also 2 coffee houses (Java Cabana and Otherlands) that host live music on some nights.
The Avenue at Carriage Crossing (Collierville): an open-air shopping destination, there are also restaurants, a bookstore (B&N) and Spa in the area to enjoy.
Overton Park (Mid-town): Pack a bag of snacks & a book, or bring your dogs, and go for a stroll around this 342-acre park. On sunny Sundays, you may catch drum session taking place.

A few outfits to try:

Sandy by kimmiepooh featuring See By Chloe shorts

Lax by kimmiepooh featuring Arden B dresses

The Blues are alright by kimmiepooh featuring See Thru Soul jeans

Fashionable Fun: Let's Play Ball

2010-07-20T01:32:00.001-05:00

If you and you SO are looking for something to do outside of the usual dinner or a movie, there's always a sporting event to attend in its place.

I know, I know, going to watch sports doesn't rate very high on most ladies "things to do list" because it isn't romantic BUT, dating does involve two people (and doesn't always have to be romantic) so it is an easy option.

Going to a sporting event is an easy way to kick back and enjoy a fun, high energy time with your honey. If you're unfamiliar with the game, it's a cute way for your guy to teach you something (hint: men LOVE to do this), and if you're still not interested in the game, you can still indulge in a little junk food, or people watch (which is always a blast!)

Below are a few things to check out:
Memphis RedBirds: AutoZone Park-175 Toyota Plz # 300 Memphis, TN 38103-2697
(through 9/6)
IBHA World Championship Show: Agricenter Show Place Arena-7777 Walnut Grove Road , Memphis, TN 38120 (7/29-8/8)
The Bluff City Classic-Southwest Community College: 737 Union Avenue, Memphis, TN 38103
(through 8/12)

And here are a few outfits to try:

Bud by kimmiepooh featuring Miss Selfridge skirts

Sunset by kimmiepooh featuring Amrita Singh jewelry

Faded by kimmiepooh featuring Daniblack shoes

Have any of you gone on sporting events for a date? How did it turn out?

Fashionable Fun: What's for Brunch?

2010-07-11T19:22:00.002-05:00

It’s Saturday around 11:00 a.m. It's too late for breakfast, but too early for lunch. Where does that leave us? Brunch! Mimosas, yummy waffles, (maybe even steak and eggs); brunch is a fun chance to catch up with your new friend/lover over food. How so?

Food, much like love, is a universal language: we all need it to survive. Why not try out different restaurant’s brunch offerings around the city when your schedule is too hectic to meet for dinner. Many offer live music, and depending on its location, going out for brunch is also be a chance for you to take a walk and explore a nearby bookstore or art gallery afterwards to walk off the meal.

A few places to check out:
Spindini, 383 South Main Street, Memphis, TN 38103
Bosco’s, 2120 Madison Avenue, Memphis, TN 38104
Old Venice Pizza Company, 368 Perkins Ext, Memphis, TN 38117-3802
Cockadoos, 85 South Second Street, Memphis, TN 38103

What you should wear depends on the dress code of the restaurant you go to. Most places are relaxed, but if you're like me, you still want to look cute (sweat pants & a rumpled up tee are a no-no!). Below are a few options:

Hat's All Folks! by kimmiepooh featuring Steve Madden shoes

Floating by kimmiepooh featuring Splendid dresses

Sunshine Girl by kimmiepooh featuring Paris Hilton shoes

Fashionable Fun: The Un-Date

2010-07-09T02:09:00.021-05:00

When you first meet someone, you spend a LOT of time talking (or at least you should) and asking questions so that you can get a feel for each other. Nowadays, however, sometimes your schedules won’t match up so a full-fledged date isn’t always possible. No worries though: that’s why coffee shops, smoothie bars, and parks were created!

It's called an "un-date". Un-date options are a way to get people out of the house and out of the habit of inviting people they barely even know to their homes (aka "kickin it"). Not everyone you date will be a stranger, but not everyone should know where you live. Going to one of these places for your initial meeting is a way to take some of the pressure off each other while being in a laid-back atmosphere. Besides, if you do an “un-date” the first time around and you discover you aren’t’ interested in dating OR being friends (this can happen if you like each other but there’s no real chemistry on ANY level) you’re not stuck staring at each over dinner bored out of your minds lol!

A few places to visit:
Bluff City Coffee: 505 South Main Street, Memphis, TN 38103
Tropical Smoothie Café: 1779 Kirby Parkway, Memphis
Court Square Park near 40 North Front Street
Otherlands Coffee Bar: 641 South Cooper Street, Memphis, TN 38104-5352

Below are three very casual yet cute outfits to try out:

Casual Corner by kimmiepooh featuring Steven Alan tops

Rustic by kimmiepooh featuring Miss Selfridge shoes

Cool Head by kimmiepooh featuring Chinese Laundry shoes

Un-dates allow you to meet with the person in a public atmosphere, away from alcohol (which can sometimes give a false sense of familiarity) and really gauge if this is a person you'd like to hang out with more. Plus it's inexpensive (you'll spend $15 bucks tops, unless you decide to go dutch and then it’s less than that) so there's really no excuse not to do it. I mean, if a person isn't willing to meet you to have a cup of coffee/tea/juice, or for a walk, shouldn't that raise a red flag?
So, what are some other choices for un-dates? Do you even go on them or just dive right on in with the 1st date?

Prelude to a Date: Fashionable Fun

2010-07-08T03:30:00.001-05:00

Summer is officially upon us and if you’re anything like me, as soon as the weather warmed up you thought “DATE NIGHT!” Whether you’re in a relationship or a single gal, warmer weather means there are so many more options when it comes to outings with your man, or the cute guy that you met while stopping for coffee (this does happen to other people besides me, right?).

Anyway, date night also means you have to ask yourself “what am I going to wear?” a gazillion more times than usual. No one wants to be over or under dressed for the occasion (that’s the WORST), so what’s a girl to do?

Well ladies and gents, that’s where I come in. I decided to try something a little different with this here blog. I love talking about dating and relationships and I feel like, deciding what to wear in general can be a hassle. Deciding what to wear to (insert place of choice) is even harder so why not kill two birds with one stone?

In the process of posting different outfits that I’ve put together using Polyvore (a huge thank you to Andrea Fenise. She introduced me to this site and its fashion crack!), I’ll also be posting different locations around the city of Memphis to try out. All of the pieces that I’ll use will be under $100 each (even if you can’t get the exact piece, it will give you an idea about a look to try), and by highlighting different spots around the city, it will give you an idea for date night. Sounds fun, right?!

Whether you like to stick to the usual dinner and a movie, or you’re ready to step out and try an outdoor adventure like a concert or festival, I hope this series will help bring a little fun back to the dating process. As crazy as this statement sounds, love has gotten WAAAAYYY too serious these last few years with everyone being an “expert” and weighing in on how YOU should be in order to be the perfect man/woman. Dating is supposed to be fun. It’s supposed to be about two people sharing moments filled with laughter, good conversation, and (fingers-crossed) a yummy good night kiss! So I say, let’s leave all of the expert advice at the door. Let’s get back to when dating was an organic process. Let’s bring back the butterflies. And as we ladies know, there’s nothing like the look on a guy's face when you’ve found the cutest outfit and it knocks him off his feet!

Hope you guys have as much fun as I will with this project. Enjoy!

I Think I'll Call You.....

2010-06-25T02:11:00.000-05:00

A few days ago, the relationship editor of Essence Magazine, Demetria Lucas, posted a blind date video diary on her website, A Belle in Brooklyn. It was a general recap of their date and towards the end, she mentioned that he never called after the date. She was a little surprised because they had a good time so of course, she was curious as to why. When asked why he never called, he gave the “I’m really busy/focused on my career” answer. She found it funny because, well, she’s an EDITOR at a national publication, runs a blog, has a book deal, hosts seminars (you get where I’m going with this) so it’s not like she’s at home eating Bon-Bons all day lol.

If you’re an ambitious woman, that’s almost insulting to hear because if you have a full life yet still take the time out to make room to date, you hate to hear men use that. It's a cop out. What it boiled down to was, there wasn’t any real romantic chemistry. Her response to his statement was that it was just a call, not a discussion about marriage and that she found him to be a cool guy and thought that a friendship could have grown from it, but with him not returning the call and then him saying this (the taping was done weeks after the actual date) it was now awkward. However, in the end, she was fine with how things went. No biggie.

Then I read the comments.

What started as a general observation of “he’s just not that into you” turned into him being labeled a jerk, possibly gay, and how his one little misstep of not immediately returning a call and/or telling her he wasn’t interested in her romantically was another example of how black men are mistreating black women and have a problem with communication. There were examples of what he woulda/coulda said and while it made sense in theory, a male reader pointed out that people were overacting, considering it was only ONE date. A date for a magazine article at that!

Dating is a sport. The goal for most is to find a mate for marriage, but it’s also a way to learn your likes/dislikes and determine compatibility; it’s also an opportunity to make new friends while sharing an experience. Will some dates be a dud? Yes. Will some dates be awesome and develop into something deeper? Hope so! However, there will also be times were you will connect with a person but nothing will come from it. It could be the attraction isn’t mutual, bad timing, anything, but it’s extremely unfair (and immature) to label someone a jerk/bitch/loser/gay because what you assumed was a good time doesn’t turn into anything else and they didn’t “let you down” in the manner in which YOU wanted. The world would be great if we all used effective communication but that’s not always the case. As the comments proved, sometimes it’s necessary to use a copout if you aren’t interested in a follow up. Who wants to be ridiculed because they don't want to go out with you again?

I learned that if someone is interested in you, you’ll know, so, just as Demetria did, I might wonder a day or two if it was me if there’s no follow up, but outside of that? On to the next! I really think that women need to stop investing so much thought into dates, especially when you barely know the person. We worry so much about a guy liking US that sometimes we forgot that we also have a say so in things and need to like them in return. We're all fabulous but not to every man that we meet.

So, how do you handle rejection? How do you reject someone? Are you upfront about it or do you just let it fade to black? Let me know!

Do You Know How To Date?

2010-06-04T23:19:00.002-05:00

While talking to one of my guy friends today, he mentioned that he’d asked a girl out on a date. I thought “Oh great!” because we’ve always discussed the lack of dating options in the city (I mean, there are over 700, 000 people here but that doesn’t mean they’re all available, or even compatible with you), but then he said, “I probably shouldn’t have”. I asked why and he said it was because he wasn’t serious. Err? I asked what he meant because to my knowledge, just because you go on a date, that doesn’t mean you’re getting married the next day. He then proceeded to tell me how a woman drilled him on a 1st date. He was caught off guard because he’d never had someone ask him so many questions like that before, and ended up not enjoying it all. And he never asked her out again.

Hold up.

Now, I’m ALL for making sure that you know what page a person is on before you get serious but this is NOT something you’re suppose to do on a 1st date! No, no, no! I shook my head because while this was the 1st time I’d heard this from a man, it’s not the 1st time I’ve heard it. Actually, it seems to be quite common nowadays:

Person A meets Person B, they go to dinner/movie/insertdatehere and then bam! “Where is this going” is asked after the 3rd or 4th date. Depending on who’s doing the asking, someone stalls and drags things out, the situation gets weird, then, it’s back to square 1. Why? Usually because they moved too fast and didn’t really take the time to discover if they were, in fact, compatible and things burned out.

I don’t know if this is just a sign of the times but it seems like people really do not know how to date these days. Never mind the issues that people have with actually GOING on a date (whole other post) but it seems like, most people assume because they go out 1 or 2 times with a person and have fun, that means they’re suppose to get serious with them. When I looked up the definition of a date, this is what I got:

Date

1noun, verb,dat•ed, dat•ing.

A social appointment, engagement, or occasion arranged beforehand with another person: to go out on a date on Saturday night.

Now I know this is a generalization but NOWHERE in that definition does it mention anything about a relationship/commitment/happily ever after! I mean, I get it. Most people are searching for a healthy, fulfilling relationship (Hi, my name is Kim & I’m searching for a healthy, fulfilling relationship) but I also understand that you have to kiss a LOT of frogs before that happens. Every person isn’t meant to be your boo. MOST aren’t, if you want me to be honest. Dates are meant to be a fun, hopefully exciting experience where you get to know someone new and hey, if it develops into something, great, and if not, at least you had fun (or have a crazy story to tell your friends). Dates AREN’T meant to be screenings for your very own Flavor of Love-esque show where you decide after a slew of questions you're in love!

I don’t know when things changed, but something’s gotta give. We’ve got to slow down and get back to the basics of dating because we're sabotaging ourselves (we all know the statistics and have read the angry blogs so no need to list them here). Just because you accept a date with someone and go out, that doesn’t mean it’s going to turn into anything. In fact, go into it thinking that it won’t because that will help you let your guard down and actually get to know the person you’re out with. Take your time before you start plotting how deep something is going to go based on how he answers your questions (matter of fact, stop asking so many damn questions and just let the conversation flow). Think about it: If you’re so busy going down a checklist of your “requirements” (because in essence that’s what you’re doing), how can you really get to know them?

Life Lesson: Always be invaluable

2010-06-02T19:28:00.003-05:00

Last week while hanging out at a local coffee shop, I ran into Mr. S. He's a young, well respected entrepreneur in the city and while he was taking a break from a meeting with a mutual friend, we sat and talked for bit. Every blue moon, we'll ask each other "so what do you do?" (it has become a joke because if you know a lot of the people we know, everyone has "50lebbin" jobs lol. You never know what answer you may get). As we talked about work and the issues that we have with people when it comes to follow through, I voiced some frustration that had been brewing inside.

See, by my own doing, I'd put my personal interests on the back burner to help other people reach their dreams. I was a walking support system if you will. Initially things seemed promising but after being burned (not viciously, but by people losing interest in whatever they were working on at the time and/or moving on to something else) I started feeling a little lost. I felt like I'd forgotten my true purpose and I started asking myself exactly what I was doing for SELF because all I had to give people when asked "what are you doing" was how I was helping so and so do XYZ. But if XYZ never manifests into anything, I was stuck with the remnants of someone else's dreams in my lap. Not my own. And as we all know, that's not a good feeling.

He told me "Always be invaluable. Make sure that whatever you do, you're compensated for it in some way, and that whoever you work with feels that they can't complete a project without you. Don't allow anything to take up your time when it's not worth it." We joked around for a little bit, but after he left, his words stuck with me. It's not that I never valued my work, but I've noticed that sometimes, you will have more drive and more focus on a person's dreams than they actually do. If you aren't careful, you'll invest entirely too much energy and end up empty handed. I'm not saying that you shouldn't support (because no one can do it alone. You must have people in your corner to support you in order for us ALL to excel to that next level and it's vital to do the same in return. That's how you build reliable networks) but boundaries are needed. That's something that I didn't do and am teaching myself now. So here are a few pointers I've given myself:

Be selective with the projects that you offer assistance on.
Everyone isn't as focused on their craft as you think. My good friend Rachel recently said,

"I suggest you have a plan, cause school ain't for everybody, but wandering around "trying" to do something is a waste of time."

If you're not careful, you'll be trying to do the same thing as them and end up doing nothing. They need to have some type of plan. Just "going with the flow" or flying by the seat of their pants isn't gonna cut it.

Be compensated for your work.
It doesn't have to be monetary (though who doesn't like that mean green?), but you need to have something to show for what you do, even if its experience and ultimately an entry on your resume/portfolio. This may be a hard pill to swallow but if it isn't going to benefit you in some way, be weary of offering your services "just to help".

Know when to remove yourself from a project.
Sometimes, a person may only want/need a little guidance with planning so you don't have to see them all the way through. Other times, they're caught up in the creative aspect of things, and may not devote time to sufficiently plan their next step. But a lot of times, a person is caught up in the hype (real or imaginary) and may not really want the help they ask for; they're enjoying the chaos that comes along with it and may really be satisfied with that. As I stated before, everyone isn't as focused on their craft as you think.

Always keep YOUR dream first.
Whatever your interests are, do NOT, I repeat, do NOT put them on the back burner. Even if you think it's OK because it's to help a friend, don't do it. Find a way to balance. If you can't, it may not be meant for you to help them at this point and it's OK. Know your limits. Know how many times you can say "well I'm here if you need me" before it needs to turn to "good luck with your project". Stretching yourself thin isn't beneficial to anyone, nor is it healthy to lose site of your own goals. Treat every project that you work on as business (even if it's with a friend) and know when to say when.

Let me say, I'm not about to turn into some stone faced diva who will never ask "do you need help with anything" because in reality, I allowed myself to end up here. Plus, that's just not true to my spirit. But what I will do is be much smarter with how I handle things from here on out.

Now I'm sure some of you guys already know all of this. Anything you'd like to share? Anyone else ever felt this way?

A Stranger Returns

2010-05-12T20:44:00.001-05:00

For most women there’s one guy that they will drop everything in the world for. It doesn’t matter the time or place, if this man contacts you, you stop in your tracks.

I use to think I’d marry this man. I met him when I was 22. He was experienced (aka older), cute as all get out, and looked at me in a way that shook me to my core. I fell in love. I fell hard. He didn’t. Because even with all of his beauty, he was a troubled, flawed man. Flaws that I accepted, but flawed nevertheless. While I gave my heart completely, he only gave a small portion of his. I always felt as if he kept a part of himself, his life away from me. He was too inconsistent with his time, his effort, his love. As I grew, I’d fight my feelings and vow to leave him alone. He knew what he needed to do for me to let him back in but as soon as I did he’d leave. He was a drug, a drug I dabbled with for 5 years. I always kept hope in my mind that one day, he’d get it, but about 2 yrs ago, I got off the rollercoaster ride. I wanted more than he could give and finally set boundaries. Naturally, he fought them at first (who wouldn’t when you previously had free reign to do whatever you wanted?) but finally he relented and we were able to become friends. I saw growth in him but I stopped waiting. I stopped waiting for him to call me regularly, to take me out like he did when we first met, to do right by me. We grew as friends but at times it became strained and last year, he dropped off the face of the earth. He’d done it before but only for a few months at a time. This time he was gone. It was weird but I accepted it…

A few months ago, he invaded my thoughts. I started thinking about him heavily, and reached out to him (I do this whenever I think about a person more than usual. We don’t have to hang out, be bff, or even have a long conversation. I just like to know you’re ok in this world). We briefly spoke but he had to call me back. 3 months passed with no return call. It hit me again last week and I reached out for the final time. After a weird game of cat and mouse, I let him know I wanted to see him because it had been over a year. No response, but I knew because he’d started randomly calling, I was going to see him soon. I just didn’t know when.

When happened yesterday.

I was completely caught off guard when he showed up at my house. We’d talked earlier in the a.m. but nothing specific. We stood and stared at each other with silly grins our faces, saying nothing. I’d always had a level of comfort with him that I never had with any other man so it didn’t matter that I was still in PJs, hair all over my head. He could see me at my worst but it was ok because he’d always found me beautiful. When he walked through my door, I felt the familiar ping that I felt when we first started dating. However, as soon as I felt that ping, I remembered: HE DOESN’T KNOW WHAT TO DO WITH ME. He’s still searching for something in life that I can never give him until he’s ready. Will he ever be? Will I even be around to accept it? I don't know. But to save myself from self-inflicted heartache (because there comes a time in every woman’s life when she finally takes responsibility for the romantic choices she makes), I stopped myself from falling again.

There’s no point in falling if they’re not there to catch you.....

another night, another episode

2010-04-20T05:15:00.001-05:00

"It's only a show."

That's what I had to tell myself tonight after spending hours watching episodes of SATC. Even though I (and so many other women) can relate on so many levels to the things those 4 characters go through when it comes to love, I have to continuously remind myself its only a show. Otherwise, I'd be depressed. Why? Because while it is fiction, its still a valid representation of what finding love SHOULD be like, and lawd knows life is sooo not imitating art right now lol.

The dating scene is quite abysmal. Something isn't clicking between the sexes. So many are tired of being single, of dealing with bullshit, but not many are doing anything about it. Real dates have been replaced with text messages and hang out sessions. Some say that they skip traditional dates bc they seem too formal; that hanging out alleviates pressure and now, you can really get to know the person without all the extra. That sounds good in theory, but I miss the extra. I miss the pressure of making sure I look extra pretty on our first date. The pressure of him deciding what would make this date a great outing for us both. The excitement that builds bc you don't know what's next, you don't know when the 1st kiss will be, where it will be, or how it will be. The excitement of wondering will it develop into something deeper. The extras are what make dating fun!

I miss making real connections with people, and SATC reminds me of what that use to be like, and what could still be possible if we all took the time out and tried. But we've become a society that has a microwave mentality: we want what we want NOW. No preparation, no planning, just gimmie what I want now. No courtship at all. Instead of holding out for a great steak and glass of wine, we're content with a hot pocket and a beer. While tasty, who the hell really wants a hotpocket all the time?

I don't. So, I immerse myself in the show. It gives me hope that the tide will change; that maybe we've just hit a rough patch, that eventually, men will go back to giving a shit about how they approach and court women, and women will stop accepting scraps just so they can be in the company of a man.
Something has to change. Because people can't keep saying they're frustrated, that dating sucks but never change their actions to get different results.

And I hope it happens soon. I'm running out of episodes to watch lol. Plus, I'm just about ready to start living my own...

Mismatched Lovers: What we value

2010-04-15T01:22:00.002-05:00

Everywhere we look, there's dialogue about dating (the good, the bad, & the ugly) and compatibility. More times than not, however, you will find people venting their frustrations about how hard it is to meet someone they like, or how it ended abruptly (or worse, badly), even though they worked hard to show the person they cared:

"I catered to their emotional, physical and spiritual needs, laughed at their bad jokes, showed that I was independent/a provider, did activities they liked, did xyz plus a few double A's in the bedroom and it STILL wasn't enough to make it work..."

Question: Where your efforts ever reciprocated?

Say you remain friends with someone you dated after things fizzled out: could you really consider them a friend, in the fullest sense of the word? If you posed trivial questions to them about your background, your needs, heck your daily life, could they answer them without going "uuuuh..."

Do you date people that value the same things as you?

Let me be clear, people that value the same thing as you is not to be confused with people that share the same values as you. You both could value a relationship with God, but one could be more adamant about attending weekly service while the other is ok with worshiping from home. Similar ideals, but executed in two totally different ways. When I ask did they value the same thing as you, that's asking in regards to lifestyle, self expression, level of honestly, compassion, etc. We all want a good catch, but everyone has varying degrees of what's acceptable to them in a relationship.

Now I know that we're all multifaceted creatures and opposites do attract (and usually we can help our mates with shortcomings and vice versa) but how many times have you looked past key characteristics that you desire in a mate simply because that person made you laugh? Was nice? Spoiled you in a materialistic sense? Got you to try new things? And if you're really ready to be honest with yourself, how many times were you still hoping for those characteristics to appear down the line and were disappointed when they didn't?

What you wanted and what you got were kinda off, no?

A few days ago, Sean P (@seanpadilla) tweeted "I like the kind of women who like men like me". It was in response to the ongoing "nice guys finish last" debate, but I felt that that statement was applicable to dating period. Are you dating people who's type you actually fit? Vice Versa? Do you care? We get so caught up in people's surface qualities that we hardly look any deeper when evaluating them for a relationship (I can admit I've done it & am still learning. Dating is all about trial & error. I seriously wonder how I had a relationship/situation (whatever you crazy kids are calling it these days) with certain people when I look back. We sooo weren't a good match lol! But each one helped me learn more about what I needed in a serious relationship, & to be content with being single over investing my time in situations that would 9 times out of 10 leave me hurt in the end).

If you're looking for a fling, well, this isn't for you. But if you're actually looking to connect with someone on a deeper, emotional level, it might be wiser to double check those standards that you set for yourself, and actually adhere to them. What's the point of having them if you continue to do & accept the opposite? Meeting new people is a wonderful thing, but before you give your heart and soul to someone, make sure its someone that wants it, and knows what to do with it.

Happy Dating!

Let me text you how I feel

2010-04-11T10:57:00.009-05:00

So its been a while since I've written. Since this blog was created to primarily talk about my dating experiences (and I've been on sabbatical from dating lol) I honestly had nothing to give. Sure I could talk about working, friends and all that but eh, nothing too interesting has happened so I couldn't think of anything (though I did meet a really cute cop who unfortunately, weirded me out bc of his lack of conversational skills. Such a waste I tell you).

Until now.

Ok, so a few weeks ago, my HLF started acting weird. He started texting me every night, usually late and would always end with I love you (this isn't us. We talk a few times a week, not every day) Now at first, I thought he was bored and knows I'm a psuedo-insomniac but he never really SAID anything in the texts. Mostly "are you up?" "You were on my mind" and stuff like that. After this went on for about 10 days, I realized they came around the same time each night and a light bulb went off.

He's trying to see if I'm alone.

So I asked why only the late night texts. No real answer, but he stopped for a few days. Then one day I got one @ 3 am. This time I WAS asleep so I was a little annoyed. Well, this is when he decided to say "I think I'm in love with you."

Wait...what?

Now sure, we'd had the convo a few weeks before that once he's sown all the wild oats he has left, I'm who he really wants to be with (yea, ok), but What. The. Hell. You profess you're "in love" via text? Really? You mean I don't get a moment ala Say Anything were you stand outside my window blasting "In Your Eyes"? I can't get flowers as you stand there and tell me that?

I CAN'T EVEN GET A DAMN PHONE CALL????

Sure, I'm exaggerating a bit with Say Anything (though that would be an awesome story to tell the kiddies) but come on! A text? A TEXT. No details were "given", nor did he even make an effort to see me so that we could talk about this. I understand we live in a world where people are overly reliant on technology but this here? Wow. I don't mention my thoughts on this, I just ask where is this coming from. He doesn't know. So I say, let's talk about this in the morning. He says ok.

And guess what people? Its never mentioned again. Oh he still continued to text me at random times, but not once does he say let's hang out or anything like that. Just askes what I'm doing and tells me about his trips out of town. And about a week ago he apologized for waking me up at night. Now is this a result of me not being overly excited via text about him saying he's in love? Who knows. But what I do know is that in between that profession and his apology he never did anything. Sure he text me hey, and wished me Happy Easter, but that's it. And that is reason 158, 364 I've taken a break from dating. The laziness. Maybe I've watched too many movies, listened to too many songs, but I feel like, when/if you are interested in someone, if you really like them, you show it. It doesn't have to be a grand gesture (its not like you're proposing) but you do something. You try to spend time with them, be it on major dates, or just walking around somewhere talking and connecting on a deeper level. You pick up the friggin phone. You don't just text all day long. Now I understand that a LOT of people are ok with this. It doesn't matter to them but it does to me. I require some type of effort bc that's what I plan to give in return. So until I meet someone that actually tries (whether its an old HML or someone new) I'm staying on this sabbatical. Because what's the point if its not gonna be fun? If its not gonna give me butterflies and get me excited about our next conversation and meeting? Just so I can say I'm (literally) talking to someone? Uh, no.

Am I missing out? Should I have responded differently? Maybe so. I guess we'll see...

Reason # 492, 713 I find men strange

2010-02-23T16:23:00.001-06:00

So last night while having a conversation about our history with the HLF (homie-lover-friend), I pointed out to him that whenever I start dating someone, only then does he bring up the possibility of us actually dating seriously. When we're both single and just hanging out, it never comes up. He laughed and said it wasn't true but I told him it was; that once he meets a woman he likes, all of that talked goes out the window. I said watch, it's gonna happen when he meets another woman. His response? Fuck a new woman.

Pause.

I asked him to clarify and first he told me about his issues with titles, and then he pointed out that I'd been by his side for almost a decade, and that he wants to be with me and only me once he changes his ways and is ready. I'm his ideal.

Now to some women, this declaration may have been a good thing or made sense, but it confused me even more. Why you ask? Because a few months ago, he was ready to move in with a woman (an ex from another time in his life) and like I said, not once has he ever tried to date me seriously when we both were single so wth? I mean, I know they say you should marry your best friend (which I am a believer in because that friendship, if solid, can help you stand together through anything) but how did we get here??? I'm your ideal?

I'll admit, dating has crossed my mind before, and we have a long running joke that if I'm not in a serious relationship or married by the age 30, he's gonna be my baby daddy (neither of us have kids, lol) but I'd never put real thought into because it is what it is. We've always talked about our dating life to each other and so I never looked past that. I mean, he LOVES women lol. But I was a little floored by his "confession". And as I think about it, a little miffed.*hops on soapbox*

WHY do so many men assume that a woman will always be available to them when they're done running the streets? As if it's gonna be a magical day with rainbows and gumdrops when you FINALLY decide "my penis is tired. I'm ready to go home." That arrogance kills me! If you've read my previous posts, you know that I'm the woman that eeeeeeverybody is gonna be with when they are ready to settle down. No you won't, you jackass because who says I'm waiting around for you to get done being a slore? Ugh, no offense to any man that isn't sloring around but still, why do you guys do that? I feel like if you've met the person who could possibly be your "One", all of hte other mess is irrelevent. You wouldn't want to keep being in the streets for fear that someone ELSE might discover how awesome they are and sweep them up. But nooooo, you try to put this person in your back pocket like a piece of gum to save for later. *hops off soapbox*

And in no way am I saying that I'm trying to be in a relationship with him now because while I had fun on Valentine's Day, I'm on hiatus from all relationships. On sabbatical if you will. The most I'm gonna do is crush on someone(and I have one but that's a post for another day). It's just the fact that he professed all of this, and pretty much said it as if he KNEW I'd be there with a limo and a sign with his name on it, waiting for him. Like really? Really??

Smh, all I'm gonna say is, if you've met someone that you like on that level, do what you can to keep them. Do not try to save it for later because there's NO guarantee that they will still be free (or even want you) once you come back around.

I know I'm not the only woman that has experienced this lol. Talk to me!

Valentine's Day: The Aftermath

2010-02-19T00:54:00.002-06:00

So I have to say, this year's Valentine's Day was FTW! No fighting, no stand ups (date started later than planned but no biggie), NO disappointments. It wasn't over the top, which was good because it leaves me something to look forward to. But let me go back.

I spent Valentine's Day with my HLF (homie lover friend). We've known each other for about 8 years now, and when we're not dating anyone, we always gravitate back to each other (a serious relationship would never work out though). He contributed to my issues with VDay a couple years ago (asked me out then stood me up) and in an effort to make that up to me (plus help fix my view of the day) he, for lack of better words, hounded me about going out lol. I turned him down repeatedly (fool me once, shame on me!) But he was persistent and I have to say, I'm glad I gave him the chance to correct that wrong.

Imaging my surprise when he showed up at my door with a huge basket with the cutest little teddy bear inside!

I almost wanted to cry but bc he's 1 of my best friends, I couldn't for fear of being mocked lol. He took me to see a sappy movie (Valentine's Day) then we went to dinner and drinks. Nothing major (although I did almost get my 1st tattoo but the selection was eh, and the line was long. Apparently, getting tatted is what a LOT of couples do on that day. Go figure). We hung out at my place for a while afterwards and all in all, it was a pretty good day.

I'm a sucker for cards and while I was disappointed that he didn't write in it ( I always personalize my cards) once I read it I understood why:

"Sometimes, out of the clear blue, I remember how much I love you."

Sweetest thing I've been told in a while...

Valentine's Day: The Prequel

2010-02-14T11:54:00.000-06:00

Soooo, Valentine's Day is here. For anyone that knows me, Cupid and I really don't like each other. Correction, Cupid doesn't seem to like me lol. Since the age of 14, I've had breakups the week before, multiple stand ups (when I say multiple, I do mean that), and 1 physical altercation the day of. So, suffice it to say, Cupid has something against me and given the chance, I'd give that little chubby baby a wedgie.

I've never been a woman that's placed a lot on that day however, what woman doesn't like to be treated from time to time? What woman doesn't like to be surprised with the cliched flowers, cards, and candy? If you don't, I'm sorry-something is wrong with you.

People always say "well if they loved you, they'd show you 365..." Blah, blah, blah. Honestly, 95% of the people who've said that most likely have had a crappy day as well so please, keep that venom. It isn't the be all/ end all but geez louise, don't act like those that are in like/lust/love aren't suppose to have a little fun! I do believe that when a person cares, they'll show you regardless of the day but sorry, I fell for the Hallmark holiday as a child. I want the flowers, candy and card...I suppose. When I hear stories about women who were surprised by their man, big or small, I'm always happy for them because for most, they're genuinely happy and appreciative. Moments like that make me smile, regardless of how shitty my experience may have been. But I digress.

So, like I said, since the age of 14, me and Cupid have been at war. Last year I treated myself and had a ball and had resigned to doing that every year because I didn't want to be disappointed ever again. I'm a hopeless, optimistic romantic and I want to keep that so, that had been my decision...until last month.

For the past month I've been asked repeatedly to be someone's Valentine. I didn't say no, but I didn't say yes lol. Up until last night I told them that I would not set myself up for failure so it was up to them. I mean, I pretty much said you have to knock on my door and tell me to get dressed the day of for me to believe that we're going out lol. Like seriously, my V-Days have been so bad that its caused me to be THAT skeptical lol.

Until now.

A start time for our date has been confirmed. This is major people. No, seriously. Major. I now know that unless we have inclimate weather, I need to be dressed and ready to go by Xpm. And that they hope I like my damn gift (a gift? For me? Sweet nibblets! Lol). While I'm not sitting here jumping up and down like I won the lottery (that would be laaaaaame!), I am starting to get a little intrigued.

Stay tuned....

I've moved

2010-01-25T18:23:00.003-06:00

Hey guys! Due to editing issues with Blogger (not sure what changes they've made but I don't like them), I've moved over to wordpress. Come see me over there!

http://thisismethenkt.wordpress.com/

Being The Rule: 10 Years later

2010-01-14T11:27:00.002-06:00

Last week, the strap on my bag that I carry all of my books in broke, so in a mad dash to get out the house, I grabbed an old backpack out of my closet and dumped all the contents out on my bed. When I got back home, I saw an old journal (I've purchased countless through the years. I have an obsession with notebooks lol) that was from 10 years ago.

I cracked up laughing as I read the first page: it was from the summer right before I went off to college. I was so excited for what the future held (new places, new friends, new me). My boyfriend and I had just broken up (we'd had problems, plus I was suppose to go away so we didn't want to do the long distance thing) so I was also excited about new boys lol.

As I continued to read, though, I realized that, outside of a few minor changes due to growth and maturity, my core being is the same. Who I am, and what I stand for has never changed, only really improved. But what I also noticed was, what I've wanted (scratched that-needed) from a relationship has never changed. And I can't say I've gotten it.

Follow me.

Any person that knows me, knows that I value friendship as being the foundation of any relationship I have. If friendship isn't there, the relationship won't really work. Why? Think about it: most people are hesitant to hurt a friend. They keep your best interest (for the most part) at hand, try to help you make sound decisions in life, they support you, try to make you smile when you're down, just, your friends get you and accept you for who you are.

Friendship has always been my goal for my foundation. Then comes attraction, intellect, humor, ambition, interests, being a good person, etc. All of those things are important to me. I've always wanted someone that was secure enough in themselves to trust in me, to be open enough to treat me well, because they knew they would get that in return. I say all this to say:

Looking back, I've never experienced this on a consistent, ongoing basis.

Don't get me wrong, I've dated decent guys, a few who I'm still friends with and love to death as a friend, but not in a relationship (which is weird bc friendship is suppose to be the foundation, right? Think about it...) but to be able to look at thoughts I had 10 years ago and see that they're similar to what I have now, that not much has changed is...funny, but at the same time sad.

Because while I've grown in so many other ways, this area, my personal relationships, has always remained stagnant. Oh I've had fun dating (I have the memories & stories to prove it!) but usually, it was for a short span of time. And I can honestly say, I've never dated anyone who truly appreciated me.

I've been liked, even told I've been loved, but to be shown it? Truly? Nope, can't say that I have. I've given it (I have a nurturing spirit that I can't just turn off), but to really receive it? Nope. There was always some conflict, some reason for a man to be unable to, for a lack of better words, take a chance with me. There was always a problem. As simple as my needs are, things were always made to be complex and complicated (cue soap opera music), as if I wanted to much. Even if they "did" take the chance, it was halfassed-1 foot was still roaming the streets. And while I can say I've learned so much (about who I am and men), that has always been strange to me.

I've been told by many that, I'm a great woman. But this was by people who didn't treat me great.

I've been told by many that, once they are ready to be serious, I'm who they would choose. That day hasn't come (and I'm not sitting and waiting like a fool thank God lol).

I've ALWAYS been the rule, never the exception.

Ouch.

So what does it all mean? Like I said, I know dating is a process, and everyone you date shouldn't be your boyfriend but that's still odd to me. To be classified as a great woman (relationship wise at least) yet I can't look back and say, yea, this person (who by all accounts were decent)treated me as good as I treated them is weird. Did I make bad choices? Where they not as decent as I thought? Was I lied to? Is this just life lol? I'm not wondering to point fingers (I'm not perfect at all), but some things do make me go hmmmmm.

And surprisingly,how have I been able to remain SO optimistic about GOOD love considering I've never really felt it? I'm not jaded and everyone has a clean slate when I meet them. Maybe its because I'm a Sag (eternal optimist), but I do still believe wholeheartedly in love, and I will tell anyone I know that if they have something good, to cherish it, work at it, let that person know you appreciate them for all that they are, not just the good.

Sigh, these are my ramblings for the day. I hope somebody feels me...

Suddenly I See

2010-01-03T10:46:00.001-06:00

So last night I came to the conclusion that, as much as I want to date, its really not my time.

Yes, I'm tired of the dating desert (and I left it for a few weeks recently lol), but, you get to a point where, you view the bigger picture and finally, you understand. I'm making SO many transitions in my life (2010 brought in more than just a new year), especially with my career that, in all honesty, I really don't have time to date. Or rather, I shouldn't.

All this time, I've been wondering "why the hell haven't I met someone that's on the same page as me?" It finally dawned on me that I don't need to meet anyone right now because it would probably be a distraction. That's not to say you can't balance it (bc I've done it before) but because, well, if that person isn't trying to do the same thing as you, you will become distracted by the "who, what's, when's and why's". Those are:

Why hasn't he called?
Why is he acting weird?
When are we going out again (and not just to each other's house)?
What happened to all the fun we were having at 1st?

I had a conversation with one of my friends who's debating on leaving her relationship bc she feels that she hasn't been as productive with HER life as she could be, and some of it is because of her partner. I never want to get to that point with anyone. So, I'm finally reading all of the signs that have been presented to me the last few months and following what they say. Now if down the line, I meet someone, and we both fit each other's lives and BOTH do what needs to be done to make it work, then cool (because I'm over the one-sided support). If not, eh, you can be my friend!

Has any other person felt like this? That instead of it being that you were going on bad dates, you were actually ignoring other "signs" or opportunities?

Tis the Season to be snuggly...

2009-12-22T15:37:00.007-06:00

Though it's been chilly in the city the past few weeks, yesterday marked the Winter Solstice, officially crossing us over into winter. It's been nippy, but now it's about to be COLD. It's time for hot cocoa, homemade chilli, movie nights over club nights, and everything else that screams comfort. Established couples are cuddling out the frame right now (oh, the weather outside is frightful...), enjoying a little more downtime together. My question to the single people:

How will YOU be keeping warm?

If you're on Twitter (or friends with anyone that is) I'm sure you've heard the term Winter Boo once or twice. Whenever it gets cold, most people joke that it's time to find one because really, who wants to snuggle alone (uh yea, that's not possible)? If you had to choose, would you want an extra blanket, or an extra body in your bed? Most would choose the latter (or do a combination of the two, lol). Seriously, once the color of the leaves start changing, and the sun starts to set sooner, something shifts in the single person's brain that says "it's hunting season".

So, we start going out a little more, or reminisce about past dates and wonder if we skipped over a true contender. Typically, I'm dating someone around this time but since I've been in a dating dessert this year, I even started wondering who was gonna help keep me warm*!

More than ever, people have started saying they need to find a boo.

Now to be fair, some people just so happen to meet right when the seasons begin to change, but there are some people who only actively pursue "relationships" once it gets cold (I've experience that btw. As soon as the temp drops, I get calls from people I use to date who've had an epiphany of some sort and want to try again. Um, no). Any other time of year they are happily single but for some reason, once it dips below 50, it's time to snuggle up!

But how does it work? I mean really, what are the terms of being a WB? Do we only hang at night? Do friends meet? Are holiday's and birthdays included (I like perfume if they are)? Do we truly get to know each other and bond or keep it at a surface level? What happens in the Spring?

Has anyone ever dated someone solely because it was cold and went back to their single ways once the temp heated back up? Or do people use the term as an excuse to link up to "test the waters" and if the situation is good, it develops into something more?

*I'm still on the fence about this right now; met someone, way too early to talk about so idk if I'm a winter boo or not... :-)

Pull the trigger

2009-12-08T17:10:00.005-06:00

Take a breath, take it deep
Calm yourself, he says to me
If you play, you play for keeps
Take a gun, and count to three
I’m sweating now, moving slow
No time to think, my turn to go….

When Rihanna released Russian Roulette, there was a slight uproar regarding the lyrics dark undertones. Many people associated the track with suicide (it IS a lethal game) and didn’t care for it, but when I heard it, I instantly fell in love with it. Not because I’m sadistic and into sick shit like that (sorry but if that game was ever presented to me, I would promptly super punch you and ask you to forget you knew me), but because I viewed it as an interesting metaphor for taking a chance on love.

Think about it.

Just about everyone on this planet is in search of everlasting love. It doesn’t matter if your happily ever after includes a white dress/gold band, or just someone you can grow old with ala Goldie Hawn & Kurt Russell; most of us are looking for someone that we can relate to on multiple levels and spend time with. We have our preferences but as we grow, they grow and change as well. It takes time to figure out what we really want in a mate.

So we date.

Some people luck up and after only a few suitors, you meet that “one” but the majority date for years before they come across someone they are truly compatible with. As you grow, your needs and desires change: what you wanted at 21 could be completely different from what you want at 25 so for most, its trial and error. And while dating is 85% fun, feelings get hurt, walls get built, and each time you meet someone new, you’re typically more cautious than before because you’re weary of their true intentions. These days, you just never know…

Until you get that feeling. You know, the slight adrenaline rush that comes when you see them calling (this may just be a female thing lol). The flutter in your chest (butterflies or nervousness; whatever you want to call it) when you have that first kiss. You have so many thoughts running through your mind (Is this real? Why do they feel this way about me?) that you try to calculate what your next move will be so as not to make a mistake and lose it all. When you meet someone that you really like and connect with, you get a tingling sensation all over and as time progresses, you wonder if it’s for keeps. You’re talking a chance on love.

Any time you take a chance on love, you're taking a risk. You never know what the outcome will be. It's scary, and many times you can get hurt, but when you meet the right one (or ones because life happens, and people come into your life for reason, season, etc) its always worth it. But you have to be up for the challenge.

Russian Roulette anyone?

Another year wiser

2009-12-02T14:19:00.001-06:00

I meant to post this yesterday on my birthday but I was having a tad too much fun lol. Its kinda long (hey, I have things to cover) but oh well...:)

Aaah, another year has passed. I'm a year older (29) and, thankfully, a year wiser. Its not quite the end of the year (30 more days for that) but per my usual birthday ritual, I'm in a reflective mood. Thinking about what I've learned, what I've lost, what I've gained, how I've changed (both physically and mentally) and what's to come in the year ahead.

Career
In 2009 I've gone from working a set 8-5 "dream" job to hustling part time at 3, part by force (hello recession!) part by choice (career change) just to pay bills (yea those are just payroll. My real hustles are slowly buildling). Some days its a struggle, but I have to say, I'm happier than I've been in a while. I'd be a fool to say money isn't everything, but, when it comes to pursuing what makes you personally happy, you will gladly sacrifice a few things during your journey.2009 was the year I started the ball rolling. 2010 will be the year of execution.

Friends and Family
Everything that happened with my dad (who's still doing good btw) brought my immediate family closer together (we'd been drifting for a bit) and showed me who my friends where, both new and old. People I never would have expected to care did, and I'm eternally grateful for that (you guys know who you are). Also, I monitor the energy that comes into my life more than ever now. I'm an optimistic at heart, and can find silver lining in any dark cloud so I do my best to surround myself with people who do the same. I'm empathetic to everyones plight, however I cannot take on everyone's issues. I can feel for you, and offer advice if needed, but bc I always look towards the bigger picture, I can only feed into light. Can't do the negativity, and I will do my best to get my friends to the same. Life is so much better when you view the glass as half full instead of half empty. Watch the friends around you and pray that they view it the same way.

Dating
Um yea, still in that desert, lol. Not for lack of trying but, when you know what you want and need in a mate, its truly impossible for you to settle just bc someone thinks you're cute. I pinpointed this year that I'm most attracted to a creative man, one who's involved in music, arts, whatever, that has a passion for what they do. And they MUST, MUST, MUST have personality. A lot. Bc I have a lot. I'm truly a Sag, therefore I bore easily, so if your idea of fun is just chillin on the couch watching movies day in day out, I'm not the girl for you. I like to go out and have fun. I like to wrestle, to dance, to play games. I like an action oriented man (pause lol). Only way I'm content in doing that is if we're still having good conversation, which is another requirement. I believe in truly connecting with people (be it on a friendship or romantic level) so you must keep me engaged and be willing to be open and invest yourself beyond the superficial. I'm interested in too much to keep having the same conversations. I need more. So, until I meet someone that possesses those traits, Ill continue in the desert. I have great platonic male friends to keep me company while I wait.

Me
Hmmm. They say a woman goes through a change when she turns 30. She views life differently, and has a different air about herself. I feel it happening now. Some days my energy level is the same as that of a 15 year old (I've been told I have a young spirit) and I'm still a goofball,but I must say, I'm off a lot of the shit that some of my peers are still on. I'm past the need to always be the center of attention, to always be attached (being single is really ok. More pepple should try it sometimes. You really will gain perspective), to always having drama in my life. There are more important things to deal with, and that is were my focus is. All in all, I feel more sassy, more courageous, more fabulous (I even cut off all my hair, which I said I'd never do again). I feel growth.

In the words of Shania Twain "Man, I feel like a woman".

(____) and the city

2009-11-09T22:56:00.001-06:00

"Men as socks. Some men are argyles. Safe socks. This column socks."

For those SATC fans, you should know this is from the episode Unoriginal Sin. Carrie is in a dating desert, therefore she doesn't have any inspiration for her column.

Dear readers, this blogger is in that very desert. Lost. No water. Having hallucinations. My dating life at this moment is nonexistant. When asked who/if I'm dating, you will get silence, a blank stare, and momentarily, a haystack will blow past behind me....

Oh don't get me wrong, I meet guys. I meet cute, fun guys that I can hang with, laugh with. But what I don't meet are guys that are interested in getting to know me past the physical. And that brings me here.

I'm SOOO over the friend/cut buddy "let's kick it, no strings attached" thing. Sometimes, that does serve a purpose (bc every guy that you date doesn't have to be your boyfriend. I'm a true believer in dating all types of guys so that you can determine what you do and don't want from your ultimate mate) but I'm not at that place. I haven't been there in a while. And I guess, maybe if I was actually going out with these people I wouldn't be at that point but geeze louise, if you've read my previous posts, that's not what I'm meeting!! Dates are basically none existant at this point. I mean, I know we're in a recession so I'm not expecting sizzler but what happened to being creative? A walk in the park, meeting at a musuem, a latte, a picnic in the park. I mean really, come on? I like stuff like that and wanna meet guys that do as well...

Now, I do not want this blog to become redundant, where all I talk about is how I'm not going out and having fun. Bc I'm doing that. I have fun with my friends, my fam is doing good, and my career is finally shifting to the direction I want it to go in. But sometimes, at the end of the day, I want somebody I can call and tell my day about. Who I can cook dinner for. Who I can meet for lunch and a walk in a park. I'm a romantic at heart and when you have all of this pint up bc you don't have nobody to share it with, you start going stir crazy! I'm having crazy dreams (1 night I dreamed about dating a rocker, the next I was and was dating a vampire. Wtf is that about? Lol, well, the latter could be bc I recently reand and saw Twilight and loved them both so heeeyyy, maybe it stayed in my subconscious) so somethin has got to give yall!

Hmm, maybe I should do speed dating bc everything that's come my way in the past few weeks (from new guys to old guys that have popped up) have been a bust (if you're reading, sorry but well, I'm jus saying. Step ya game up not jus for me but any other woman you're talking to lol).

I mean, I really don't want to write a post about the perfect french fry just for the sake of writing lol. Pray to the love god's for me... :D)

Daughter to Father, Man to Woman (Reprise)

2009-10-28T17:28:00.000-05:00

Morphine is a helluva drug. While it eases the pain, it also causes the person to do and say things that sometimes can be unintentionally funny. How do I know? Because last night I saw a side of my dad I'd never seen before. I always knew that my dad was funny, but I never knew he was sarcastic. I mean, we all have the ability to be, but its a fine line that you walk with sarcasm. It will either come off as mean and bitchy, or in the case of my dad, it will come off as funny. As I type this, I laugh at the memory becuase now I know where I get my humor from-my dad. My mom is silly so I get elements from her, but my humor, the humor that will make a person look at me and say "did you really just say that?" And then laugh, I saw that I get that from him.

My dad's surgery was a success-he actually did better than the doctors expected him to-and he's well on his way to a full recovery. He was a miracle. I didn't go back and read my 1st post before this so I don't know if I disclosed it but, my father had 99% blockage in his arteries when he suffered the attack. 99. By all medical accounts, he should not be with us but he is, and he is thriving and thankful. He told us of his near death experience, which scared him, but he prayed and came back. He told us that he came back because he wanted us to know to never give up. Never stop being hopeful. Never stop praying. So as I watch my dad get well (it's not a cakewalk but he's definitely making strides), I hope those that are reading know, regardless of how bad things may seem, and regardless of who your God is, maintain your faith that you will come out of it. Even if you experience pain and it gets hard, keep fighting. Keep praying. Don't ever give up. Someone is always listening.

:D)

Man to Woman, Daughter to Father

2009-10-18T15:51:00.001-05:00

The first time we had any kind of scare about my dad's health was about a yr ago. I received a call in the middle of the night from my mom letting me know he was going to the hospital bc he couldn't cath his breath. I was there 20 minutes later (if that. I'm unsure bc i was speeding), racing through the ER looking for my "Daddy". Even as an adult, I call him that, lol. I turn into a 5 yr old when I speak most of the time, just bc I look up to my dad so much. When I got there, he was up and he was ok. As it turns out, he was dehydrated and his creatine level was elevated but I took them home a few hours later. As usual, he was ordered to rest, take care of himself, etc. He said he would.

To get notice that your father may have suffered a heart attack is a strange feeling. You always feel that your parents are invinciple, that they can beat the world, so to hear that he was sick is jarring. Luckily, he came in when he did-when I got here, he was still awake and they were prepping him to do a few tests and to get a stent placed. He was up enough to where he heard me when I said "hey Daddy" and that I loved him and he'd be ok. He shook his head yes, then said his name and DOB to nurse when she asked him to, and then he was off...

The stent placement was a success, and its a miracle really, considering everything we learned after the fact. My dad is still here, and though its still critical, he is making progress. Its at a snails pace but he's fighting. Whenever he comes from under sedation, he tries to get loose so we know he's wanting to leave and will fight as hard as he can to do so lol. We're praying and doing our best to keep our thoughts positive. But, as most people do, we've been reflecting on the past, to see if there were any signs. There were some but they werent major. If they were, we wouldn't know bc my father never spoke in depth about anything. He would say what might be wrong, but he'd take a BC or something like that and rest bc he figured he'd be fine the next day.

To all men who may read this (and to women who may have men in their lives that need to read this) please get checkups regulary. If a pain keeps reoccuring, please get them checked out to insure that it's nothing more serious. Who knows what difference could've been made had my dad gone to the doctor sooner. He had finally made plans to go, but as you can read, we're here praying for a full recovery. Regardless of how you may feel about going to the doctor (men have some universal fear of getting a checkup) please go. Your health depends on it.

Please pray for my daddy, and my family. He's fighting, which is a good sign, but we still need as much prayer as we can get.

True Life: You caught him flexting-now what?

2009-10-07T01:06:00.002-05:00

My homeboy Cory and his girlfriend of 5 years went on a mini getaway this past weekend. On the road, he stopped for gas and went inside to use the bathroom and get a few snacks for the rest of the trip. While looking over food, his girl came in and asked him to come here for a sec.

"Whats up babe?" He asked, wondering what was wrong bc she had a weird look on her face and her eyes were kind of red.

"I don't know why I did it, but I went through your phone. I read your text messages and...it's over, I'm done."

"Say what?" He asked. He knew that he had over 1400 messages in his phone (majority inbox. So much for the delete feature but i digress..) but many of them were unresponded to and with multiple friends so he was a little taken aback.

She repeated herself as they walked back to the car and continued on the road. Apparently, she' d' skimmed over a couple of text messages and was (rightfully) wondering who the hell her man had been talking to and why. One of the texts she saw was from his female bff and she was telling him she loved him (they were always friendly like that) but there were ones (innocent but flirty) from some girl. The girl had gotten his number from a mutual friend and started texting him and he (stupidly) thought that it was cute and flirted back. He admitted that he was stupid and wrong for talking to the girl but considering the texts weren't graphic, he hadn't done anything, and they've been together for so long and this was the 1st time any issue like this had come up (no relationship is perfect) he was surprised that THIS was the dealbreaker. They still went on the trip, and she called all of her friends to tell them what happened in front of him. She told him that in order for him to be forgiven, he would need to prove himself. She wanted him to print out the full conversations for her to read. He thought it over but ultimately decided no. His reasoning? She'd already been through them and read some (both in and outbox) plus he was offended that after 5 yrs, she decided to go through his phone when he went in the store, something she's never done, so he feels like she had trust issues anyway so that was a red flag for him. He knows it was stupid to be flexting (flirty texting) but he feels like that was not a reason to end the relationship.

Now there may be other factors involved (I'm not in the relationship so I can't say something is 100%) but if this was the sole reason, can this relationship be saved? Should he have to "prove" himself to her? What makes a woman (or anyone for that matter) go through a phone when everything else is (seemingly) ok? Is innocent flirting (of any kind) a deal breaker for you?

Remembering your worth (A new way of thinking.)

2009-09-30T17:28:00.000-05:00

I'm mentally drained right now. I have so much going on in my life (all good things though!) but I'm not at a point where I can formulate a coherent blog that would be interesting to read (bc I do hope my post are interesting to read lol).

So anyway, I looked through my notes on my BB and found something that I' d' kept to post many moons ago. It's any old email I got, and I'm pretty sure some of you may have gotten it at some point as well. Even so, I always planned to post it bc when it comes to dating, sometimes we women (even men) forget our worth. We forget we're more than just someone to sleep with to fill the lonely nights, that our wants, needs, and desires matter as well. We compromise on the very things that we shouldn't, yet remain lenient on the things that matter the most. When we do that, we e ultimately hurt ourselves, then turn around and play the blame game. And honestly, I'm tired of it. Both men and women are at fault for how things are. We're all flawed and with issues. But we know this already so let's chill on the blame and work on ourselves mkay? When you work on yourself to be a better person, you don't have time to blame anyone or anything else for your OWN happiness. You lose the anger and the bitterness and the guards, and whatever else that prevents you from being openminded. Why? Because You're too busy trying to be more positive and as we all (should) know, positivity thoughts breed positive actions. When stop the blame, we can stop the pain, when we stop the pain, we can build again. And while this email and post is mostly geared towards women, men can take heed to it as well. Like I said, we all have a role to play but let's not focus on that part. Remember your worth, forgive the past discrestions against you, and move forward with a better mindset. When you remember, it will show (wait for it...)

In a brief conversation, a man asked a woman he was pursuing the question "What kind of man are you looking for?" She sat quietly for a moment before looking him in the eye and asking. "Do you really want to know?" Reluctantly, he said, "Yes." She began to expound... As a woman in this day and age, I am in a position to ask a man what he can do for me that I can't do for myself. I pay my own bills. I take care of my household without the help of any man...or woman for that matter. I am in the position to ask, "What can you bring to the table?" The man looked at her. Clearly he thought that she was referring to money. She quickly corrected his thought and stated, "I am not referring to money. I need something more." I need a man who is striving for perfection in every aspect of life." He sat back in his chair, folded his arms, and asked her to explain. She said, "I am looking for someone who is striving for perfection mentally because I need conversation and mental stimulation. I don't need a simple-minded man." I am looking for someone who is striving for perfection spiritually because I don't need to be unequally yoked... believers mixed with unbelievers is a recipe for disaster. I need a man who is striving for perfection financially because I don't need a financial burden.
I am looking for someone who is sensitive enough to understand what I go through as a woman, but strong enough to keep me grounded. I am looking for someone who I can respect. In order to be submissive, I must respect him. I cannot be submissive to a man who isn't taking care of his business. I have no problem being submissive...he just has to be worthy. God made woman to be a helpmate for man. I can't help a man if he can't help himself.
When she finished her spill, she looked at him. He sat there with a puzzled look on his face. He said, "You're asking a lot." She replied, "I'm worth a lot."

Chickcode 101

2009-09-21T11:34:00.003-05:00

So last night I got a frustrated call from my homegirl Steph about an argument that she’d just had with one of her friends. Her friend Angela had come to her about what she was going through with her husband & one of HER friends (keep up with me) and she needed to vent. Angela was upset because she’d found out they’d been having late night conversations & after she’d asked her to stop contacting him, she found out she was still doing so & was now ready to open up a can of whoop ass.

Expecting Steph to take off her earrings & throw on some Vaseline as well, Angela became upset when Steph pointed out that in order for her to contact her husband, he would’ve had to give her the number since he had recently changed it & that he had participated in the conversations so she might want to check her husband on the situation as well. Angela then proceeded to go off on her, saying she didn’t understand because she wasn’t married so it wasn’t that easy, & also threw in that she was jealous that she’d gotten married while she was still single (I’m talking the stuff of bad 90s movies here). After some back & forth, Steph wasn’t mad enough to end the friendship but she did tell Angela to never call her about her relationship again. She was trying to get her friend to look at the situation as a whole but her friend was only focused on a piece of the pie.

While I never experienced anything that extreme, I have been accused of not understanding/being supportive/(insert your choice wording here) by friends because I didn’t give the “expected” answer so I understood her frustration. I'm a pretty rational person & have always been able to look at both sides of any situation. I believe in personal accountability & make mistakes like anyone else so it surprises me when people get mad or offended when I or anyone else answers a question truthfully, especially in this day & age. Sure, sometimes people are offended by delivery (I very rarely sugarcoat anything so that’s come up) but I’m starting to think that even though the answer can be right smack in their face in a pink tutu doing handstands, a lot of people don’t want to be told the truth. Or, they want to be told a truth that skewers in their favor. Just like men have a much whispered about “mancode”, I’m starting to believe that there is a “chickcode” that involves agreeing wholeheartedly with friends regardless of the situation, who’s at fault, etc that I clearly don’t subscribe to. Based on past conversations I now have to ask:

Does being friends mean never having to say that they’re wrong?

Sometimes friends just want to vent & you to listen (& if/when they tell you that, oblige) but if someone comes to you about a situation & you can see it from various points, do you speak on it all or just give the expected answer? OR (which is what Stephanie & I have decided to do here on out lol) do you stay out of it completely? Because people seem to get upset when you give them what they ask for (YOUR opinion, which isn’t fact or law btw) is it better just to keep it to yourself when prompted?

A friend indeed...

2009-09-11T17:25:00.008-05:00

Prior to writing this post, I took a few moments to purge people out of my contact list. I deleted a few people that I don’t talk to anymore but mostly, I deleted some of my “guyfriends”. Why? Because I realized (better yet ACCEPTED) that “staying friends” is pretty much a load of crap and part of the reason why people stay single longer than expected.

Walk with me for a bit...

I’ve always been that girl that kept it kosher with everyone. You need anything, a shoulder, I'm here. Well recently, a thought hit me like a bag of bricks: while I’ve been going out of my way to maintain a friendship with these people, they’re maintaining relationships with OTHER people. But (gasp!) guess who’s still single? Ding! Ding! Ding! Now I’m not blaming them for my living single status (nor saying you can’t remain friends with some) but I had to ask myself what was the REAL point of staying in contact? Is it because I feel like I can be a true friend to this person regardless of why our situation ended? Or is it because a thought sits in the corner of my mind that one day (if I haven’t been snatched up first that is), one will realize the error of their ways and come back to me (on some REAL shit at that)?

Folks, it would be easier (and more much more flattering) to say it really was about the friendship, but because this blog is me documenting my growth as a woman, I cannot sit here and lie to ya’ll. It was the latter. Either I wanted to throw it in their face when I finally met someone good (your loss jackass!) or I secretly hoped that some would wise up and see what they were missing. Uh, yea, that hasn't happened yet lol (and most likely won't). But thankfully, I realized what the hell I'd been subconsciously doing, got my sense back & chose to break the cycle. But since I know I’m not alone, I have to ask:

Why are people (esp. women) so adamant about remaining friends? Who came up with that mess?

In some cases, most people are better as friends (those relationships will turn platonic naturally), but most of the time, there’s no logical reason to keep in contact with these people once you see you're not compatible. You should still be cordial of course but why do we have to stay friends? What makes us decide that we need to be the person to show you what a real friend, a real woman is, that some women do know how to be supportive of your dreams, blah, blah, blah. Jus saying, if you didn’t appreciate that shit when we dated, why on earth have we convinced ourselves that you will now? More importantly, how can we let someone truly worthwhile into our life if we keep ties with people who have clearly moved on? And understand, moved on doesn’t have to mean another relationship but they have moved on from you.

If find yourself forcing the hand on a friendship that's fading, let it go, cut the cord, DELETE THEM. Old numbers, saved text messages, emails, any of that, get rid of it because they sure as hell aren’t holding on to it! I mean half the time they don’t even acknowledge they got a message from you so what are you holding on to? They're good. Their inboxes and voicemails are being filled with messages from people that THEY check on, and as you can see, (what you need to see) is that that doesn’t include you. It may sting, but at least you've cleared space for more opprtunities and gotten out of your own way.

So I say cheers to all that I’ve dated and are no more. We had a lot of fun, maybe even had some pain, but in the end, everything took place during its correct season and I learned something from it. If you never hear from me again, thanks for the memories!

XOXO

Hanging on Too Long

2009-09-01T18:01:00.005-05:00

Yesterday my homeboy text me that his ex girlfriend was starting to ask him THOSE questions about his new girlfriend that he was planning on moving with in the next few months:

(Why her? Do you like/love her more than me? What about us?)

He and his ex broke up about 2 years ago, but they never fully stopped messing around with each other. He still helped her financially sometimes, and about 6 or 7 months ago when I went to visit him, I saw a few things she’d left at is home (jacket, shoes, etc), so I knew they were still sleeping together on occasion. They were together for about 8 years, never lived together, but she did still have a key to the house he shared with his brother. Their exact reasoning for breaking up is unclear (I never got the full story from him) but I knew it was more to it than what he said.

When he first mentioned his new girl, (who is in fact an old girl), and their plans to live together a few weeks ago, I immediately told him to change his phone number and cut ties with any woman that he couldn’t just call a friend, including his ex. I knew this was a major step for him, plus she is moving from her current state of residence to be with him so to be on the safe side, he needed to have a clean slate by the time she got here. He'd previously told me his ex wouldn’t give his key back so I told him he needed to get the locks changed as well. He and the girl are planning on moving together somewhere else but still: she didn’t need to have access to that house AT ALL.

Now, he’s told me some stories about her that’ll make you go “damn she’s crazy” but because I have been friends with him for years, I know he isn’t an innocent victim. I told him time and time again to leave her alone after they broke up (for her sake, not his) but because he has security issues (& residual feelings I’m sure) he wouldn’t. One thing I’ve always known about him is that he HATES sleeping alone. He despises it. So I knew that whenever something fell through with whoever he was dating at the time, he fell back into routine and would call her. Sure he complained about her ways but to be with someone that long, I have to believe that he got over them, no? But the thing is I knew he was over the whole relationship with her and still had her around for selfish reasons. I know on occasion relationships hit rough patches, but if it’s a few weeks after the relationship has ended and you’re still messing around (yet no real reconciliation has occurred, just sex) you need to let it go.

Easier said than done right? But think about why I say this: He and this chick broke up 2 years ago. Sure they still slept together, he helped her out, and I’m sure they still went out on occasion. But they never officially got back together. Though they shared moments from time to time, he STILL operated as a single man. He STILL went out on dates, he STILL pursued other women, and now he’s planning on moving with someone who he thinks he may eventually marry. This isn’t just “I’m dating someone new”. This is “I’m making life decisions. WITHOUT YOU”. I understand why she’s pissed and acting crazy right now: she feels betrayed and led on because she invested all of those years into that relationship yet someone else is getting her “prize”. You think because you’re still in contact, eventually you’ll work things out but because they won’t confirm or deny THEIR desires, you keep floating along waiting. Truth of the matter, most people break up for valid reasons. Be it compatibility, cheating, life choices, etc, when a relationship ends, it’s usually for a reason. That’s not to say that some things can’t be overcome but BOTH parties have to be willing to invest the time and effort to fix things. If it’s one sided or half assed (as in the case above) don’t be surprised if you find yourself in the same situation that she is (hurt), or on the receiving end of a scorned lover’s revenge because you wouldn’t be 100. I say that because I got a feeling that this isn't over....

I just want your extra time and your...kiss! (Military Man P2)

2009-08-27T20:00:00.006-05:00

A week or so after military man left, I noticed that whenever I would make flirtatous remarks, he would never really say anything back. He wouldn't NOT respond, but I'm so use to guys throwing back whatever I throw at them (and vice versa), and considering we'd JUST made out a few days before, I found this odd. One day while emailing, I jokingly said that I was going to stop flirting with him because I felt like it wasn't wanted. He stated that that wasn't the case, he just was out of it a bit because he was still adjusting to being back home. I told him I totally understood, but I did want to know if I should even bother because I didn't want to waste either of our time (or make a fool out of myself. No woman should ever throw herself at a man. It reaks of desperation). I told him that regardless of if it's what he wanted at that very moment or sometime down the line, he should know whether or not he was interested in dating me at all. I was expecting a simple "yes or no, give it time" but instead I was told that if I didn't want to keep flirting, I didn't have to (WOW), that I wouldn't understand what he was going through, and other people had pressured him (along with some other weird comments about not being ready for sex. I was beyond confused). The old me would've said something sarcastic, threw the dueces and been done with it and him. Considering we've known each other since we were 15 however, I bit my tongue and told him, thanks for answering my question. I'm getting to the point in life where I feel that there is no need to go off on someone unless they really hurt you, and you still have to walk a fine line when you do it. Sure he hemmed and hawed but ultimately, he'd answered my question.

His response?

I was trippin, and he can never say the right thing, which is why he might be single.

WTF?

So because I DIDN'T act like a psycho, I was trippin? This was new to me. I repeated (rewrote) everything that he'd said and asked him to elaborate because that was crazy. And I told him he was single because he chose to be. His response to it all? No comment. I dropped it and kept it moving. Something wasn't right but I let it be.

We continued to talk over the next few weeks, but the conversations were very random, and the subject of dating was never brought up again....

Today...
Going through my email contacts, I synced with one of my sites to see if any of my friends were on there that I wasn't already friends with. Up pops military man along with a few others. I send a friend request, and it's almost immediately accepted. We hadn't talked in about a week so we did the basic "hey yous" bah, blah, blah. I saw that he'd added a few new pics on his page that day of freshly inked tattoos. I clicked to see and one of the tattoos is a woman's kiss. Near his collar bone. I raise an eyebrow bc what single man does that? IMO, that's a very random tattoo, in a very random spot. Usually people in long-term, commented relationships do this. Then I remember seeing a status update about new ink and click on it (bc I'm being nosey now lol). A girl (not the ex from before might I add) has commented saying that the fax was sent (I'm assuming of a design). No biggie (I guess). I scroll down and notice that his status also says he's in a relationship (errrr, needle stops, lights come on.) Oh really now? Now I'm intrigued: in this day and age, to be in a relationship that fast is unheard of. In my quest to confirm what I already think I know, I do a little more research and after a few more clicks, I now understand why he was unable to address the dating situation between us that day, or at any other time. Why he was incapable of being straight forward and answering a simple question. Because to do so would mean that he hadn't been truthful about everything he'd said to me, along with jeapordizing our long term friendship. It was quite obvious. Shaking my head at the naivety, I sit back. I laugh. Hard.

In her status, she's counting down how many days he's been gone from the city, and when he will return. The start date of the countdown? The same night that he came to my house.....

~Fin

Things that really grind my gears

2009-08-23T18:22:00.002-05:00

I like you, I think you're dope, and I'd like to sleep with you. But um, I don't want you to be my girlfriend.

POW!

OK so here's why this grinds my gears (thanks Peter Griffin): A dude will complain about being single, talk to you about their life, problems, flirt with you, even try to sleep with you, but actually come to you correct and try to date you? NEGATIVE!! OR, say you do date, and for whatever reason, you stop (usually over some "confusion" on his part) but he'll still attempt to sleep with you (while still pursuing other women) Wtf? Im not good enough to be your girl, but I'm good enough to help you get a nut? GTFOH. I'm so over dudes coming to me with this crap.Why should I be content with being just a piece of ass to you? Is that suppose to be my consolation prize for dating you? "You didn't win the grand prize of being my girl, but here's some hard dick and bubble gum!!"

This has happened to my friends and I quite a few times. Recently, 2 guys that I dated and the situation didn't work out for whatever reason did this. We remained friends (bc why wouldn't we?), I've moved on from the situation, and thanks to the wonderful creation of social networking sites, I can see that they have as well. Now, we remained friends but both propositioned me on that shit after the fact. I had to ask both, why the hell would I sleep with you if we're not dating? You didn't get it during the time we dated soo why would you get it after? (I never got a response btw.) If we're gonna be friends, let's be friends. Don't make sexual comments to me, don't, flirt, just keep it cool and be my friend.

I'm starting to wonder if maybe it's ME. Maybe it's something I'm putting out in the world that says "if looking for a good time, call 555...". bc I don't get it. It's pure bullshit. Game peeps game all day long and I'd have to be a complete idiot to set myself up in that situation, but it has to be some type of pheromone, energy, SOMETHING that I'm exuding that welcomes this! Whatever the case may be, I want it to stop, lol. If I'm not what you want, then I don't want to be what you want. Get it from the girl that you're actually trying to date!

Forced interest

2009-08-14T15:32:00.005-05:00

So last night I met up with my girl Maria and her friends to celebrate her birthday when I got off work (if you follow me on twitter, you saw the tweets last night lol. Yager Bombs!). They were finishing up dinner at this cute little itialian restaurant called Ciao Bella (that I most def need to visit because it was so cozy. If you ever saw the episode of SATC when Big calls Carrie his girlfriend for the first time and sings It Was a Very Good Year by Frank S., it was kind of like that).

So anywho, we decided to go up the block to this pub to get a few drinks and hear some live music. One of the girls had to leave so it was only 3 of us. Didn't matter, it would still be good times. We walked through the door and before we could even decide if we wanted to get a drink first or find seats, this guy walked up and stopped us in our tracks. He asked us our names, if we were married, and while we stood there looking confused, he let us know that he was leaving for the night (it was a quarter til 11pm), however the 2 gentlemen behind him wanted us to come over to say "hi'. We look behind him and 2 guys, dressed in jeans and tees, stood leaning behind him staring at the TV oh so casually as if they had no clue what was going on. We were like "ummm" with a wth look on our faces bc like I said, we hadn't even been in there 5 minutes. He repeated it again, but this time he let me know I was for HIM (didn't know I was a strange man's property but ok) but if after they went and said hello, if I saw that they weren't having a good time, I could go over and get them. Say what?

(Now here's what I'm thinking: 1st of all, pay attention to facial expressions dude. We all are looking at you like you're crazy, we keep looking at each other like YOU'RE crazy, so WHY are you trying to force us to talk to your weird ass friends who can't muster up enough guts to come over and say hello? Forget the facts that noone even offered to by a drink (which is usual and customary) but you're trying to seperate us by force? Hell to the naw.You're not about to slip me a roofie.)

So here we are, looking like deer caught in headlights because some guy has us trapped by the bar. One thing I hate is when a guy tries to force me to talk to him. That's damn near worse than grabbing my arm. You shouldn't have to list reasons why a person should have a conversation with you; if a chick wants to talk, she will. I mean, I try to be nice bc people are crazy and I'm not trying to get choke-slammed bc I wouldn't let you buy me a drink but come on now, respect our choice.

We keep saying, "well, we just want to get a drink and hang out" but he keeps going. Lucy asks him, "Why is this being made into a huge production?" and he says it's not. Then he repeats that it will only take a minute, and that I will stay there with him and I said, "I said I wasn't married, but I'm dating. But thank you." A white lie? Yes. Does it work? Hell no, lol! He then looks at me strangely and retorts "well you're welcome. and i'm dating too so we're on the same playing ground." I'm thinking DANG NABBIT! I JUST WANT A BEER! So he then repeats again about me being able to get them if they aren't having a good time and I say "Well they are grown women so I'm sure they know how to walk away if they want." I'm treading a fine now and being nice/nasty because I'm getting pissed (I'm hungry, my feet hurt, and I want my beer) but he just repeats it til the other girl (Lucy) says with noted irritation, "fine, we will say hi". We walk a little closer, he does their introduction (they guys light up like "oh hi! nice to meet you") and a this point I walk away to get my beer.

I come back and the birthday girl looks at me and says "I'm NOT leaving you with him. And I need a drink" and we start laughing. I look everywhere but at him because I'm annoyed. She gets her drink, then comes and stands to my left. The guy walks up to me and says "so how long have you been in a serious relationship?" I look at him blankly and before I can answer, I see Lucy signal to us to walk away. At the same time, a girl he knows walks past him and says hey and we make a break for it. I see in the corner of my eye he's staring at us walk away but we're walking too fast to stop us. We're all weirded out but we settle into some seats to enjoy the music and the nice breeze that's coming through...

Ladies & gents, if a person ignores your advances repeatedly, that means they aren't interested. After they say no the 1st time just stop...and walk away.....

GASP! Quality men want quality women (Part 3)

2009-08-13T00:15:00.006-05:00

Finally ladies....

Do you let the past stay there?
If a man asks you why you’re single, unless you’ve recently divorced, save all of the extra details. He doesn’t need to know that your ex cheated, gave you the clap, turned out to be gay, had two kids on you, or none of that. Just say, “The last relationship didn’t work out because we wanted different things” or “I just haven’t met the right person yet”. End Scene. If he asks more detailed questions (and offers up his own reasons), then it’s ok to divulge a little more. But more than likely, he won’t. Sure, he may joke with you a little but in reality, no man needs to know everything that went on in your past. Unless you guys are comparing horror stories (it happens from time to time) keep it to yourself. Or ignore what I say and risk looking like that woman that Erykah Badu sang about…

Do you know what a date is?
*Dinner
*Movie
*Bowling
*Dancing
*A Concert
*A picnic in the park
*Coffee or Ice cream
*A cooking class
*An Art Exhibit
*Any type of sports events
Going to one of the above activities with a man that you just met is most likely a date. Allowing a man that you just met to come over your house to watch a movie (that you probably WILL NOT watch) is NOT a date. Doesn’t matter how cool you think he is, or if you like to think (ahem, lie) to yourself that you’re just chill and you don’t want him to think you’re a gold-digger, that’s still not a date. You just look desperate as hell. And after he gets what he wants from you (because you've made it really easy), you’ll still be sitting in the house after its all done. On the couch. Alone.

Did you know that it ain’t for everybody?
Not just your heart, but your body. Stop telling men all about your sexual prowess or sending picture texts half naked when you first meet them! Nice way to get “easy” and “potential jump off” tacked to beginning of your name in his BB contact list. See, every time you do that, men think that shit is normal and that they can request that from each female they meet, or they can send them pics of themselves. Then a chick like me comes along and within 3 conversations I’m asked what’s my favorite position (wtf?), to send a “sexy pic” of myself, and/or I get a picture of some fool’s peen because he was feeling “sexy” and wanted me to see (true story). What you do with your boo is cool, but don’t do that shit with that guy you met last week in the grocery store and you don’t even know his last name. Sex is fun, but STDs and babies are real. Sexual assault is real. Being labeled a slutbucket and/or pics of your tits ending up on a random website are real. Be mindful of what you put out there and to whom you put it out there to.

If you do any of the above, you really need to stop for a second and regroup. Dating will forever be hard but stop making it harder on yourself, and for other women who are in the same position as you. I’ve never professed to know everything, but I have a lot of male friends who’ve hipped me to game, plus I’m still trying to navigate through the dating world myself. Many men have become accustomed to this crap (even the quality men, who sometimes dumb down to it just because they CAN) and that’s sad and needs to change.

Relationships (real relationships not that friend BS) are in the process of become extinct because low expectations have become the norm. Some women solely blame men for this, and while they do hold some responsibility, WOMEN are the ones who set the precedence for how they are to be treated, and what’s deemed acceptable behavior. Why would a man put any type of effort into pursuing a woman if he knows that if he just LOOKS at her long enough, he can get whatever he wants, when he wants? At the time same time, men & women who are past this type of behavior are having difficulting trusting and trying with true potential mates because of all of the previous let downs. We're becoming cynical and jaded community and I for one, am not pleased.

When you know better, you do better is all I’m saying...

~FIN

GASP! Quality men want quality women (Part 2)

2009-08-11T18:06:00.003-05:00

Hopefully, you read part 1 already. If not, scroll down first!

What are you doing?
Not just now, but in life? Do you have any goals that extend past what you’re doing in the current 24 hours? Floating through life without a care in the world outside of meeting a man or having babies is not the biz. Envision a life for yourself that includes a mate, but can exist even if you don’t have one. What real man wants a woman that spends her days and nights chasing behind him with nothing else to do? (Sidenote: fellas, if you want someone like that, you’re better off just getting a servant because while you may think it’s cute in the beginning, it won’t be so cute when you get 25 missed calls in a row then she pops up at your job and goes bat shit crazy on everybody simply because you didn’t answer the phone and she saw you talking to a female (coworker that is)).

If you ARE doing something, can you see with your nose turned up that high?
Men love a woman that’s going after her own. Ne-Yo even wrote a song about it. What they DON’T love is a woman who assumes that having a degree and/or a good job gives her a pass to be rude and to keep throwing her accomplishments in his face. Regardless of how many degrees or titles that you have, you still need to show respect because you want them to respect you as well. Constantly proclaiming how independent you are and don't need a man, or downgrading a man because he hasn't reached the same place as you is gonna keep your self-righeous know it all ass ALONE. Yes, you want someone that's on your same level (respectfully) because who wants to go into a situation that will be a struggle? That being said, every man with a degree isn't going to be an automatic win/win situation. Plus, even those that DO have a degree get tired of hearing about what you've done and what you do. There's more to a person than that.

Bottom line: real men aren’t intimidated by strong women; they just don’t like assholes.

Stop spreading the news
Stop beating a dead horse with a stick. Stop asking the same question 25 times expecting a different answer. Stop telling him about every single detail of your life, what you’ve been through, blah, blah, blah. When it comes to your past, or “how you feel” give a straight up answer instead of dragging it out. Leave an aire of mystery about yourself and call it a day. Let him prompt you about a few things for a chance. Dammit, just stop talking so much.

Part 3 is on the way....

GASP! Quality men want quality women (Part 1)

2009-08-10T17:22:00.004-05:00

So last week a new guy friend and I were talking about dating and how hard it is to find a compatible mate nowadays. Now normally, when a guy states that he hasn’t found a quality woman, superficial shit is usually what he’s looking for and you understand WHY he’s still single. I was ready to hear the same old complaints but he threw me a curveball. Turns out he’s having the same issues that my friends and I have when meeting new people: lack of conversation, they didn’t like to do anything, and they had unrealistic expectations regarding romance, among other things (one girl even told him that she wanted a man that would treat her like Blair Underwood did in Set It Off. Yes, I’m serious). Women always fret about not being able to find a good man, but here you have an eligible bachelor (handsome, educated, has personality and conversation for days and DOES believe in romancing a lady) and he’s getting told that type of BS off top so how do you explain that? Oh, and please keep in mind, these weren’t skanks or anything like that so that's not the reason. These are just a few things he told me, but ladies please, ask yourself:

What are you talking about?
No seriously, WHAT are you talking about? Is it all about shopping, the Ciroc, and BET? Or is there a little CNN thrown in as well? What about politics? Do you know about anything that takes place outside of your inner circle or what was reported on YBF? If not, an intelligent man is not going to want to talk to you for very long. That’s not to say you have to quote Shakespeare and write a thesis on HealthCare Reform, but you need to be able to talk about various topics at the drop of a dime. You should want to be a well-informed woman. Ignorance is not bliss, nor is it cute.

What do you do that’s NOT “the usual”?
“I like to do the usual” is what you put on your Facebook page because you don’t have time to go into detail. That is not what you tell a man. If you say it, there SHOULD be some detail to give if asked. If you like to read, what was the last book you read (Vibe & Glamour Magazine do not count)? If you like listening to music, what kind ( and don’t say all when you know you don’t have Carrie Underwood mixed in your IPod Shuffle with Ne-Yo). What is the last movie that you’ve seen? Doesn’t matter if it was a Horror/Thriller/Rom-Com, but you should know which category it falls into. Basically, specifics are IN, generics are OUT.

Do you know this is real life and not a fairy-tale?
Prince Charming does not exist. Repeat, he does not exist. Expecting a man to literally sweep you off your feet as you ride towards the sunset on a white stallion and fade to black ain’t gonna happen. Why? Because YOU didn’t have a fairy godmother sprinkle you with pixie dust and turn you into Cinderella. Wanting to experience romance with a man who is compassionate and takes the time out to treat you well is normal; expecting to be taken on a helicopter ride and given a new dress by a perfect stranger on your first date is not (unless you’ve just accepted his proposition to be his new high class escort in which case you can ignore this last part and carry on). Please understand that there is a difference.

Part 2 coming soon….

Military Man

2009-08-03T03:46:00.005-05:00

16 months

That’s how long it had been since I’d physically seen his face and told him I couldn’t date him because I was still in a relationship. Sure, J and I were going through a weird period but I knew feelings were still there and I didn’t want to complicate things. Plus, he was set to be deployed in a few weeks and I know me: I’m not good at long distance relationships. Little did I know that my relationship would end a few weeks later while he would simultaneously enter into one. I kicked myself in the ass for turning down his advancement but that’s life, you know? As usual, we remained friends.

Fast-forward 15 ½ months

2 weeks before he returned home, I sent him an email letting him know my number had changed (I no longer had his) and to not be a stranger when he got home. He let me know he was now single, no details really given (nor asked for). Hmmm, I thought. So was I…

16 months
As he came through the door, the only thing I could blurt out was “damn you’re tall”. Standing 6”1, I was a mini person next to him. "Damn you’re short” he replied back as he closed the door. We laughed and he gave me a long, tight hug. Internally, I melted-I’m a sucker for good hugs. Like kids who haven’t seen their friends since the previous school year, we kept staring at each other and grinning as we stood in my kitchen and talked because it had been a LONG time since we’d been in front of each other. He’d been home for a little over a week but had been spending most of his time with his kids so we’d only talked a few times since his return.

He brought up the long running joke we’d had since jr high as we walked into my living room. When we were 15, he randomly kissed me one day at school. I subsequently slapped him on the walk home an hour later when I learned that he was still with his girlfriend. As we laughed, he lightly pushed me & we started to play fight. After a few minutes, he grabbed both of my hands to keep me from hitting him. I stepped back & sat on the arm of my couch. Before I could get my sentence out he leaned down and kissed me.

It had been 16 months since I’d seen him, but it had been over 13 yrs since I’d kissed him. Had I been standing up my knees surely would’ve buckled because this was one of those, where have you been, damn I needed you type kisses, lol. He pulled me up closer to him as he maneuvered around and sat on the couch, pulling me in his lap. I broke away from him after a few minutes and giggled. He smiled sheepishly and said, “Now I’m just waiting for the slap.” I hit him in the shoulder and we both laughed.

I laid my head on his shoulder as he rubbed my hair, thinking back to that day I told him no, wondering if I'd made a mistake. He mumbled that he was tired and was going to fall asleep on my couch because he was so comfortable, but he needed to go because had a lot to do and a busy day coming up. I asked him where he was going.

“San Diego.”
“Why” I asked, “I thought you were done with everything.”
“That’s where I’m stationed,” he said. “I have to go there to finish out my Navel career. I’ll be back to visit every few weeks, and will be done in December or January. It just depends if I want to re-up or not.”
“Oh, ok” I said, still enjoying my hair being rubbed. “When do you leave?”
“Tomorrow.”
“Say what?!” I asked, confusion riddled across my face as I sat up. He's leaving? Tomorrow? What kind of fuckery is this?
He looked at me hard, as if reading my mind. “I know” is all he said as I laid my head back down on his shoulder. Once again, bad timing had plagued us.

AlI could do was sigh….

Seasons Change

2009-07-28T22:44:00.002-05:00

"What’s meant for me will be mine. What’s not shall be removed."

I read this today and it made me smile. Recently, a difficult friendship finally ended. I smiled bc misunderstandings had plagued the situation and while I usually tried to fix things in the past, this time I just let it be. If you read the blog you know I left the door open, but I didn't try to force the issue anymore. I realized that I had been fighting to stay friends with someone that didn't fight to stay friends with me. In many ways, I felt like God was telling me to back away from that situation; there was apparently something wrong bc it was just too hard to communicate and understand what they were going through and dealing with in their life. It was time to just let that friendship end. I hadn't thought about the situation much bc life has been so busy lately, but reading that reminded me that any effort I put into my friendships, romantic relationships, even with work, has to be returned. Onesidedness is not an option.I smiled because I'd realized the above on my own, and it confirmed another level of growth had taken place.

While it's only human nature to want to maintain a friendship/relationship/situation once you become comfortable with it, if it takes all of that effort to keep it, is it really worth the battle? True, nothing worth having comes easily but let's be realistic about the situation: if you have to beg a person to stay around, to call you, to treat you well, what's so special about them again?

When you get to a point where you are forcing the issue, let it go. By tryin to keep the inevitable from happening, you're simultaneously blocking the blessing that were truly meant for you from entering into your life. Don't spend so much time trying to please someone else that you forget to notice if they're doing the same for you.

Sometimes, a person is truly only meant to be in your life for a season. Enjoy that season, cherish the memories, but when it's time for it to end, let it go, freely. It's no longer yours to keep...

Ask Yourself

2009-07-17T14:37:00.000-05:00

So I decided to do something different on this post bc, well, I get tired of talking about relationship issues sometimes, lol. Nothing major to report or generalize on so, I'm posting a poem/rhyme (whatever you want to label it). Originality, whether it's in people's style of dress, their music, and even their work, is starting to become obsolete. So many people are hopping on the same bandwagons that it's hard to tell who is who and who's really doing what (or just jacking someone else's flavor). I believe in inspiration, not exact duplication. I come into contact with amazing people all the time and while they may motivate me to push myself beyond my comfort zone in dress, interests, even my career, I'd never flat out copy something they've done. That's just, so not fetch, lol. Anyhoo, ask yoursef:

Do you know who you are
Do you know what that means
Do you have a sense of self
Your own identity?

Or are you perpetrating that image
That's hot on the scene
Clouded in illusion
A walking smoke screen

Doin what's hot
Like you're the next best thing
But when the lights come up
You prove not to be what you seem

You have no real substance
Your conversations are lacking
No real plans are in motion
So you get mad when people start asking

If you know who you are
If you know what that means
Because you're living in denial
According to another man's dream

Hope you liked!

Bruised but not Broken

2009-07-10T22:50:00.003-05:00

Sometimes women cry. Sometimes they break shit. Sometimes they contact that girl they find out he's been cheating with (either with or on, depending on your role) and tell everything that dude did or said that hurt you in hopes to destroy what they have going on.suffice it to say, when women go through a bad breakup, the number one emotion is anger.

While anger is justified for the most part, the question is, how long do you dwell in it? Think about it. This jackass has been cheating on you, being disrespectful to you, is selfish, just an asshole, but you're crying over it wonderin what went wrong. Um, he's an asshole! Granted, you're hurt so you will cry, but eventually, be happy that he showed you his true colors. Why? Because now you can take that situation and archive it under LESSONS LEARNED.No longer are you attached to a man who is unworthy of you. Your mind is clear-you're not worried about if he's creepin on you, being stuck in the house because he doesn't want to do anything with you, your schedule is free and now you can really do what you want and nurture your spirit instead of wasting time on him.

Each time we experience hurt, we also (or we should) reflect on the situation and see if there is anything positive we can take away from it. Sure you may be single again, but now you have peace of mind because you're no longer caught in emotional drama (which is extremely draining and over-rated by the way).

Relationships aren't going to always be a cake walk but if an unhealthy situation ends, be thankful. Why? Because now you're a smarter, much more stronger woman than you were before, and quite possibly, one step closer to meeting your ideal mate.

Satellites (an open letter)

2009-07-07T23:42:00.004-05:00

I'm in total shock right now. I guess that was something you felt that you needed to do. I don't understand it, but there is so much stuff that I don't understand about all of this that I guess I can just add it to the list. You felt I was insincere about some things but I'm actually the total opposite, so that accusation is quite surprising. I've never been called anything BUT sincere. I was always honest and upfront with you, and that's all I ever wanted in return. But too much miscommunication cancelled everything out and now here we are.

I'm saddened by your choice (because if we meant anything to each other at any time, if we were really truly friends, you would have talked to me instead of shutting me out because I expressed myself and you didn't understand where I was coming from) but I will respect it and leave it be. If you wanted to know my reasoning, you would've said so.

You say your intuition guides you, so I can't refute that. I can't be mad. Hurt because (I assumed) we were bigger than that. Friends have disagreements all the time so again, I'm shocked that that's what you felt you had to do. A friendship has apparently (& abruptly) ended over bullshit and whether you believe it or not (or even care), we BOTH are to blame. I just hope you know, I will forever be a friend to you and care about you and my door will never close. I'm just sorry to see that yours did....

Jumped up out of bed, turned my Bitch on…..

2009-07-06T15:35:00.004-05:00

(please know that I'm extremely sarcastic and read this in good fun :D))

Last week I learned that an old classmate had gotten engaged. And I have to say, my mouth dropped open because based on my memories of her in school (and her status updates), chick is a little bitchy. Let me 1st say that I'm happy for anyone that finds the kind of love they want. But I'm super curious right now about this new phenomenon. Oh, and I don’t mean she gets upset when some type of injustice occurs. I’m talking, straight poppin’ off, spitting word bullets all day long type of bitchy. The type of words that let you know chick will pull a straight Jazmine Sullivan on that ass and bust the windows out your car if she catches you doing wrong. The type of chick that will meet you in the parking lot and kick off her heels to fight you because you looked at her crazy too many times. I always found her funny because she’s a petite lil thing but still, that’s some type of crazy right there. But, she’s happily engaged so apparently, she’s doing something right. So now I ask:

When did being nice go out of style?

We’ve all seen the movies. Read the books. Being a Bitch is in right now. It's the new black!

Forget the demure, homemaking, church going woman that men strived for back in the day; it seems now they want a woman that will rip them a new asshole while simultaneously screwing their brains out. If she curses like a sailor, spends all your money, and your friends dislike her, it's FTW!

So whatever happened to wanting a woman thats a combination of the two? I know a lot of women who fall into that happy medium: sweet until you treat me wrong and sooo many of them are still single so what gives? I’m glad that we have gotten away from men requiring you to be Mother Teresa before you’re deemed marriage material but I'm bewildered by how the tables have turned. Men always say that they don’t want a woman who keeps up a lot of drama, but that’s all a LOT of them end up with. Apparently, being feisty is where it's at!

And again, I’m not talking about women who speak up for themselves and demand respect (that should be the standard attitude of all women). I’m talking about the women who are always ready to Wayne Brady a bitch. Fights over the phone, house pop-ups, and angry emails/texts/calls to numbers that appear in their boyfriend’s phones under alias. If they could, they’d jack a man up by his balls. I personally think they are a bit extreme but guys seems to love it. These are the chicks who are getting the ring!

Growing up, my mom would always say that I was too headstrong for my own good (Ironically, I get it from her!) but I would always say that although I was headstrong, I wasn’t mean. There is a big difference between the two. Plus, if _____ (insert name) keeps getting men then I must be okay, lol. But with all that I have witnessed through my dating years, SHOULD I have been meaner? Because hey, I AM still single, lol…..

So has anyone else noticed? Do nice girls need to step their (bitch) game up?

But you say s/he's just a friend...

2009-06-29T13:34:00.005-05:00

If you ask 10 people walking down the street if they have a girl/boyfriend, I guarantee at least half will say:

"No, but I have a friend".

More and more people seem to be gravitating towards this type of "situation" over being involved in a committed relationship or just casually dating. You use to be able to check single, married, or in a relationship; what do you call the in between? Does an in between truly exist?

What do you call a situation were you and the person talk all of the time, go out, meet friends and family, sleep together, etc? Isn't that classified as a relationship? I mean, whats the difference between the two besides the label? Think about it: if one finds out the other has more than one friend, all hell breaks loose. Which leads me to ask: how can you be pissed at what your friend is doing if you don't have a title? How can a person cheat on you if technically they aren't yours? Because if all of these emotions are getting involved, why are you settling for "just a friend?"

To me, dating means you go out, meet people, have fun, and get to know them until you come upon a person that you feel like you're compatible with enough to have a relationship with. That doesn't mean you sleep together all the time, act a donkey with if shit goes haywire, have kids, or even meet each other's fam-to me, those things take place during an actual relationship. But it seems like the whole thing is twisted now. I feel like, if you know you want more than that, when you get to that point, speak on it. Don't just be cool with kicking for 2.5 years then all of a sudden be hot when you find out they decided to be serious with someone else. You said it was cool, they were just your "friend" remember?

Being a single woman, I don't feel like I should do all of that with you and you're not even my man-you're just my "friend". I mean, whats the point, especially if we're both kicking it with multiple people? Why are we getting so attached? Once you get to that point, I think there comes a time when a conversation needs to be had about what you're doing if you're spending THAT much time together. It should be either/or, not the gray area that seems to be oh so popular right now. No one is accountable for ANYTHING anymore, and so many people are emotionally screwed up because of it. I think people need to take a moment to REALLY look at what they're doing because for folks not to want to be in a relationship, they sure are acting like it....

Please tell me I'm not the only one that sees things this way...

An emotion like no other

2009-06-21T23:17:00.003-05:00

Have you ever wanted something so bad you could almost feel it?

We all dream, but with this, the colors are so bright, the scents are so intense, the sounds are so loud, and the feeling is so genuine that you believe that if you will it hard enough, it will come into existence. You know that if given the opportunity, senses could collide to make something so beautiful and so unique, it could not be replicated it you tried. To close your eyes and imagine you are in a place where everything is just right. Where time stops and you are enraptured in the moment. This feeling haunts you, almost as if it is an apparition following closely behind you. It whispers melodic tales of fulfillment as you get lost in a daydream. You cannot escape it, nor can you substitute it. Because once you have had a taste of something that delicious (through dream or reality), your desire will never be satisfied with a candy-coated generic offering. You want something authentic. You want something singular. And until you can be satiated, you yearn…

This is my description of how your perfect love will (or should) make you feel. I have been close to it, but have not had it. Love is not perfect by any means; however, I believe that the passion that you feel for a person should resonate with you long after you have left their presence. Everyone has a distinct ID, but theirs will be imprinted on your heart. If you have tasted it, you know it exists, so patiently wait for the real thing….

Deja Vu' ing on love

2009-06-06T20:17:00.000-05:00

"you where my first...how am I suppose to ever get over that?"

Would you re-date an ex? Do you believe in 2nd or 3rd time around being a charm? A guy made the above comment to his ex and while him saying that was meant more as a guilt trip (instead of trying to get back with the chick), i've had that comment made to me before. My first love always hung on to the fact he was also my "first", and years after we broke up (and grew apart) he would get mad bc I never wanted to hang out with him or honored that. I felt like there was no need to talk or hang on a consistent basis anymore since the relationship was over. He disagreed. But he also made attempts to rekindle the relationship (which I kindly but firmly declined) so that's why I had issue with it. It's not to say that I don't believe in retrying a "fit" (sometimes you do have unfinished business), but I feel like if its obvious that a relationship has run its course, there's no need to keep going back.

They always say that when you break up with a person it's for a reason, but if you see change/growth in a person, would you go back? Could you look at the situation through a new set of eyesor would you bring up past descretions or easily fall back into a routine? I know some people who go back and I wonder wtf are they are thinking? It's obviously a bad situation thats only going to get worse with time, but I've also seen situations were the relationship blossoms and is 10 times better.

So, would you backtrack on any of your relationships? Only a select few? Or none at all? What signifies to you that it's DONE?

Culture Shock

2009-06-01T18:01:00.002-05:00

In December Disney will be releasing its first animated feature film with a Black Princess: The Princess and The Frog*. There is excitement in the air because now there is a brown face for minority girls to relate to, however there has been major drama brewing over the racially ambiguous prince. The character is voiced by a Brazilian actor so it’s safe to classify him as such but some Blacks are questioning why her prince wasn’t Black as well. Now, I’m not trying to get into a debate about whether Disney is racist or not for choosing to go this route (I see valid points in all arguments for and against the casting) but I do wonder why there is still such disdain for interracial relationships. Race specific households are still the majority but that’s changing everyday.

Many of us have multi-ethnic backgrounds and we live in a cross-cultural society, so it didn’t surprise me when I learned that the prince wasn’t Black. I recently found out that my ancestry has Irish roots (which can account for my coloring; still haven’t figured out my nose and eyes though, lol) and I know other people who share similar backgrounds (directly or indirectly), so in my eyes, the casting was reflective of that. Not until I read blogs and articles blasting Disney for not pairing Tiana with a Black suitor did I realize that it WAS that much of an issue.

I’m not oblivious to what’s going on in the world-racism is still very much alive and well and I doubt it will disappear in my lifetime. And I understand the importance of Black love being portrayed in a positive light. All of that weight can’t and shouldn’t be placed on the shoulders of Barack and Michelle, Will and Jada, etc, because in actuality they still aren’t a 100% accurate representation of the African American home life. The way that they live/act/think isn’t indicative of all households so I do think that opportunities exist for our unique relationships to be displayed. I just feel like it doesn’t have to be ALL THE TIME because that’s not how it is. For me, I look at that person’s character, their beliefs, and their attributes (coupled with their cuteness factor) to determine if they are someone that I’d want to share a moment with. That doesn’t automatically mean that they will be black though. When I see mixed couples out, I can understand their connections. Because I myself am open to so many genres of entertainment, I can totally see how our cultures are becoming intertwined. And in my opinion, that’s not a bad thing.

The US is a melting pot of cultures, religions, ethnicities so it would only make sense for relationships to be portrayed that way now. But I wonder: would it have been ok if in a second movie (or in the co-starring roles) those pairings were mixed and the issue is just with the main casting? Or do people still have that much of a problem with it over all? Not to get facetious but, if it’s not someone you were personally dating, why does it even bother you that much? I really want to know.

*http://disney.go.com/disneypictures/princessandthefrog/

American Life

2009-06-01T03:01:00.000-05:00

The other day while waxing philosophic about life and people’s definition of success with one of my friends, the subject of relationships inadvertently came up. He told me that a few years back he contemplated marrying and settling down with his girlfriend (white-picket fence, kids, dogs, etc; the classic American Dream). He’d been told that it was the right thing to do because he’d had a kid and he needed to slow down. It had been ages since we’d actually really talked but that still caught me off guard because for as long as I’ve known him, I’ve never gotten that vibe from him. He’s a self-made businessman so he understands the importance of hard work and dedication but living a pseudo-Leave it to Beaver lifestyle? Um, no that ain’t him. Their relationship ended before they could even move into the house he’d purchased, which was a good thing because he realized that wasn’t the lifestyle for him. He loves having someone by his side that he can support and they share their successes but marriage is no longer part of his agenda.

We didn’t stay too long on the subject but that conversation lingered with me once I left. Who determined what the status quo was for the American Dream? Why is its achievement classified the same way for most people, especially considering the age we live in? Is it because of tradition? Who said that my American Dream in 2009 was a house with a picket fence with 2.5 kids and a dog? Why not a condo with a pool and a goldfish? Instead of taking the kids to the Grand Canyon during the summer, I’m thinking Fiji or some other major shit like that. That’s not to say that I don’t want stability (because in essence that is what marriage is), but it amazes me how society still has an antiquated perspective when it comes to that. If you don’t work in corporate America, why would you want a lifestyle that fits that mold?

His reasons for attempting to go that route also made me ponder: how does getting married equate to a man growing up and slowing down? True growth comes from experience and while I don’t condone a man (or anybody) wildin' out in the streets, too many times people jump the gun and get married because it seems like the “grown up “ thing to do. I’m a proponent of marriage; it’s something that I would like to do in my lifetime. BUT, I don’t want to get married because of time, kids, necessity, etc. I want it to be because we both feel like we’ve experienced everything we could and wanted while single, and now we’re ready to take that next step for the rest of our lifetime. I do believe that we should get back to the nuclear family model (there are too many single parents in the world) but advising someone to get married because they have kids is not the answer. There are other routes to go to achieve this. I actually feel like this is part of the reason that so many people have commitment issues, and that institution of marriage is becoming a joke (but that’s a whole other blog). Some people live what would is considered to be an unconventional lifestyle, but I believe that with effort, stability can be found in some form and a relationship/home life can still flourish. I just don’t believe it has to be done in a cookie cutter manner.

What is your American Dream? Is it the traditional one? Has your career/upbringing/friends influenced your definition? Do you believe you’d be satisfied once it was achieved or still want more?

Self Sabotage: Do you really want what say you want?

2009-05-19T23:59:00.004-05:00

I know that they say that love isn’t easy, but I’m starting to wonder if that’s really because of love itself or the meddling that we do. Female intuition automatically kicks in when we feel like something is amiss and we want to find out what’s wrong. While this is natural (and sometimes is correct), I think that our antennas are up so high and our BS indicator is on over-drive these days that many times we pick apart and dissect innocent situations until they crumble in our hands and turn to dust. However, we will then ignore or look past the more serious issues in hopes that we can “make it work”. Our signals are crossed.

Let’s say something occurs that may be a little off from the norm (in our minds anyway). Nothing major, but our Spidey senses are tingling. We ask what’s up, he gives an answer (sometimes vague, sometimes specific), and that should be it, right? Accept it and keep moving. But something keeps tugging at us so we continue to ask and prod to get an answer that WE deem sufficient. After a while of this (and us complaining that he JUST doesn’t get it!) he starts to slowly withdraw (while our feelings surprisingly continue to develop) until poof! he’s gone and we’re standing there confused about what happened. Now we’re hurt and accuse this person of playing games or not being fully honest with us about what they wanted even though we kept asking them for it. We assume he was a jerk and had something else going on. But the thing is, why are we really sad? Because he’s gone? Or because we THINK we proved ourselves right and knew this would happen all along and we're tired of it? I mean, this is what most women would say, right?

If so, answer this: if you KNEW all along that this person would hurt or lie to you, why did you bother dating them? Why did you go through the motions with them if all along you were waiting for something to go wrong?

I’m not saying that men don’t play a part in a relationship's demise, but I do feel like in a lot of situations, we should've just taken their word for it and let it be. Reason being, if that man is doing major dirt, it will eventually come out on its own. It ALWAYS does. You shouldn’t foolishly throw your heart out to the wolves, but sometimes, let things develop on their own. If you laid your cards out on the table in the beginning (not ALL of your cards but your basic cards like what is and isn’t acceptable, what you are looking for dating wise, what your standards are) there is no need to continue to force or question the issue on anything. HE KNOWS. Once you have let this person know how you feel about certain habits (let’s use no call/no show as an example), if it’s something that they can’t live up to, they WON’T be able to and it will be very obvious in the beginning. More importantly, if they DON’T, you need to let it go. And this is the part that I don't understand. We always ask for signs to see if a person is compatable with us, but then we get selective with them for fear of being single. Sorry but you shouldn’t have to “force” a person to act right. If you have to constantly tell a person that they are doing something that you don’t like, that they are hurting, or neglecting you and your needs, why are you continuing to date them? Men don’t need to be taught anything and the minute we understand and accept that, the better off we will be. If a man feels like you are worthy enough to HIM to be a part of his world, he will make the necessary room for you like you do with him. You won’t have to worry about him following through with something when he says he will. If you’ve already discussed each other’s expectations, there really shouldn’t be that much drama. Look at this scenario:

Monday: You make plans to go to the movies last Friday. No call, no show.
Tuesday: You leave a nasty voicemail about the standup and he texts that his battery died/phone broke/car wouldn’t start and that he’s sorry. He calls later that night to apologize again.
Wednesday: Everything is cool. He works late and has dinner with a few friends who are in town.
Thursday: Everything is cool. You go to dinner and he was supposed to call once he made it home but never does.
Friday: You don’t hear from him at all.
Saturday: You call HIM to find out he’s playing ball with his friends and will call you back in an hour.
Sunday: Finally calls you after church to tell you he will be by around 6. Gets there at 8. You ask why haven't you talked. He’s been busy. Doing what? He doesn’t want to get into it with you about it. However, he’s sorry.

See a pattern? If this person has to time to do everything else in their life except keep dates with you or call you on a consistent basis, you need to fall back. I’m not saying that an apology shouldn’t be accepted but let’s be real. If you keep going through stuff similar to this (you yelling, him apologizing), your “sass” really doesn’t mean shit to him. It won’t change anything. Why? Because your bark has no bite. You’re like a Yorkie that yaps when someone rings the doorbell-they hear you, but they aren’t listening to you AT ALL. Even though you verbally reprimand him for being late or hurting you, you let him back in your good graces with a simple “I’m sorry”. All the time. He doesn’t bother respecting your standards because YOU don’t. This person blatantly disrespects you on a continuous basis, yet you let them come back time and time again. But the guy that messes up one time? You always play 20 questions and give him the side eye every time you see him after that because you think you caught him in an omission (he was too vague for you) and pushed him away.

And you wonder why you’re on an emotional rollercoaster most of the time.

Everyone makes mistakes. For the most part, a simple apology and explanation is and should be enough. Some things really are that simple. Stop wasting time on petty arguments and debates early in the game that could damage a dating prospect because you’re subconsciously intent on fulfilling your own prophecies. But on the flipside, stop being so lenient with disrespectful men. What is the purpose of having standards if you step right over them when it matters most? If you have to force time, conversation, and feelings with a person, your relationships are doomed to fail. Dating and falling in love shouldn’t be that hard! It’s not as simple as a fairytale but I believe that if we stop forcing relationships to happen with someone, the RIGHT one will be able to come into our lives.

Your happiness: Do you take the lead or only have a bit part?

2009-05-15T18:34:00.003-05:00

One of my friend's spends all of her days running around the city handling other people's business for them while her life is in shambles. She complains about it all of the time, but she won't do anything to change it. Every time she tries to start on her own goals, sometime always "comes up" and she has to help someone else out so whatever she planned to do is thrown to the side.

Another woman I know complains about how she doesn't get to do anything fun in her free time because her husband likes to hang out at home and she doesn't have that many friends. When invited to social outings, she never goes (and she won't venture out and do anything by herself) but she keeps saying that her life is passing her by and she doesn't know why.

Too many times, we place our happiness in other people's hands. We let other people's schedule determine where we go, what we do, what our interests are, etc, and that really isn't healthy. You have to take control of your own happiness; otherwise, you will spend too much time analyzing other people's bullshit and trying to figure out the what, whens, and whys for their life while yours is placed on the back burner.A while back, I made the grown woman decision to re-prioritize my life. Nothing was necessarily wrong; I just wasn't fulfilled. I felt like I was giving only 70% to my own life, with the percentage slowly decreasing. I'd placed my life to the side and was slowly being wrapped up in the drama that my friends and family had going on. Trying to help them with their various situations, I was slowly being drained of the energy that I normally applied to my own. That's not to say that you shouldn't be involved in your friends life but there is a limit, and I was slowly passing it. I caught myself and pulled back from everyone. I decided to be more about SELF (not selfish, which is a completely different thing) and get back on track. I especially did this in the dating world. I made the decision of "no more potentials". Meaning, unless a man comes to me who is on his grown man, I have to keep it moving. This doesn't mean that I'll auto turn a person down (I am a work in progress myself), but I feel that at 28, I can't continue to waste my time on people who don't know what they want. I know what I want, need, and can compromise on; he needs to be on the same level. NO.MORE.EXCUSES. When I did this, I dropped a lot of dead weight. Not in a mean way, but just cleared a lot of space. And you know what? My life has been so much better. No more worrying if he has time for me in his schedule, if this friend can go to this event, if one day this will develop...uh, no, no more. I stopped worrying and being concerned about what THEY wanted and turned my focus back on to ME. My needs come before anyone else, and the best person to fulfill those IS me. And at this moment, life is so sweet it's icky, lol.

Look at the people around you. What do they bring to your life? Are they fun to be around? Do they support you in what you do? Do they help lift you up when you talk to them on a bad day? What do they bring to your life? Is it more or less than what you bring to THEIRS? Are you basing how you live on them and their involvement? You have to constantly re-evaluate the relationships in your life. If these people don't offer any encouragement or enhance your life in any way, speak up or let them go. Otherwise, you will waste too much energy trying to get them to become active in your life, instead of actively living your life.

It's called denial, and no it's not a river in Africa

2009-05-01T16:59:00.006-05:00

While reading Clutch Magazine, I came across an article titled *Signs He May Not Be Ready for a Relationship. There were 5 signs to look out for:

He tells you he’s not ready.
Actions speak louder than words.
He doesn’t call you or take you out.
He’s still too selfish to consider your feelings.
You’re not a part of his personal life.

All I could do was chuckle while reading this because with everything I have gone through these last few months (hell let’s be real and say years), I could totally relate. I only recently accepted that I give too much to people that really don’t deserve it (or have earned it I should say). It’s hard for a person to alter who they are at their core but I realized that in order for me to obtain and sustain a successful relationship (and not just be in some one-sided “situation”), I have to stop being so giving because I’m soooo not reaping any of the benefits! You see, I’m a person of the people. If I’m able to give any kind of advice or lend an ear or hand, I’m that person that will always try to show you that yes, some people in this world do still have compassion. This is great but this mentality creeped into how I behaved in my relationship almost to a fault. As we all know, men talk about how many women are damaged nowadays because they’ve been hurt in the past but with the interactions that I’ve had, I always thought it was the other way around. (THOUGHT being the operative word because I've learned the hard way that this doesn't apply to everyone). My goal with every guy that I’ve ever dated was to be as honest and upfront as possible, to be that cheerleader and continuously wave that glitter covered sign that reads “I SUPPORT YOU”. If I found out a person’s interests and liked it, I’d try to find out more. Favorite foods, places, movies, sports, whatever it was, I’d learn a little about it and say let’s go! It’s not that I changed who I was (because I would only learn about things that I truly found interesting, lol. If you said you were into jazz and contemporary art, I’d want to know who your favorite artists were and why you preferred it. But if you said you were into fly-fishing or stamp collecting? Um, no thanks, I’ll pass!), it’s just that I pride myself on being open to new things and experiences and so learning about it would be a plus for me. But in the midst of all of this “continuing education”, I neglected to notice one tiny little detail:

The favor wasn’t ever really returned.

As I sit here and type, I really can’t name one person who actively took an interest in any of my hobbies. I don’t have many, but I’ve tried painting, jewelry making, photography; no one has asked to see my work. When I say I listen to all kinds of music, no one has asked me to make them a playlist with some of my favorites just to see what it’s all about. I’ve mentioned wanting to try different cuisines, go salsa dancing, travel abroad or sheesh, a walk in the park, but no one has offered to do any of those things. Oh me mentioning them has always made for good conversation (and they were strangely impressed), but no one ever took initiative to learn more or indulge my interests. Why? Because they were all still wrapped up in their own lives. That’s not to say that I expected anyone to call and say they booked us a flight to Paris but it would’ve been nice to get a call to say “hey let’s try that Thai restaurant across town. I heard it was pretty good”. It all went in one ear and out the other, and not until recently did I fully realize this.

No guy has ever been MY cheerleader.

I have wonderful friends and family but you don’t always want to do these things with them. You want to do it with a guy, regardless of the relationship (casual or exclusive). Call me a romantic but when I date, I actually look forward to making memories and having experiences that only WE share. I want to be able to archive a date in my memory and somewhere down the line say “hey remember when…..” I want try something adventurous, a little different from the norm. Instead, my dates have all been relegated to the usual stomping grounds around town (unless I make a suggestion about dinner and it’s within a category of food that they are accustomed to having (Italian, Mexican, or Chinese (not to be confused by Asian. 2 totally different things here)) or, me trying to prove that I’m not just a pretty face, find out their favorite meals and cook. I’ve gotten them cards just because. Gone to activities they participated in just to show support. If they were interested in changing careers, I’ve purchased books about the subject and given them as a gift. Overall, I tried to be their friend, because I believe that this is what you do. But as I look back, only 20, maybe 25 percent of what I did was done in return. When I think about it, I can count on 1 hand how many guys would be able to tell you where I work if I asked (and it’s not like I change jobs). 2 could probably tell you what my favorite movie or TV shows are. That’s a pretty sad percentage considering I’ve remained on good terms with ALL of my exes. The guys that I’ve dated aren’t bad people; rocks shouldn’t be thrown at them if you cross paths on the street, lol. They are (as the article pointed out):

Into their own lives
Aren’t ready for a relationship
Still too selfish to consider other’s feelings
Weren’t a part of MY personal life (and vice versa because either I didn’t meet the friends, or I didn’t meet the family), and ultimately

Their actions didn’t speak louder than their words.

I always wondered why dating was so hard for me but I finally saw that I accepted too little in return and had been selling myself short. One of the biggest mistakes we women make is ignoring what we are told when we first meet a guy. We always look over sh!t and sometimes assume that bc of a few small actions, what men have said don't apply to us. But why? Denial. Because I knew so much about THEIR life, I naively believed that because we were having pillow talk (with and without pillows ya’ll, lol) I’d broken through a wall and that at any moment, everything I'd wanted would start happen and we'd be on some giddy little road to bliss. That miraculously, he (whoever HE was at the time) would see how fabulous I was and be open and willing to invest in me as I had in him. I never rushed the situation, but I never paused to realize that they didn’t do it as well, or even at the same time. And isn’t that what relationships are all about? The give and take that you have with a person in hopes of one day building something so solid (and this is so cliché’) it stands the test of time? At least that’s what I thought. And I still do to a certain extent. But I wised up. Like I said, it’s hard to change who you are at your core, but now I know to expect (and only accept) more, much, much more that just the possibility.

Take a look back at your previous relationships (even your current one): How much do they know about you? Vice versa? If you’ve read the article, are these things you looked past or have you always caught yourself before falling? I always thought I was a smart cookie 9because I can honestly give really good advice!) but for some reason, it’s always been difficult for me to take my own advice. Has that been the case for you?

Didn't know how to link the URL above so here is the link to the article: http://clutchmagonline.com/lifeculture/feature/signs-he-may-not-be-ready-for-a-real-relationship/#1

Boys will be boys

2009-04-27T11:35:00.000-05:00

Last week after making a comment about how THE lamest guys are always out in the streets stating they want, in the words of T.I., 8s, 9s, or dimes (and of course these guys are nowhere near T.I. status. But on a side note, does Tiny fall into any of those categories and I just don’t see it? I mean, I love me some Tip but his words are so not matching his reality), this guy told me that I would need to train a guy to be what I want. His reasoning was that these were boys and need help (he said his fiancé whipped him into shape) and I should try it. My response was that while I will work with a man who is a work in progress, there is no way in hell I would full on “train” a boy. I’m too old and lack the patience. I knew he was joking but that got me to thinking: What could I deal with? What would be pulling a Beyonce (Partner let me upgrade ya…..) and what would be playing mother hen?

To me, a work in progress is a guy that’s a little rough around the edges. Has fashion sense and etiquette, but may need to step out the box a little. May not have the best job YET, but is in training/school/certification classes so that he can move beyond it and keep progressing. Isn’t the best at expressing his feelings 100% of the time but still TRIES. He’s doing what he has to do to make his place in the world. Those are men to do the “come up” relationships with. They are (seemingly) on the road to true manhood and the support you give to them would be beneficial on both ends

A boy is someone that doesn’t have a pot to piss in, but wants a chick with a dope apartment, ride, and clothes. He looks, dresses, and acts a fool yet if she’s not a Halle Berry clone, he won’t even look twice. The only education he ever gotten was watching The Godfather Trilogies, The Mack, and playing Playstation all day, yet he wants Michelle Obama. Or, he wants the good, wholesome church girl but he’s out in the streets living it up every night. Really? That’s insane. Men who want someone with WAY more than what they themselves have to offer annoy the crap out of me. He has all of these prerequisites for a mate yet has no credentials of his own. Women do it too, but that’s not the focus of this post. If you don’t bring anything to table (not even a damn roll) how can you honestly expect a four course meal? Are you seriously that delusional? Why would or should women stoop down to that level? What women are? Based on what we can see, all he has to offer is hard dick and bubble gum and it’s not even the good kind!

Don’t get me wrong, some of these challenges are part of the natural progression to man hood (we understand the need to sow your oats and figure out what and you are as a man) but most of it is foolishness. If you’re a grown woman in all sense of the word, who has time to train THAT?

Am I the only person who feels like this? Please tell me I’m not. Men, how do you feel when you run across women like this? Is it easier to deal with from women? I seriously want to know.

He sees forever in your eyes, but did he even offer to buy you fries?

2009-04-20T12:16:00.002-05:00

Ok, so as you guys know I changed my number on Valentine’s Day because some weirdo who I’d given my number to almost 5 years ago still had me programmed and freaked me out by acting as if we still hung out. That was the straw that broke the camel’s back, but prior to that I’d been the victim of “texting when bored”. This is what happens when a man has no current dating prospects on his plate so he pulls out his Blackberry/Trio/I-Phone phone book and gets to writing. He texts women who he once had a fling/relationship/date in the hopes that one (or two) are currently single and hopefully looking for someone to share some time (or their bed) with. It’s not to say that he doesn’t truly like that woman in some way (she IS still in his phone) but by finding someone he has a little history with who is open to hanging out, he can use the familiarity they have and skip past the normal rituals of dating. In my case, one guy kept texting (then resorted to emailing me after I changed the number) every few weeks asking me to give him a chance but his words fell on deaf ears (well blind eyes, lol) because I knew him well enough to know he was full of crap and merely in a lonely stage.

Well he did it again last week which is the reason for this post. Yall I am not mean. I'm just honest and am tired of bullshit from guys, so I have no problem calling you out on it. He irritated the crap out of me because it's so obviously fake. It's so friggin lame! He waxes philosophic about how we are both on a journey for love and how great the world would be if we were together but he is never consistent on his advances. Very sporatic. Never once mentioned going out on a date, to meet up for coffee and catch up, hell to even play pool. Just how he KNEW I was the one for him, lol. And instead of trying to talk to me as a friend and THEN let it be known he wanted to date, he only comments on my looks and say phrases that are straight out of a Hallmark’s Card. I guess I'm suppose to find it endearing. Then he disappears and I don't hear from him until late at night a few weeks later, saying the same things. Again, never once does he suggest going out on a date. I think I am finally out of his "fave 5" after last week's conversation but sadly, I know this isn't completely over.

And here is where the annoyance sets in. Not so much at him (because I’m not interested in dating him and have told him that multiple times) but at the fact that a lot of other men have tried this crap. This is normal now. In an effort to be a cheapskate and not have to put any effort into actually getting to know and courting a woman, men continue this pathetic little cycle and are making dating/courting damn near obsolete. Oh they profess all kinds of love and yearning for the woman they are talking to (they just KNOW if you give them a chance your lives will be made so much better), but never do they even attempt to truly DATE that woman, or any other woman for that matter. How did this happen? When did this become ok?

This is not because the man doesn’t have any money (no you will not blame it on the re-re-re-re-recession, lol). This is not done because he’s been hurt or doesn’t want to get in a relationship that no one has even asked him to be in (because that’s why he tells you he’s calling you, remember?). This is because this man is only looking for sex. He hasn’t suddenly had a life changing experience, or realized how perfect you were for him. He is simply horny and thinks you will be an easy lay. He assumes that because you're single when he calls, you're happy to have any type of attention from a man so he won’t be required to jump through the “dating” hoops he normally would if he’d just met you. You know him so that should be enough, right?

Hell to the NO. Stating that you’ve reflected back on life or had some epiphany about us is not going to get you any closer to my bed. Stop it!

But this isn’t entirely their fault. There are women who have made this form of courtship ok and so now guys try to apply it across the board. Gone are the days when a guy actually called you and tried to take you to a movie. Now it’s all about hanging out (“let’s chill” ala Guy) while we women play Chef Boyardee and you watch the game at my place. So many women have said “oh we don’t have to go out” out of fear of being alone that men have taken this statement literally and ran with it. A woman saying that you don’t have to go out means that she isn’t just about money so if you can't take her to Che' Fancy it's ok. But you do need to apply some effort. Geez Louise…..

And let me say this: I have learned from experience that sometimes, a man DOESN’T have the means to take you on a lavish date all of the time and for those you make an exception. Why? Because even though he is unable to spend a lot, he still takes the time out and tries to be creative with his dates. Since he actually wants to get to know you and not just get in your pants ASAP he will suggest activities or places to meet outside of your home. On occasion his budget may be tight and can go only towards his necessities (food, clothing, shelter) so it’s cool. But in the event this man is still able to go out with his boys 3 nights a week, get shitfaced, and stays in the mall, this exception is nil and void. He is running game. Please don’t fall for it. Set some standards for yourself. Do it for me. Do it for all of womankind. You’re KILLING the art of dating every time you meet a guy and don’t set any boundaries because you think he won’t like you. Guess what; if he just wants to screw you DON’T need to talk to him. But if he suggests something, ANYTHING, outside hanging out at your place, it’s a step in the right direction. Because if a guy really, truly likes you, he will try. And that’s all I’m asking men to do these days. TRY.

"I should settle down, but what about you?"

2009-04-16T16:55:00.004-05:00

Why do people who consistently cheat be the main ones that ask you when/if YOU are ever going to settle down?

Earlier today I went to visit my older brother at the barbershop that he works at. He was cutting one of his oldest friend’s hair who I also went to high school with. After we chatted for a bit, the topic turned (as it always does when I am around them) to me and my single status. He asked me when was I going to settle down, get married and have kids. He commented that I was cute, had a good job, so what was going on? I told them that some of the guys that I had come across were too emotional (claiming to always be going through something) or they were looking for a mother and since I don’t have a kid, that’s a no-no. Or, we just weren’t compatible. The other barber added his ad-libs (“yeah-yeah” “for real?”) when he could. We laughed and then they started asking what kind of guys did I like, how old they were, etc. Before I could even answer, they started telling me that I basically needed to find an older man with money and call it a day. I laughed but in my mind I wondered why that seems to be the main criteria that women my age are told to look for when it comes to dating. Forget being treated well or having something in common. Get an old man that pays the bills (make sure you get an insurance policy on that ass!) so that you won’t have to worry about sleeping with them. Really? That’s all it will take to make me happy?

Anyway, the conversation switched to “women nowadays…” and they started talking about what women won’t do. Ok so, let me let you in on something.

Both of these gentlemen are married with kids.
Both of them step out on their wives.

On holidays, they bring the wife and kid(s) out and parade them around everyone playing world’s greatest father and husband, but once they go back home, they go back to their regular routine. Actually, it never stops-they just turned their phones off so the show wouldn’t be disturbed. Now I know you’re not suppose to let other people’s actions affect what you do or how you live but I’ve see this scenario so much it bothers me. Is this what I’m supposed to look forward to from my husband? Should I shut my mouth, turn the other cheek and smile for the cameras because hey, at least I got the ring and the big pretty house? I know these women are not stupid and know exactly what they do so if they are content with having that kind of marriage then fine but why is this normal? Why do some men get married even though they know they aren’t going to stop any of what they are doing? Why are you of all people asking me when I am going to settle down when your actions are all I see? Doesn’t make sense I tell you, lol.

Has anybody else experienced this? Or have these people as friends?

The Graduate

2009-04-14T16:31:00.002-05:00

After the discussion we had about submission and what it really means the other weekend, one of the guys sent me an email asking me the obvious question: why am I still single.

For the record, I hate when men ask you that because there really is no right way to answer that question. You either sound delusional:

“I’m great so I don’t know why I'm single.”

Or bitter:
"That @*(#)$@ SOB cheated on me! All men die!!!”

Sigh. I don’t necessarily know why I’m still single (could be a number of reasons-some obvious, some not) so I just told him that it’s probably just not time for me to be in one. I’m still good friends with 99% of my exes so I know (at least I hope) that I’m not a psychopath. Because who in their right mind stays friends with a psychopath? On second thought, don’t answer that… Anyway, he looked good on paper: degree, good job, god-fearing, nice circle of friends, etc so I thought he was cool and kept talking. We chatted a little more and then he asked me would it be possible for 2 people with an age gap as ours be on one accord. I didn’t know what he meant so I went to his page to check his age and did a double-take.

He’s 22. I’m 28. Let's do the math: he was still in elementary school when I was getting ready to graduate high school. When I was learning how to form simple sentences, he was still a fetus. Oh Lord…

I knew what he was leading up to but I tried to be aloof and play it off (I told him it was possible because my cousin is only 15 but he’s one of the smartest kids I know, lol). He then said he would like to get to know me more. I told him it was cool on a friendship level because I like making new friends but anything more would be a negative because it was just too big of an age gap for me to be comfortable with. He said he gets that a lot and that it was frustrating because he doesn’t have a lot in common with women his age. I told him just to be patient (because even though I’m not comfortable with it, someone else might be). Here’s why.

I’m not the same woman I was when I was 25. When I was 25, I wasn’t the same woman I was at 21. At 21, I was not the same as I was at 18. Hell, I’m different from who I was last week! It’s not that I don’t think a woman can date someone younger than her; I’ve dated younger men. I just don’t think a relationship with an age gap that’s bigger than 5 years can work. See, from age 25 until last winter, I only attracted guys who were 22 or 23 yrs old. I swear every guy that I talked to for longer than 5 minutes was younger than me! When I was 26, I dated a guy who was a few weeks shy of 22. He was cute, in college (basketball star. SCORE!) plus he was sweet so I thought, why not? It was my first time dating someone THAT much younger than me and we dated for 6 months. One of the reasons we stopped dating was him not being ready to focus on anything serious at his age. It wasn’t that I pressured him (I was having fun myself), but what can I say, I’m a cool girl and deep feelings were unexpected on BOTH ends. We’re still friends and talk fairly often (I’ve actually given him advice on how to be a better flirt) so it wasn’t a big deal. The guy after him was on the cusp of 24. Very casual (still talk daily) but it was the same thing (and he was previously burned in a relationship so doesn’t want anything serious). The ex a few posts up is 26. So suffice it to say, I’ve had my fill of younger guys. Don’t get me wrong, they were all mature and had different qualities about themselves that attracted me to them but I’m at a point were I’m thinking about marriage, kids, annual vacations and a 401(K) and I want someone that has the same mind frame. I joke but I’m secure in who I am, what I want, and what my needs are; most people under the age of 25 are still searching for that. They’re still trying to figure out what kind of relationship they want and best fits them at that time. I know it because I went through it. The guys above were fun but they were also exceptions. Something stood out about their personality that made me decide to date them. Plus it was good for me to step away from serious situations for a bit and have some fun. I’m not at that place anymore-I’m dating for a purpose (though I still want the dates to be fun!). I just feel that unless a man has done all of the chasing, seed-sowing that he needs to do while young, him jumping into a serious relationship at such a young age is a recipe for disaster, especially a 22 year old. Yes, some men do mature quickly but more times than not, they get into a committed relationship too young, someone gets hurt, and then it takes months, maybe even years for them to heal and trust again. Falling in love is full of risks which I am willing to take because the payoff is worth it. But we have all heard the stories about the older woman who broke that poor boy’s heart. Who wants to be labeled as “her”?

So, is age just a number to you? What’s your limit? Do you think there is a difference with a woman dating a younger man vs. a man dating a younger woman?

If you're submissive, raise your hand!

2009-04-13T11:32:00.003-05:00

Last weekend a site buddy posed the question:

Would you rather have a woman with a career or a submissive woman? Be honest!

Being nosey, I clicked on the comments. The majority of the men said that they would like a woman who is an equal mix of both (and I gave them a virtual high-five because it was the best answer IMO). One guy stated that he wanted a more submissive woman because she would, in a nutshell, take better care of him at home. However, a common thread though many of the posts was that career oriented women do not take care of home or their man; they are only concerned about their job, don’t know how to be submissive and aren’t appreciative of a good man. Me being me, I had to add my two cents at that point because there seems to be a common misconception about career women and more “domesticated” women and what the definition of submissive is: Being submissive to a man is not based on whether or not you have a career or stay at home.

Here is the definition of submissive according to Webster’s dictionary:

Sub`mis´sive
a.
1.
Inclined or ready to submit; acknowledging one's inferiority; yielding; obedient; humble.
Not at his feet submissive in distress,Creature so fair his reconcilement seeking.
- Milton.

2.
Showing a readiness to submit; expressing submission; as, a submissive demeanor.
With a submissive step I hasted down.

Here is definition of being submissive according to the bible:
(Ephesians 5:21-32)
21 and be subject to one another in the fear of Christ. 22 Wives, be subject to your own husbands, as to the Lord. 23 For the husband is the head of the wife, as Christ also is the head of the church, He Himself being the Savior of the body. 24 But as the church is subject to Christ, so also the wives ought to be to their husbands in everything. 25 Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ also loved the church and gave Himself up for her; 26 that He might sanctify her, having cleansed her by the washing of water with the word, 27 that He might present to Himself the church in all her glory, having no spot or wrinkle or any such thing; but that she should be holy and blameless. 28 So husbands ought also to love their own wives as their own bodies. He who loves his own wife loves himself; 29 for no one ever hated his own flesh, but nourishes and cherishes it, just as Christ also does the church, 30 because we are members of His body. 31 For this cause a man shall leave his father and mother, and shall cleave to his wife; and the two shall become one flesh. 32 This mystery is great; but I am speaking with reference to Christ and the church. 33 Nevertheless let each individual among you also love his own wife even as himself; and let the wife see to it that she respect her husband.

First of all, none of these men are married (2 were engaged) so why would a woman be submissive to them in the first place? That statement is a problem in itself because the bible specifically talks about a man and his wife; not his boo, cut buddy, live in girlfriend, baby momma, etc. So seriously guys, scratch that statement from your vocabulary. You’re merely reducing it to gender specific roles/duties when that is not why it was written. I need for men to stop quoting the bible when it says that his wife should be submissive to him and equating that to his girl cooking and cleaning, yet turn around and get offended when she brings up the part about a man being the provider and head of his household and paying bills. I mean, that’s all that it’s about right? Pay my bills; I’ll be your maid? Nah didn’t think so…

Now I’m not the smartest cookie in the bunch but it seems to me that being submissive entails waaay more than just cooking a hot meal everyday or screwing you 4 ways to Sunday. It’s much deeper than that. It’s about becoming one with your mate. That means we both do what needs to be done to support our partners in any way, shape or form. That means we both strive to meet each other’s needs be it mentally, physically, emotionally, spiritually, and any other part of our lives that we need encouragement in.
It’s a collaborative effort.

I was able to read further into question that was posed and I understand his ultimate frustration in being about to find a woman who was able to balance work, home, and a relationship, but I’m tired of people acting as if all woman that have career-oriented goals are wrong or neglectful to their relationships. Yes there are some women who fit that bill but the same goes for men-they are labeled as workaholics. A woman being a stay at home mom is just that-a stay at home mom*. It doesn’t mean she will never disrespect you, cheat on you, neglect the household choirs, withhold sex, or never leave. A woman who works every day is just as capable of taking care of her kids, house, her man, and herself. Any woman is capable of that. Do they all do it? No. It’s all about balance and determining what type of relationship best fits your lifestyle. Wanting a woman who likes to cook every day is one thing but that has nothing to do with whether or not she gets up and clocks in everyday. That’s why you need to take the time and actually get to know the people you are dating instead of getting caught up in him paying bills and buying you nice things or her cooking for you and washing your clothes. Find a connection and if it fits what you want long-term (if that is in fact what you are looking for) try to build together.

So, what is your definition of submissive? Do you know the difference? What’s your opinion on why there is such a divide between the two women (Career/Domestic) and what their capabilities are in a relationship?

*This is not meant to take anything away from a stay at home mom/wife because I actually consider that to be the hardest job to manage. But I work every day and I’ve grown tiresome of some men complaining about all the things that women don’t or won’t do for them, and this being the lame reason why.

Ladies: Fix your face and lose the attitude

2009-04-09T10:12:00.004-05:00

Women, please stop assuming everyone other woman is out to get your man. I understand that there may be a shortage but everyone is not scheming on you when you are out in public, ok? Please stop frowning up and acting rude towards women when they speak to you and your dude especially when it’s in a business environment. For some of us, it’s just a part of our job so chill out.

So last night at work (The Store, my 2nd job) a young black couple came in looking for something to wear on Easter. Dependent on the side of the store that people gravitate towards when they enter, you can tell which person the trip is really for. I greeted them per my usual, and then I let them know all of the promos that we had going on (tons), especially for men since that was the side they were on. The guy smiled and asked me a few more questions about the promos while the girl just looked at me. Looking at some of our button-ups the guy jokingly asked me was chocolate still in for the season. I told him it was always in season but if he wanted to keep it springy, try pairing it up with a nice pastel. He said he had been thinking about pairing up the color with pink and asked did I think it would go together. I told him I did but turned to his girlfriend and asked “what do you think? You have to look at him.” because she was standing there with a blank expression on her face. I said that so that she could join in the conversation and, IMHO, input what she likes to see her man wear (because what woman doesn’t like to pick out clothes for their guy?). He turned to her and said “Yeah baby, what do you think?” Her face scrunched up and she rolled her eyes so he put the shirt down. I asked a few more questions, told them my name, then let them be so that they could browse (I’m not the type of person to hound you while shopping). She walked over to women’s sale while he continued looking around at shirts. About 5 minutes later, my manager asked me to check on them because the guy didn’t seem to care for her but the girlfriend was nice. We were the only two working that night so I laughed and told her it was the opposite for me. Well we’ve learned from previous experiences that if a couple comes in shopping for the guy, keep the woman happy because she is going to determine if a purchase is made or not. My manager shook her head knowingly, laughed, and went back to help them. They were in the store for about 20 minutes and it was amazing how differently his girlfriend acted with her (she’s a middle aged white woman). I walked near them and said a few things but she would just look at me like I was stupid. It was like she had a completely different personality dependent on who was talking to her. I’m one of the nicest associates in the store, plus the guy talked and joked with me for a bit so I knew that I hadn’t done anything wrong.

I didn't take it personally, but situations like this always puzzle me. It's happened many times before but it saddens me that it usually only happens with young black women. I’m not saying that other races don’t have the ability to be rude (we had one white couple come in the night before a minute before we closed who LITERALLY looked down their noses at me and the other manager on duty and wouldn't even say hello back to us) but every time a young couple comes in that’s around my age and is black, it happens. I don’t expect them to be nice to me simply because we’re the same color but damn, why act like that? It’s not attractive at all. And my friends have experienced it as well. Even when we’ve been out on dates and if our guy sees someone he knows with their girl, the women almost always act rude when you speak. He's your man. We get it. We're not blind.

Everyone has an off day so I get that. But to see you act like 2 differently people in the same setting let's me know that something is going on. I do my best not to generalize situations by race but I had to write and ask if anyone else has experienced this? Guys, do you notice when your girl acts like this? Is it just a southern thing? Maybe a Memphis thing? Was it because of the store I work in? Or, ARE all women scheming 24/7 and nobody sent me the memo?Somebody clue me in, lol...

A series of unfortunate events

2009-04-08T10:51:00.003-05:00

Have you ever had a day that you wanted to just start over? Where what can go wrong will? Or something unexpected occurs that knocks you off your feet and at the end of the day all you can do is laugh? Well, that’s been my last 24 hours.

So on the post yesterday, you guys know I vented because I was jealous and still confused by my ex that was able to move on so quickly even though he told me at the time we dated that he didn’t have time for a relationship. Well, my curiosity (coupled with PMS) got the best of me and I sent him an email. What can I say, I'm one of those people that needs to know why. I need something final from a person otherwise, it will bother me. It's something I need to work on but I'm a work in progress...Anyway, I told him I saw the pictures and while the part of me that was his friend was really happy for him that he had accomplished so much since I met him, the part that liked him as a man to date was shocked and a little hurt because I felt as though he lied to me about what he was capable of handling at that time. I didn’t expect him to respond, but he did. He told me that he assumed I had moved on because of subliminal blogs that I post that he felt were aimed at him, and because I posted I was in a relationship he thought I was done. This surprised me because I didn’t even think he went on my page any more. I did finally post a blog in late January saying that I was letting go because it had been a few weeks since our last conversation and I felt stupid for waiting and waiting for something to happen that didn’t. (side note: he NEVER said anything to me about it). And I changed my relationship status because this guy would not leave me the hell alone (he was one of the late night texters that no longer had my number and that was the only way to contact me). I couldn't believe he said that because at one point, he changed his status for the very same reasons (but I asked him about it). I told him he never communicated anything to me so I felt I had no choice but I guess what’s done is done (because I wasn’t trying to intervene in what he had going on; I just needed closer because for whatever reason, I didn’t have it regarding him). I really don't know what to believe but we both agreed that lack of clear communication messed everything up. That was on my mind all evening at work so I wasn’t as peppy as I usually am (sorry guys). That situation wasn't so bad but....

Later that night when I got off from job number two, I got home to find out there was a power outage at my apartment building. um, I went grocery shopping Sunday so now I'm going to have to throw away food. And did I mention it was 35-40 degrees outside? I had to fumble around in the dark with candles (flashlight would NOT work) and bundle up in a hoodie and two blankets to keep from freezing to death. PLUS, I have a weird ass fire alarm that seems to only beep (extremely loudly) when it’s cold so I did NOT sleep well last night. Also, with no power, I couldn’t read nor do my homework so ugh! I have to cram it all in today….

And finally, this morning due to the power still being out, I had to light candles in the bathroom and have it steaming hot so that I could shower (water is covered through my lease thank goodness) and get ready for work. While wiping off the mirror, my robe’s sleeve got too close to the flame and caught on fire! So here I am screaming and hopping like a jumping bean around my bathroom and the flame actually JUMPED to the other side of the robe. I swear I was like the guy on Fantastic Four: Flame ON! There was no damage but had I not moved as quick as I had, who knows what I would’ve looked like this morning. I told one of my besties what happened and she told me I should’ve taken a personal day, lol. It most definitely would’ve been justified…

So I asked myself this morning why me? I know karma is a beyotch but who in the hell did I mess with in order for this to happen to me?! But seriously, all I can really do is laugh because even though this was a lot to deal with in 24 hours, it could be worse. Hopefully, the day will get better….

Oh, and word to the wise: do NOT use those candles that you get from a dollar store during power outtages. They will burn your ass up!!

Real Time Emotion

2009-04-07T14:56:00.000-05:00

Damn, I feel so crazy right now. For whatever reason, I can’t get over the fact that the guy that I use to date has moved on to a seemingly happy, fulfilling relationship (the one who I was told was married. Found out that they are not married but you might as well say it is written from the looks of things). I think I am jealous. There, I said, er, typed it out loud. But it’s not because I wish I was her because who wants to be with someone who lied. It’s not that. I’m only jealous because I’m NOT dating anyone worth while and haven’t in a long time and this just added insult to injury. I’m actually more pissed because it was so damn easy for him to move on. Then to see him post this shit today (we are friends on a social networking site) all happy and carefree on vacation in pictures even though it was apparent that he was dating us both at the same time, in the words of Peter Griffin, really grinds my gears. I only know about these pictures because I get updates about people (settings WILL be changed when I get home because to keep getting them would mean I’m a glutton for punishment) but ugh, I’m annoyed that it’s even still bothering me. This ended in January. I’ve dated other people since then. I’m not sitting at home eating bon-bons or having a pity party about being single, but it (him and this) just keeps creeping into my thoughts and it messes with me. He’s moved on. Others have moved on before (and so have I) so WTF?

I guess now I know what the ones I broke up with feel like now, lol. Life went on with me while they stayed there looking confused. I know what you’re all going to say (because I keep saying it to myself) “GET THE HELL OVER IT!!!” It’s just hard for some reason. It shouldn’t be considering I’m working 2 jobs and in school again (so I obviously have other, more important things to think about) but here I am, acting like a silly little girl mulling and dissecting some bullshit….take me higher lord! My psyche is out of wack…

This makes me think about the classic Sex and The City episode when Carrie see’s Big after the engagement party. She asks him why not her, and he told her it was too hard. With Natasha it was easy. She then told him “Your girl is lovely, Huble.” and then walked off. I never considered myself difficult (I hate drama or arguing and try to keep things light) but could I be? Am I a “K-K-K-Katy?”

You will but you won't

2009-04-03T10:27:00.001-05:00

Question: if you have ever been involved with someone that was married or already in a relationship, do you have trust issues in your own relationships? When you are in a relationship that is labeled as being monogamous, are you faithful in yours? Or do you still keep looking and/or cheat? What do you classify as cheating?

Who will be honest when they answer this?

Me personally, I have dated a guy who was in a relationship (and when I say date, I mean we went out, I met his family, everything. I knew he was in a relationship but we still hung out just the same.)

However, if I'm dating someone and we are both single (meaning he's not hiding a babymomma, wife, live in girlfriend, etc), then I am faithful. And I don't have trust issues-i figure if you're going to cheat, it has nothing to do with me and/or how well I treat you-thats just you. If I choose to stay with you that's dependent on the situation (I know, a double standard but it is what it is).

I know you wonder how I was able to do that, and my thing is: if you don't respect your own relationship and the time and work that you have invested into it, neither will I.

Does that make me right? No. Does it justify what I've done in the past? No. I'm not looking for justification or promoting being the other woman or anything stupid like that. But I know that we all are human and we all make mistakes and hopefully, we learn from our past discretions and evolve into better people over all. And please don't post a holier than thou, I've never done anything like that comment. That's not what this post is about. Its about being honest and getting into why people have the tendency to cheat, even if they are in what would be classified as a happy, healthy relationship.

Discuss =)

You're my friend-until you date my brother

2009-03-31T09:27:00.001-05:00

So a few weeks ago I went to my friend B's birthday/house party. The last set I went to at his house was hosted by him and his fiance a few months ago. Well, B's no longer engaged. They had lifestyle differences (she wasn't very domestic. She didn't have to work but felt that she didn't have to clean either) and ended their engagement a few months earlier.

Well, when I got to the party and started mingling, I noticed he and this chick were flirting hard. She was helping him with the hosting duties, talking to everyone as if she was the lady of the house. Now, I found out about the engagement ending from another source so I figured he had moved on and this was his new girl/friend/ buddy (I don't know what to classify her as because people nowadays shy away from labels, but you know what I mean). Well, in between the petty arguments that people got into all night and my flirtig with Black (see previous post) her and I talked and it turns out we knew each other "at another time". We met years ago through a mutual friend when we were in jr high/ high school but hadn't seen each other since.
Anyway, us 4 kind of stuck together all night.

At one point I was sitting next to B's sister (or god sister. I'm still a little fuzzy about that detail bc I only knew his brother) and she was steaming mad. Whenever people would ask her what was wrong, her respond would be "I told him not to do one f*cking thing! I said don't go there and he did." Everone was like, who? What? Nobody really understood what she was upset about. I mean she was pissed. Ther only person who figured it out was Black. Turns out, she was upset bc the girl that B had been flirting with all night was her friend. They'd even come to the party together. Long story short (and in Black's eyes) she was upset bc in the event her friend and B didn't work out, her child would be neglected and ther friendship would be strained. However, she wouldn't talk to her friend about it. She just kept making a scene and cursing. Her friend was confused bc in all honesty, her and B were merely flirting. There was an attraction that they wanted to explore but that was as far as they had gotten. She didn't understand how here friend could become so upset with her and act a donkey in front of everyone without talking to her. I mean, it was weird.

She asked Black and me for our opinion and I told her, do what you want. You have to live for yourself. Her fear was losing her friend bc she didn't hang with many women and I asked her, how close of friends can you honestly be for someone not to tell you that they are uncomfortable with you dating their fam? Instead they have an attitude (which was unwarranted) with you, and apparently, are ready to fight you. And for what? For flirting? That's crazy. Black agreed and told her to do what she felt but bc her friend was extra sensitive for whatever reason, don't flaunt it in her face. He also talked to B's sister and told her she was out of place for acting like that. I talked to homegirl a few days later (we exchanged numbers that night) and she said that they never talked about it. They went to a concert together and it was as if nothing happened.

I've witnessed this happen with friends before but usually its dealing with someone dating an ex, not a family member. Does anyone understand why she was angry? If she didn't like the type of person her friend was, why exactly were they friends? Would you be friends with someone you wouldn't want a friend or family member to date?

Always tell the (real) truth

2009-03-26T00:04:00.004-05:00

Never tell a person that you aren't in a place to be in a relationship when in actuality, you just aren't in a place to be in a relationship with THEM*. I mean, why lie? What purpose does it serve? This is the very reason that people have so many trust issues with relationships and dating nowadays. Even though you may not care (bc hey, you're getting what you want right now, no?), when you lie/fib/omit things from people that can very easily become public knowledge, you run the risk of damaging your own credibility overall, not just with that person when/if the real truth ever comes out. Contrary to popular belief, (gasp!) people do have the ability to move on from a situation and/or feelings, so even if you think it may hurt them, always be truthful and be a man or woman of your word.....

*Sooo I just learned that an ex (the Activist) is either engaged or married (I'm heavily leaning on the latter). This is absolutely hilarious bc just around the holidays, he was planning on making time for a relationship in his life because he felt he worked too much. He never said it included me (when I asked, that was the last time we really talked) but finding this out just confirmed what I expected at first-he started weirding out with me because he was unable to balance everyone that he was dating, not bc he didn't have time in his life for it. I'm past the point were I would be hurt by the news but, I'm just surprised that he flat out lied to me. But then again, we know how men can be when it comes to matters of the heart so how surprised could I be......

Lovers or friends?

2009-03-23T16:26:00.004-05:00

So Saturday I acted like a 28 yr old (finally!) and went out! It wasn't anything major (a house party) but still, I'm proud, lol. I'd been complaining about not going out so I looked forward to it all night. The party was thrown B, by one of the neighborhood kids I grew up with (He and his brother inherited the house when their mother passed) and I've been to one of his sets before, so I knew I would have fun. I end up seeing old classmates and just having a good old time so unless I am out of town, I'll always swing by something he throws.

Anyway, I found out about the party from our mutual friend (Black) bc B wanted to be sure I came to help him celebrate his birthday. I felt a tinch special because it meant people like me and have fun with me so of COURSE I had to make an appearance (in my mind I am a pseudo-celebrity, lol). So, I got there, had a drink made (Ciroc and hawaiian punch. Don't play it's good!) and hung out. Now, here is the reason for my post. Black and I have known each other since the 5th and 6th grade (he was a grade lower) and have been super good friends since my senior yr in highschool. He was actually suppose to be my prom date (all girls were searching for someone cute to take pictures with). He had been asked by MULTIPLE women before me but agreed to go with me but issues came up with his family a few weeks before prom, so I ended up going with someone else (he was cute but it wasn't the same, lol). Anyway, Black and I have always had a weird relationship. In highschool I use to tell him he was my husband but I allowed him to date other people (I had a boyfriend that had graduated a yr earlier so it was all in good fun) and he would "threaten" any guy that looked at his wife too long in the hallway. But, he and I never dated. We've always flirted and hugged but never dated.

Through the years we have discussed and dissected friendships, relationships, career choices, everything. He has always told me I was one of the prettiest women he's ever seen and he is just a nice slice of Hershey/Godiva/ hard body delicousness. Like seriously, slap some whipcream on him and you have dessert. And at these sets, we are always hugged up, telling raunching jokes, just flat out being silly with each other and everybody there. Well Saturday, he put me on the spot in front of everybody. I'm not sure how it came about but I got saluted at this boy's birthday party for being a supercool awesome chick. One of my brothers was there (and they play ball together) and he told him that he would always ride for me with him if anything was ever needed, I helped salvage some of his relationships (romantic and platonic) and jsut a whole bunch of other stuff. I felt like Pac: All eyes on me.

When he was done, everyone just cracked up (somebody snapped my picture) and then things went back to normal. He and I were standing there talking and he grabbed my hand, looked me square in the eye and told me I was absolutely beautiful. He kept repeating it, told me never to change who I am for anyone and that the only thing he would change about me is my position in his life. I was like what do you mean? He said I would most definitely be his wife but because I have helped him so much he would not want to jeopardize our friendship in case it went wrong and then lose me because I help keep him sane. All I could do was stand there looking dumbstruck and holding his hand. I snapped out of it and told him to stop bc he was gonna make me cry (and plus I didn't know how to respond). We hugged and laughed and went on with the party. We were hugged up for the rest of the night (and he kissed me. Very light but still), issued dual dating advice to a new friend (which will be a post) and I ended up going home just, well, confused as hell.

In all of the so-called dating advice books I've read, they say that a guy will forgo a friendship if he REALLY wants you. Is that true? Or are some friendships, no matter how great they could be if they became romantic, worth keeping platonic? I'm obviously not going to question him about it because well, I don't even know where I would start. But should I? I mean, I've always had a long standing crush with him (like if he tried, he could get it) and we have joked about what we WOULD do given the opportunity but I never looked at it too deep because we both are flirts and silly as hell. But we've always been 100% truthful with each other, even when it hurt. Like I said, he's always told me I was pretty but he's never gone on for as long as he did as he did Saturday. I just assumed we never dated because well, we were always with other people, and that I wasn't necessarily his type.

Do we need to just blame it on the a-a-a-a-a-alcohol?

What's you flavor

2009-03-17T16:44:00.002-05:00

So last week I discovered that I actually do have a type. Whenever me and my friends would talk about guys that we liked and have previously dated, I always assumed I was the one that didn't lean any particular way. In my book, if you're cute, handle your business, and can make me laugh, then you're A OK. I read SOOO many magazines and whenever they would do the articles on the different types of men (is he: sensitive? Workaholic? Bad Boy?) I would skip over them because I felt they didn't apply to me. Until I realized that at least 6 of the guys that I've dated in the last 3 years (and I haven't dated a whole bunch so the ratio is dumb high, lol) have been musically inclined in some way. If they didn't play an instrument, they wrote and/or produced music.

I was talking to the new guy (Beats we'll call him, lol) last week about why we liked each other (I know, very Wonder Years) and that's when I had the epiphany. I realized that I tend to gravitate more to those who immersed themselves in music; something about their personalities and the way that they express themselves is more appealing than say your corporate, Brooks Brother suit wearing guy. I can go to a studio and watch them work for hours-I'm just fascinated by the prcess. Something about an artist (in any way, shape, or form) touches me. I guess because in their free time (because some do hold corporate jobs) they spend it working on their craft instead of being worried about poppin bottles or chasing women. Yes, being an artist is normally synonymous with being a manwhore so that sounds crazy for me to say but, I guess because they haven't yet "got on" that's really the last thing on their mind. Or, they just don't do it around me which I appreciate! At any rate, the conversations that we have tend to be waay more interesting and run the gamut from politics, fashion, history, music (of course)...just any and everything. Many of the more corporate guys I run into tend to talk a little too much about themselves or how much money they have. I once went out with a guy who let me know no less than 5 times how many degrees that he had. I tried to change the conversation (he had also been involved in the military, did real estate, and was working at our local paper) yet it kept going back to that. And keep in mind, his job WASN'T related to his degree so I was a bit confused....

All I can say is, some women always say they like a guy with a little bit of hood in him (one of my friends will only date street pharmacists which is another post all in itself) and while I can't totally disagree with that sentiment (I'd probably word it differently; basically no bitchassness allowed) I'd prefer if he someone be involved in the arts.

What about ya'll? Any preferences?

How quickly we forget

2009-03-11T16:44:00.003-05:00

A few weeks ago, I found myself hurt and distraught over the abrupt end of a relationship. I wasn't just hurt that it ended, but how it ended. Considering we were friends first, I never suspected it to end like it did. I'm not even sure I know the real reasons why (the story changed more and more as time progressed) but I was hurt nonetheless. I totally understand where Charlotte was coming from when she yelled at Carrie (I believe it was the 2nd season):

"I've been dating since I was 15. WHERE IS HE?!"

I'm not the same age as she was when she screamed it (I believe around 34) but I can co-sign the sentiment. When you've reached a point in your life where you've sown all of your "wild oats", have come into your own as a woman, and know what characteristics and qualities you want in a mate, you have disdain for quicky relationships. That's not to say that you settle for any and everything but you no longer have the need to juggle men trying to decide who gets what night of the week. Even if it doesn't end in marriage, you want one guy that you can hang with on a continuous basis, travel with, introduce to the fam, etc. So when it ended, I took a moment to regroup, analyze, etc. Read a few dating books (Steve Harvey's is good. Most of it we should already know but it's a good read nonetheless and it reaffirms things you may have forgotten about) talked to friends, etc, to help myself get over the situation.

I also decided to take a step back from dating because I've been going through the ups and downs the past few years and I did NOT want to stay on the emotional rollercoaster (I swear Vivian Green has been the soundtrack to my life, lol). The guy and I stayed friends and while it's not how it was at first, it's getting back to it (though I am not at the point where I want to hear about his relationship. I don't even know if he and the girl he chose are still dating because I asked him to refrain from talking about it. I'm ok with it now, I guess, lol.). I wasn't waiting for us to get back together but I was sad. Sad that he (along with other exes that I ran across) had moved on with their lives and there I was alone. STILL. I didn't wallow in pity or anything like that but it was on my mind heavily until.........

I met someone. Lol, crazy right?! Now, I doubt he and I will be serious (I have my reasons) but it's funny how quickly I stopped being hurt and wondering what the other guy was doing. I GOT OVER IT. My reason for this post is to ask if it takes someone new to come into your life to truly get over the last person? Like I said, this situation is strictly for fun but it's refreshing to say the least. Now that I have something else to focus on, I'm not focused on the old sh*t. Funny....

As for old boy, when I told him I went on a lunch date last week, he seemed a little jealous. I told him I had a wonderful time (Burn!!!!!) and he told me I was rubbing it in. As silly and as immature as it is, I could not have been happier. I don't care what anyone says, there is nothing like letting an ex know what they are now missing. What do you think?

Melodic Thoughts

2009-03-02T16:44:00.002-06:00

It's amazing how songs can conjour up thoughts of a love gone wrong with just a few melodies. While going to pick up lunch today, I had my Ipod on shuffle and a song by Ne-Yo came on. "Spotlight". As soon as it came on, I instantly thought about a recent ex. I would call it the prequel to "Miss Independent" because if you've never heard the song, he's basically talking about how bad a woman is (in the good sense). Why did I think about an ex? He's a musician (writes, produces, & sings). One day in the car it came on and he hit repeat because he loved the way the song first came on (you know how musicians have an ear for music. They hear things that we "common folk" don't hear. Well this one time a few months ago I was in another friend's studio and I think I heard something but his equipment wasn't up to par so I don't know if it counts, lol). Anyway, he started humming and doing light "runs" as he held and kissed my hand and I just turned to mush, lol. So when things ended with us (still not sure what happened. I just know the sh*t ended, lol). I never listened to the song. I would always skip over it bc the memories hurt. I listened to it in it's entirety today because it's been months since it ended and I figured it would be ok. Dammit if it didn't take me right back to that moment! I'm not sad anymore though. It is what it is but it's funny how music does that. Hmm, what other songs:

Whenever I hear tracks from Life After Death (B.I.G.) I always think about my crazy ex from highschool who, when he wasn't so crazy, introduced me to East Coast Hip-Hop (Wu Tang Clan ain't nothin' to f*ck with!) I swear this boy had me reading The Source, XXL, and Vibe religiously.

If I hear Seal's "Touch" or Darrius Rucker's "Exodus" I think of MY Mr. Big. Oh, and Selena Johnson's "I'm gon cry". I'll always love him, even though our season has passed.

"Let's Get It On" 8th grade boyfriend that I had my friends break up with because he started singing along to it in the movies (The Inkwell) and something about it weirded me out. Can't listen to it to this day, lol.

"I Can't Help But Wait" Thoughts of a friend that turned into an unrelationship and my dumb *ss kept waiting for him to "see" that he should be with me. Yeah, that never happened, lol. We're still cool though.

There are so many songs, so many memories. If you ever catch me smiling at a random moment and music is on, know that I'm probably having a flashback.....

Winter Wonderland

2009-02-28T16:01:00.003-06:00

At this very moment, a blanket of fluffy white snow is covering the mid-south. Now, I have said my prayers for my friends and family, just everyone who may still be out in it (I was given the night off from the part-time today bc they are closing early and I know everyone isn't as blessed), but I'm still excited for the snow. We hardly EVER get snow so, it's beautiful. I'm gonna take some pictures in a sec to document. Days like this bring back memories of grade school and jr high when we use to get out early (if we didn't have the day off) have snowfights with our friends, and then hurry home to enjoy some warm tasty soup or chilli w/a gooey grilled cheese sandwich (dammit! I don't have any bread :( ). Even though I won't partake in any snow fights today (my hair!) I will be enjoying this day. I'm headed for a quick workout at our facility in my apt (gotta stick with the workout plan) and then I will be enjoying movies and all of the magazines I've had to neglect due to life getting in the way. Allure, InStyle, Glamour, Cosmo, Lucky, Marie Claire, oooh I can't wait! I don't know what movies I will watch though. It's a toss up of season 2 of Laguna Beach (guilty pleasure), season 1 of Dawson's Creek (CW ain't got nothin on the WB!) or many of the chick flicks I have. Doesn't really matter. Today is a day of doing absolutely nothing and I'm loving it. I hope everyone else is taking some time out as well. Just take a moment to slow down. We're always in a rush, working and multi-tasking, and we never take the time to rejuvenate our minds, bodies, and spirit. Let the snow be your excuse. Always work hard but remember to do the things that you love as well. Have fun!!!

Soul Searching: Body

2009-02-24T22:51:00.002-06:00

Normally my posts are related to relationships but I decided to do something different today. And it's long, lol....

At the beginning of each New Year, people normally take a moment to make resolutions. Stop smoking or drinking, take up new hobbies, and more times than not, to lose weight. It has been on my mind for the last few years to lose a few (ahem 20-30 cough) pounds and usually I'll start exercising that week, eat a few salads, and act as though I'm really focused on making that change. By weekend however, a friend will call and say let's go for mexican/pizza/drinks and that change goes out the window. Oh the complaints don't stop: we stillsit around and talk about how great life would be if we lost weight from (___ insert body part(s)) yet we never do anything further than talk about it for the next couple of months. Then, a new Beyonce video will come out, or Kim K or J Lo will be on a magazine cover and then we will start again. This has been my cycle for years. I lost 10 pounds 2 yrs ago and slowly gained it back. Well, this year something snapped in my mind and I truly decided to make a change. What happened? I finally looked in a mirror and called myself fat.

Why so harsh? Well, in order for me to truly understand that I needed to lead a healthier life, I needed to come to terms with WHY I needed to. Its cause I'm fat. Not curvy, chubby, chunky, big boned, thick, etc. I'm fat. Don't get me wrong, I carry my weight very well (nobody believes me when I tell them my real weight), I've never had an issue with dating, and I've never been pressured by anyone to lose weight. Everyone tells me I'm good just how I am. If I lose too much, I'll lose the "essence" of me and the confidence I have, blah, blah, blah. Truth be told, I've always been the cute chubby one within my circle of friends. I dress nice, am naturally pretty (if I do say so myself, lol) have a good personality, smart, funny, in essence, the total package. But I'm the chubby one. The sexy thick girl. Well, it was cute for a second but I'm tired of it. Because in the same breath that my friends tell me I'm cute, I've had strangers add how much prettier I would be if I lost a little weight. The straw that broke the camels back was when I got a friend request on myspace from a promoter who threw parties for "Big and Beautiful Women". I was offended-1 bc I never classified myself as "big" (I do not shop in plus size clothing stores) and 2 I do not agree with the premise of throwing parties for chubby chasers (men who only pursue plus size women). Those parties are not for women they are for those men, who I believe assume they will be easy prey. I don't feel like those help with self esteem issues, if there are any there. Newsflash people: not all full figured women have issues with dating, self esteem, or any of the characteristic sthat have been stereotypically applied to them over the years. Some of the most beautiful women I have ever seen have been over a size 16, and have dated some of the hottest guys you've ever seen. They always look good and have confidence to boot. Please believe that they don't have to be segregated from "normal size" women in order to compete in the dating world. But I digress....

Anyway, when I got the request, my mind started ticking. I knew in order for me to no longer be on that radar, something had to change.I started thinking about how much I wanted to lose, what my reasons were behind losing it and other things. I know so much about losing weight, what exercises work and don't work, etc but I couldn't understand why I couldn't stick wit a program. But then it dawned on me. I was afraid to lose the weight. As crazy as it sounds, even though I hated being classified as the "cute chubby one" in the group, I was afraid to not be it anymore. See, by having that label, it meant that I couldn't depend on my looks alone (follow me here). I had to develop wit, educate myself, dress nice, be articulate, be sexy, etc on a higher level than all of my friends. I couldn't just be another pretty face in a crowd. I had to make sure I had all of shit together because then I knew that a guy was dating me for me, and not just bc of my looks. I know there are a lot of educated beautiful women in the world but dealing with my crew, we all looked good, but I had to have extra. A lot of my friends skate by on their looks; I didn't want to fall into that so, I never really tried to lose weight. Until that damn friend request, lol.

Well at the beginning of this month I started working out (we are having a Biggest Loser contest for the next three months at my 2nd job). So far I've lost 3 pounds and am really enjoying exercising. I've always had fun when I did it, but now I have a purpose (not just be smaller but to be healthier overall). I also had to do it on my own. When I tried to pair up with friends, it never worked out because their obligations (scool, kids, etc) got in the way. My schedule is very predictable these days (such a boring routine!) so I have the time to do it. I have a long road to go down but its worth it. By finally accepting that I was overweight and that my justification for not doing anything sooner was silly, I now feel better than I have in years (and will look better soon).

Oh and if you were wondering, I started at 216. I'm 5 1 1/2 and a size 16. If you saw me, you would not believe it bc I have a solid muscular build but that's still too much weight on my frame. I'm taking it a day at a time though. I may not win the contest but ill surely win my health!

*update* I added a profile pic that I took at the beginning of January so that you can see me. This is me THEN =D)

Saturday Night Live (i wish)...

2009-02-21T22:30:00.002-06:00

So its Saturday night and I'm home alone. I worked earlier and ran some errands and now I'm home channel surfing. It was super cold this evening, which made it prime for snuggling, but all I have to snuggle with are the pillows on my couch and my stuffed cat Sylvester. Yes, I am a 28 year old woman with a stuffed animal. Don't judge, lol. Sylvesters been with me since I was 14 and even though he is torn and tattered, I can't sleep without him. Anyway, ahem, I'm home alone. And I'm bored. Its not that the city doesn't offer bright lights and late nights of fun. I just don't want that. I wish someone was having a set at their house or something small or intimate bc I'm starting to have a love/hate relationship with being at home. I love my apt. I have books, movies and all that jazz, but, it needs new life. I need people to come and liven it up. I'm wondering should I get a new set of friends. We've hung for yrs but, none of my friends hang together at the same time. I pair off with them bc we all share similar characteristics but each is completely different. I wish I had a cool girl entourage were we could dress up and go have fabulous dinners and drinks ala Sex and The City. My friends aren't like that. One is usually with her boyfriend or doing school work (she's finishing grad school) the other is with her kids (or her boyfriends kids) and the other, yeah she's with her kids as well, goes to school and works full time, though she gets out a tad more than them (and proves there is asuch thing as balance!) And then there is me. Single, no kids, no obligations to anyone else, and on break from school for a few more weeks. Times like these are when I wish I had a boyfriend. I find it funny bc it sounds like the only time I want one is when I don't have anything else to do, lol. But, isn't that how they say it should be? Your mate should only compliment your life, which I totally believe, but am I also saying that, after I've completed all of my tasks, then I want him around? Doesn't sound very nice. Bc would I want someone to view me that way? Probably not. I guess what the real issue is is that I'm restless. I feel like I should be doing more. I feel like I should know more people. I like having a small set of friends bc it keeps drama at bay and I really don't want a boyfriend right now bc with the way things have been going, I think I should take a break from that. I'm not meeting the type of guys that I want to seriously date, and I'm a little mad bc I'm not finding out that they AREN'T worth the investment until imy feelings have gotten involved and I think I need to step back, reassess, and see if its really me (and if I have blinders that turn on prematurely). But I need something different, some kind of change bc while I love myself and all that I am (I'm such a diva/princess/sunshine goddess!) I'm getting a little bored. Guess its time to get out and meet new people. *sigh*.....

I (WON'T) call ya

2009-02-19T14:42:00.004-06:00

Saturday I had to change my phone number. To some people, that's not a big deal. For me, it was HUGE. Why? I've had this number since I've had a cellphone. i never understood why people changed their number all of the time. It's nerve-wrecking. You get a call from an unknown # at night and wonder "who is this?" only to find out it's your bestie who, for who knows what reason, changed their #. So I never changed mine. The older I get, the more I see I am "The Reliable One". If your car won't start, you get stuck in a ditch, need a (small) loan, someone to pick up your kid, etc, I am the one to call. All I will say is, it's a gift and a curse. But by being the reliable one, i kept a reliable number. But this weekend I had to change it a bit (and got quite a few calls for it because it's JUST not like me. ) So here's what happened.....

Saturday I got a text saying "Happy Valentine's Day" from an unprogrammed number. It looked familiar so I text back asking who it was because I figured it was one of my friends who's number hadn't been reprogrammed into my new phone (if we don't talk on a fairly regular basis, you are not programmed. Doesn't mean I love you any less, lol.) And this is how it goes:

Him: John
Me: I don't know you
Him: Yes you do! If you where with your boyfriend, I didn't mean to cause any confusion!
Me: No, I don't know you. You're not even programmed in my phone. Please don't text me any more. Thanks
Him: Yes you do! I met you a couple of years back at Spin Street, right after you had a car wreck. I also saw you a couple of months ago at the movies.
Me:Dude, I have no idea who you are. If I met you years ago, why do you still have my #? Delete it! Thanks.
Him: Lol, you're so full of it!
Me: Dude, delete my f*ckin #
Him: Why did you text me back! My name is not f*cking dude. I was trying to be nice but I'm not about to play games with some b*tch. Don't text me anymore. You do you and Imma do me!

3 minutes later, I called my carrier and changed my number.

Now, I know some may wonder why did I respond (or changed my number) and here is why. I had a car wreck almost 5 (FIVE) years ago, and I have no idea who this guy is. I know guys keep chick's numbers for a while to call when they are bored, but that was extreme. 5 years? Really? I don't even know who you are, which means we never went out or even talked to each other long enough for you to make an impression, yet you still have my phone number? Then went off and asked Me not to text YOU? I don't even know who you are!!! How crazy can you be?

The reason I asked him to delete it was because if I just ignore someone, they won't stop. They continue on doing what they are doing as if nothing is wrong. As I thought about the comment he made regarding seeing me at the movies, I remember getting a text a YEAR ago (which is why the number looked familiar) from someone saying they saw me with my boyfriend. Even though I told them they had the wrong number, they continued to text and I just ignored. See what happens when I just ignore? Also, if you look at some of my old posts, I have had my fill of exes calling or texting me late at night because they are bored and or desperate for a woman at the moment. It is fine to text or call to say hello and ask how I am doing, but I ALWAYS get asked where my man is, which is none of their business and shouldn't even be part of the conversation. Because the moment I say "I'm not dating anyone" some fool is going to tell me they miss me, looked back on their life and realized they didn't give us a chance (um, we were just casual) or a crude comment implying they needed to see me so that they could "hold me". Yes, all of this has been said. I've asked them to stop, said I'm not interested, you name it, I've said it yet it still happens. And it just so happens that while I was watching Family Guy earlier in the week, one of these dipsh*ts text me at almost 11 pm. Do NOT call or text me after 10 pm unless we are on that level. That's just out of respect. I looked at my phone and saw "Hey sexy!" and almost threw it across the room. This person wasn't programmed. Why? Hadn't talked to them since September, and we weren't even serious at that time, so there was no need to keep it. So, add this to the psycho and I had had enough. I changed my number, sent it to everyone I wanted to have it (with a request for them NOT to give it out) and it's been golden ever sense....

But I still wonder who that guy was........

Valentine's Day can suck it

2009-02-14T09:15:00.004-06:00

It's Valentine's Day. As you can tell by the title, I don't like it. Not because it has been commercialized to push chocolate and lingerie (this is SURE to be the top sales quarter for Godiva and Victoria Secret, lol). But because I have never had a good one. No I don't mean that I didn't get the gift or flowers that I wanted. I mean literally, I've never had a good one. Aside from grade school when it was mandatory to pass out cards and candy to your classmates (and sometimes you'd get extra from your friends in the other classes so you KNEW you were special)V-Day has blown. Seriously! Ask any of my friends and they will give you my countdown: 4 stand ups (twice by the same guy-I guess I didn't learn my lesson), 3 break ups, 2 lame gifts, 1 fight. Yeah, if there was a 14 days of Valentine's Day song, mine would be the top depressing, lol.

Other than that, I've been single. Now let me say this. I enjoy being single and I'm thankful that I'm not stuck in some God awful one sided relationship that I see a lot of women settle for in order to have a man. I'm blessed to be able to come and go as I please and I've learned who I am as woman and have been able to nurture my spirit. So no one should feel the need to give me that speech today. You know that speech ("take this time to get you know yourself"). I GET IT. I've known who I was since I was 15 people. I actually took the time out to develop hobbies and interests outside of shopping and being chased by boys. I developed my character and personality a looong time ago. When people (and usually ones in a relationship are the ones who give it ironically) start on that, I immediately start to hear the teacher from Charlie Brown talking. Look, if it takes you being single to actually spend time learning about your wants and needs, then you got a problem. You should be doing that ANYWAY (but I digress. That's a whole other blog).

Anyway, I just wish that one year, even if it is on the cheesiest day of the year, the "forced" day of love, a man that I care about would treat me like a princess. Doesn't have to be anything spectacular or expensive, but just do the things they know I like and make me feel special. To that, people try to tell you to treat yourself special and not worry about it but I do it all the time now anyway so dammit, I want someone else to do it for a change! Sorry but because I'm not getting it, I'm a little pouty. And I have that right. Speaking of, why do people always say THAT? It's not as if you're gonna dive face first off a bridge because of valentine's day (or any other day for that matter for being single) but people act as though you should be happy 100% of the time. That's not possible. God blessed us with a range of emotions and sometimes, yes sometimes, people are angry. Or hurt. Or sad. Or disappoint. It does not make you less of a woman to be able to express how you feel. In fact, I believe it makes you more of one because you are realistic and in tune with yourself. Guess what? Sometimes, I hate being single. So what, am I crazy for admitting it out loud? No, and if you think I'm crazy well I think you're a little dead inside quite frankly.

But as I was saying, I want someone to do the most cheesiest and predictable things they could think of (the ultimate cliche's):

gift: card, flowers, stuffed animal, and chocolates. Diamond anything would be a bonus!
date: candlelit dinner, folloed by dancing and then a carriage ride
after date: champagne, strawberries and...................fade to black

Yeah I watch too much TV (lol) but yep, its' that simple. I want that one time. Then I wouldn't care so much. Because the older I get, the more irritated I get, especially at the women who, in trying to appease everyone else say "it's over-rated. Your man should treat you special everyday". To those women, who's men are SOOO special and caring 24/7, 365, what would you do it come today (and Xmas for that matter) your man actually listened to you? He actually said "well honey, we had an expensive meal last night and I bought you some flowers the day before so, let's just skip today. Me and the boys are going to shoot hoops and grab a beer. See you later!" How would you feel? Hmmm? Talk up, I can't hear you! EXACTLY, lol.

As this day looms ahead and I prepare to venture into the world (my day is full. I refuse to watch Lifetime and eat Bon-Bons all day, lol) I will not "hate" on others that appear to be in love. To those in love, enjoy Cupid's holiday. Appreciate the you spend with your mate, even if you feel it's a typical day. Love is a beautiful emotion and when it is visually expressed, it's a wonderful sight. As for me, I'll be ok. In due time......

Honesty isn't everything....

2009-02-12T22:43:00.006-06:00

As usual, my post is about dating. BUT, everything else in my life is pretty much good and on track so bear with me, lol. Anyway....

I've been going through drama these last two weeks with a guy. We've been friends for months, but decided to start dating a few weeks ago. Prior to us dating, I told him to make sure he wanted to cross that line becauseI knew he had been in contact with an ex and I didn't want to get in any drama. Plus, I'm not into the multi-dating thing. I like to actually get to know who I'm dating. If it doesn't work out, I take what I learn from it and use it moving forward. Anyway, he stated he was sure and I left it at that. Fast forward last week and I get the "I'm confused" speech. Seems mister wasn't really truthful when he "handled" his situation. Turns out, he had left a door open for her to come back to IF she decided to change a few things. Well, she took the bait and I was left stunned. I've had shitty experiences lately but I let my guard down for him becuase he knew all of this (we WERE friends first) and so, I felt secure in doing so. I believed his honesty. When this all came out and he actually asked me to give him time (because he was SOOO confused you see) I debated doing so because well, I liked him. Anyhoo, I sobered up after we had a few more conversations (because as it turns out, he was confused about a few other fundamental things) and I told him we were just friends. I still liked him but I knew something was off; just couldn't pinpoint what it was. Well, we ended up having a huge argument about a few inapropriate comments he made to me yesterday and now, our friendship, if it still exists, is in limbo.

Today my aunt (who I never go into detail with about who I'm dating . I have my reasons) asked about "my friend" and how things were going between us. I told her we were no longer dating and why. She asked me "did the other girl know as much as you did about the situation?" I'd asked him the same thing when he told me and his answer was no. She then told me I'd made the right decision to end things. She let me know, just because he was honest with me didn't mean anything. Reason being, he was and has not been honest with her. He chose to not tell her everything because he didn't want to jeopardize things with HER. She told me, had we been in a serious situation, she would be the one that would end up with the ring because that's were his heart/mind was. I had never looked at it from that perspective before. I always assumed that I was ahead of the game because men were always able to be honest with me with how they felt and if they were confused about anything. But looking back, I realize, I was only told the truth because they felt it would be easier to negotiate dating two women at the same time for some reason. It may be because I'm more easy going and not a brat in my relationships. But, it seems as though it could be to a fault. Because if they had to choose between us, it would be the other woman. My aunt said she went through it when she was my age. When her boyfriend (my now uncle) came home from medical school out of state, she found out he still had a girlfriend back there. She said she told him not to contact her until he'd gotten his affairs in order. She then proceded to ignore him completely for the next 3 weeks because she did not want to be taken advantage of. She cared about him but she knew if she had just stayed around instead of giving him that ultimatum, he wouldve milked it for as long as he could. As I listened, it just reaffirmed what I suspected: While he did like me, it wasn't enough. I believe he was hoping to suppliment the time he wasn't with her (she doesn't live in the city) with me. In the event thigns went wrong with them, he would still have old, reliable Kim by his side. I will not lie and say I wasn't sad that it ended (I still am to a certain extent because I'm human and can't turn my emotions off like that) but I refuse to dwell on it for too long because it's not as if I really lost anything. I kept my integrity, which is more important than any man. I know what I want and though sometimes I may get sidetracked, I refuse to knowingly settle. I'm at a point in my life were I want an exclusive relationship. I want someone that is content with just being with me, and we both build and take a chance on seeing where the road will lead us. Going back to what my aunt said, I want to be the girl that the man is more scared of losing. Not necessarily the one that he's most honest with. Two totally different things.....

The life that almost was Part 2

2009-02-07T22:15:00.001-06:00

When my ex and I got back together, initially everything was good. We both were working and I'd just gotten a car so, we were able to go out and spend as much time as we wanted together. We were together all the time. I still hung out with my girls when we all were available but he and I were together a lot. At first it was cute but, at that young of an age (20) it wasn't healthy. You can come codependent on a person (or vice versa in our case) and if they are unable to get the time they want, things can go haywire.

As I got older and became more independent, we started to drift apart. There were so many things that I wanted to learn and try and he was more comfortable doing the same things and living a basic life. He had the mentality of, you go to work, you come home and on occasion, you hang out with friends. You only go to the movies or out to dinner. That was it. And while I will never knock anyone for choosing that lifestyle, it was clear that it wasn't for me. I knew I wanted to travel, experiment with various foods and cultural offerings and I couldn't share any of that with him. As I grew as a woman, he became more stagnant and our fights intensified. About 8 months later, after the final fight (in which I chose NOT to fight back and called the police) we broke up for the final time. Throughout that whole ordeal, I learned that I would never stay with a person just to make them happy. I would have to have the desire to be there as well.I also learned that abuse is abuse. Doesn't matter if you fight back; you should never be subjected to or accept it in the first place. That's not love. He and I ended on ok terms and yrs later, he apologized for what he did. Bc he came from a disfunctional home, I was the first real person to show him that I accepted him for him and had his back and his anger came from a fear of being abandoned. He knows what he did is wrong, and he vowed never to put his hands on another woman, which I think he has stuck to. I use to wonder if I made a mistake (we were just young) bc dating has been so crazy for me these last few yrs.But...

About a year ago he contacted me and asked to hang out. I went to visit him and it amazed me how he had not changed a bit, and by that, I knew I'd done the right thing. I was instantly taken back 8 yrs. He still lived in the same place (with his mother) and still did the exact same things. Don't get me wrong, he works hard and takes care of his mother but NOTHING has changed. The way he dresses, the places he goes, the people he sees, its all the same. Even his conversation was the same. I only stayed an hour bc he kept talking about the past and our relationship and that made me uncomfortable bc I was in one at the time and it felt as though he was trying to get back with me. That door has long been closed. Even now, he texts me and I'm always cordial but the moment he brings things up, I end it. Because he's stuck in the past. I'm light years away and in all actuality, I am grateful for what we went through because had I not experienced that, I would have still been living the life I lived at 20 (working a job but not a career, still being the one with the vehicle, maybe even with a child by now) and that's NOt the life I have now. I'm blessed that I endured, bc now I'm moving ahead. My friend's quote was not necessarily in regards to dating and relationships (it was in regards to life in general) but for me, its all intertwined...

I'm worth a lot

2009-02-03T21:12:00.000-06:00

I saw this on a friend's Facebook page and I thought it summed up what women, especially in my demographic (young, educated professional) are or should be striving for:

In a brief conversation, a man asked a woman he was pursuing the question "What kind of man are you looking for?" She sat quietly for a moment before looking him in the eye and asking. "Do you really want to know?" Reluctantly, he said, "Yes." She began to expound... As a woman in this day and age, I am in a position to ask a man what he can do for me that I can't do for myself. I pay my own bills. I take care of my household without the help of any man...or woman for that matter. I am in the position to ask, "What can you bring to the table?" The man looked at her. Clearly he thought that she was referring to money. She quickly corrected his thought and stated, "I am not referring to money. I need something more." I need a man who is striving for perfection in every aspect of life." He sat back in his chair, folded his arms, and asked her to explain. She said, "I am looking for someone who is striving for perfection mentally because I need conversation and mental stimulation. I don't need a simple-minded man." I am looking for someone who is striving for perfection spiritually because I don't need to be unequally yoked... believers mixed with unbelievers is a recipe for disaster. I need a man who is striving for perfection financially because I don't need a financial burden.
I am looking for someone who is sensitive enough to understand what I go through as a woman, but strong enough to keep me grounded. I am looking for someone who I can respect. In order to be submissive, I must respect him. I cannot be submissive to a man who isn't taking care of his business. I have no problem being submissive...he just has to be worthy. God made woman to be a helpmate for man. I can't help a man if he can't help himself.
When she finished her spill, she looked at him. He sat there with a puzzled look on his face. He said, "You're asking a lot."
She replied, "I'm worth a lot."

The life that almost was Part 1

2009-01-29T23:35:00.006-06:00

"we must endure to move ahead"

a few days ago, a lady that i'm friends with on one of the social networking sites i belong to posted that she noticed that a lot of her high school classmates were now married to their sweethearts or old crushes from school. She jokingly asked was this a sign for her to go back. I immediately cringed because when i think back about my highschool "sweetheart" it urkes me. We were together on and off from the time I was 16 until 20 and while I experienced so much stuff with him, it was not all peaches and creme. What started off as a random crush turned into puppy love, then transitioned into some of the darkest periods of my life. I'm a better woman for it but, I wish that I had payed attention to the first sign that this would be an abusive relationship on so many levels (emotionally, mentally, and physically). We broke up almost 8 yrs ago but he called or texts me randomly and sadly, he is still stuck in those yrs. I, on the other hand, have grown exponentially, and I shudder thinking about how my life would be had I never reached the point were I had had enough. This is how it began....

I met him my sophmore yr. I knew who he was from jr high but I never really talked to him. He was a grade higher, and he was one of the guys that came to my parents house to get his hair cut by my brother. One night, my bff at the time went to one of the city wide parties and while we were waiting for her mom to come and pick us up, he came over to speak. We were in a convention center (one of the ballrooms has been rented out) and my friend and i were standing next to the pay phones. He walked up to me and said something random ( I can't recall what) and we started talking and a little light flirting. My girl wandered off to talk to his friend and the next thing I knew, he kissed me. I was a prude so how I let him kiss me without slapping the crap out of him, I had no idea. Well, we exchanged numbers and my friend and I left, hair sweated out, and giggling over what just happened with me. So he called me over the next couple of days and we talked, laughed, and within the week, he was my new boyfriend (cause thats how we rolled back then, lol). Well, for some reason, we never talked at school. If we did, it was when no one saw us. I later learned it was because he was juggling women but at the time, I didn't think anything of it. I was excited because I was learning so much from him about music (introduced me to Pac, Biggie, Wu-Tang, etc) and street life in general. I wasn't green to that life and he wasn't directly involved, but he had friends who were so it made for interesting conversation. I thought he was a genuinely good guy, just a little rough around the edges. In my eyes, we were teenagers so it was to be expected. My friends however, knew something was up and didn't like him. We dated for about a month and then we called it quits. Not sure why but we remained friends. Over the summer, we went seperate ways but we talked the entire month before his senior yr. My crush had come back but it was short lived because he had moved on to another girlfriend. For my enire jr yr (his senior), I watched him happily flaunt his new girlfriend around school. I laugh now because I don't know why it bothered me so much ( I dated as well) but my friends knew I was slightly depressed. Well they broke up at the end of the yr and somehow, we got back together my senior yr. We found time to hang out even though he'd graduated and everything was ok. not great but, ok. Right around easter, he and I had a major argument and during the conversation, he called me out of my name. I had always been one of those girls who didn't stand for anything so I immediately went off, we broke up, and that was that. A few weeks later I met the cutest guy and moved on. That should've been the end of our story but a few weeks later, he called me. We talked briefly and once he found out I was dating, he got upset and the begging began. Me being a sucker for love (because I did love him), broke up with the other guy (something that I regret TO THIS DAY) and we got back together. We finished out my senior yr together (nothing exciting to talk about; we didn't even go to prom together)and looked forward to spending the summer together before I went off to school in the fall.

For reasons I will never know, my planned trip to TSU didn't work out and right before my freshman yr started, I enrolled at The U of M. Our relationship was still going strong but, over the summer we'd had heated arguments over the stupidest things and at various points, I'd been called out of my name and remarks had been made about how I look. So, things were a little strained but "love" kept us together. I chose to live on campus and on the weekends, his god brother would come to get me and I would stay over there (sorry mom). One weekend, we had another bad argument and this resulted in him hitting me for the first time. We were arguing and as I walked away from him and past his godbrother, he hit me from behind in my head. We were in his kitchen and as I swung around to hit him and/or throw something I stopped when I realized that no one knew where I was and there were 2 men in that room so they could've easily hurt me and left me anywhere. The fact that I even thought that should've told me something was wrong but I was so naive when I was young it still hadn't clicked. I simply got mad, huffed, and asked to be taken back to school. He apologized on the way back but that day opened the door to many more arguments and physical fights. To this day, I am remembered as being the girl screaming on the phone with her boyfriend in her dorm room because her boyfriend was jealous and didn't want her to experience college life. We broke up at the end of my first semester. It felt like a weight had been lifted and during the spring semester, I was finally able to experience what college life was suppose to be about. The late night study sessions, parties, step-shoes, cute boys, new friends, all of that. Life was good and I had pushed everything that had happened to the back of my mind. All through summer, up until that September, my love life was easy breezy. Until I got that call.....

That last 5%

2009-01-16T12:36:00.001-06:00

I saw him 3 days ago. Him is an ex, my Mr. Big (if you watch Sex and The City, you understand. If not, um, go and get the seasons. You are SOOO behind). Anyhoo, he is the one that I dated almost 6 years ago, fell head over heels in love with, and then was dropped like a bad habit because of his issues with comittment. He was a tad older (I was 22, he was 31) and I never felt like I was enough for him. Yeah I'm cute, smart, and all that jazz but, not too long before I met him, I was a little lost in the world. Didn't have a real career in mind (just knew I wanted to have it all), and I was still learning about who I was as a woman. But for some reason, he was interested. We dated HEAVY for 3 months. The amount of time we spent together was equivalent to a year. I mean, my eyes glazed over when I saw him, and "Crazy In Love" was on repeat in my mind 24/7. I'd dated guys longer than him but something about him gave me "future hubby" vibe. And just like that, it disappeared. Now, he didn't disappear. He "haunted" me a good 2 years after the fact (visits here, sleepover's there) but they were never of the same calibar as the initial dating period. And for who knows what reason, I always let him back in, hoping, wishing, that one day he would tell me he made a mistake and before someone else snatched me up, he wanted to wife me. Yeah, that dream never happened. It took me to get stood up for that last time (I think it was New Years 05/06) for me to finally cut it off. That's not to say I never dated during this time because I came across some interesting people, The Mirage (he was perfection that I think I dreamed), Mr. Activist (unexpected instant connect that was over before it could really start. YOUR fault!), Mr. Sensitive (all he wanted was a hug, lmao), and some more who one day I will write about. I just always held something for him. But, I finally cut it off because I would have eventually become a bitter and jaded woman. Scorned by love. So, I let it go. Now, I still get random calls and visits here and there. On occasion, we even have heated arguments. They usually stem from me letting him know that he may come and visit me but no funny business. He then gets mad, tells me he's not checking for me like that, and we go back and forth, sometimes beign very hurtful towards each other. Because truth be told, we both know if I allowed him back in my life, he would come with no problem at all. We have mad chemistry. I've never felt the way I feel for him for anyone else (Mr. Activist was close. VERY close. ). So, I always had to give him that disclaimer so that we were both on the same page. He never really liked it...

Well, he's been calling me for the past 2 weeks and I kind of put him off, not intentionally, but not NOT intentionally, if that makes sense. I'm just at a point where, I limit who I spend my friee time with. Now, a few months ago, he and I hung out and I got closure on about 95% of things that I still had questions about regarding us. We're at a point now where we can hang out w/o any preconceived notions. He is a wonderful conversationalist. Highly intelligent. We can spend hours waxing philosophic. We have a twisted relationship (his words) and are friends. But still, because I said I was changing some things in 09 for myself (I'll post that soon. still putting it together in my brain) I would conveniently forget to call him back. Well this time, I told him to come through. I asked how far he was and he said not far. He knocked on the door LITERALLY 3 minutes later. I was running around trying to hide stuff (had been slacking on the cleaning, lol) and BAM! Knock. Knock.

As usual, he looked *sigh*. Always does. But of course, I have learned to tame those feelings with a steele cage so I let him in and we caught up. And AS USUAL, he assume my "negligence" was due to a man. Typical. Men always assume that you've met someone else and that's why there's distance. News Flash Guys: when a good girl meets a dude like that, you will get ignored COMPLETELY. There is a line I draw whenever I date someone seriously. I limit contact with all males unless they are 100% platonic friends. It's called respect and men really need to learn that. Anyway, I found it funny that he said that because, 10 minutes later he asked (like he always does) when were we gonna get married. I always find that funny because, if he really was concerned about that, wouldn't things be different between us? I called him out on that and he told me that he broke up with me because, I was the woman he never wanted to hurt. Because he's been through so much and still is getting stuff in order, I was the one chick that, he would NEVER want to do harm too. He doesn't think that he did harm by being a fly by night dude for those 2 years. He thinks he did me a favor. Normally, I would've been pissed but he explained a few more things to me (I won't post here because well, he trusted it with me) but he did clarify the other 5%. We talked more, hugged and then he left. I don't know if/when we will hang out again, but I thank him for that. Men don't understand how powerful communication is. I have closure on that relationship and, who knows what may happen down the line (the door may open back up) but he did help me understand why he did some of the things he did and it gave me insight overall with the issues that men deal with when choosing a mate. Thank you.....

Men say the darndest things

2009-01-12T23:51:00.003-06:00

I had an interesting conversation with one of my guy friends today. He's single and dating, looking for that "special someone". Well, we got to talking (well texting in this day and age) about dating, when it becomes exclusive, when do you tell the others, etc and things got interesting. His viewpoint blew my mind. But let me back up and expain. So he said he's trying to find his future wife, and he has a nice little crop to pick from. They all fit his basic criteria (cute, smart/college educated, good jobs, funny, nice dressers, etc.). One left the scene but came back out of the blue this week. I figured that she was playing a game and wanted him to chase after her but once she saw he wasn't the type to do that, curiousity got the best of her and she came back to find out way. He says she did it because she thought he was running game at first and was stepping back from it because she didn't want to get used. At any rate, I asked did she know that he was dating other women (because he actually could be a good catch)and he stated no. "I don't consider it dating until me and the person decide to become exclusive, so, I'm technically single right now". Say what? Now, in all of my 28 yrs, dating went like this:

exchange numbers
dates (as many as you need to determine if you should be exclusive)
relationship/exclusiveness

he sees it as this:

exchange numbers
meeting
1st official date (he says its the 3rd one)
dates
exclusiveness
relationship

I thought you dated to find an exclusive, not find an exclusive to date. Now, after he broke his viewpoint down, i was confused. He basically said that he doesn't date a person unless they are in a relationship. Before that, anything that they do is done just as friends. I asked him does everyone know that he's talking to other people. He said because he's not dating anyone BUT if he does decide to get exclusive, he will let the others know. And this is where I got peeved. Now, I'm not going to go into full detail regarding what was discussed but I told him that he needs to be honest with everyone because he isn't the only one looking for his SO (significant other). I told him that he has just figured out a way to date as many women as possible because of the categories that he has created and he is justifying it by calling himself a gentleman and just wanting to show women a good time even though that's not really the case. He's basically auditioning people. He was offended and thought I was comparing him to "every other man" but I told him no, it isn't that. He's just figured out a "smarter" way to date multiple women w/o the stress that most men get from creeping around. Because, if he's not technically dating anyone, he doesn't have to tell the women that there are others. An exception was made for one, and thats only because she told him that she was dating other people first. Everyone is just his friend (he tried to use us hanging out as an example but I told him, you flirt with them, you don't flirt with me (and vice versa so there is a difference buddy).

Ladies, the next time you meet a single man who has a lot of women friends, be aware that many of those "friends" are candidates that he's choosing a potential mate from. Because he has chosen to label everyone as a friend, he feels that he now has a pass and doesnt owe anyone an explaination for anything. We went out to dinner last week and I noticed that he told 2 of the girls that called that he was with a friend. He didnt say homegirl, or my friend Kim. He just said a friend, which is very vague. I know people say that all the time but it stuck out to me for some reason and today it became clear.

Oh, and when it comes to relationships? He said that being exclusive and being in a relationship are two different things. WTH? That, is a load of crap and I called him out on that. I'm sorry but, if we have that conversation that we say we are now dating exclusively, we ARE in a relationship. There is no way in hell that I would exclusively date a person yet not be titled as the girlfriend. Because in my eyes, that means that we aren't building towards anything. Maybe if I was younger, still in college living on campus I would fall for that but um, no. I'm at a point where, labels are to be issued, roles defined. I'm tired of the in-betweens (cut buddies, fwbs, kickin -it partners, etc) because it has caused people to no longer value real monogamy. Why be serious with a person when at any given moment, you can move on to something else? If you choose to live like that, that's fine but, I don't want that life anymore. For myself, it has left me unfulfilled and I need a little more. I need someone I can build something with, even if just for a short period of time. I told him, he's basically a time waster. Because if he's dating all of them like this, there are gonna be some angry women once he makes the call to inform them they weren't chosen. Some may agree to date in this manner but many won't. I know I won't. But at least I learned that there are a lot of men that believe this and it helped me understand previous conversations that I've had with men regarding their dating style. He put it in layman's terms (the other's werent as clear). And he's also prepared for the future so that I know that if I meet someone with this mentality, I may need to walk the other way. Thanks for the enlightenment!!!

Life in the Fab Lane

2009-01-08T11:13:00.000-06:00

So last night as I dried my hair, I watched Kimora Lee Simmons: Life in the Fab Lane season 1 DVD. Now, a lot of people don't like Kimora for various reasons (she's loud, a bitch, was only with Russell for the money, etc) but, one of the things that you can't deny is that she's an extremely savvy business woman. If you've read her book Fabulosity, you would know that Baby Phat was given to her as basically, a side project (something to keep busy with if you will) and she was able to flip it into one the most prominent labels in hip-hop, if not in fashion period. Everyone doesn't go for it but you can't deny that its very lucritive. Its now turning into a lifestyle brand. Now, this isn't a hop on the Kimora bandwagon post. I'm writing bc, I looked at while she's been privileged (a model that married a mogul and then became one herself) and has been afforded better opportunities, she's still only 33 yrs old. She's accomplished a lot in only a short period of time. Baby Phat is only 10 yrs old, and her other ventures weren't launched til years later. Looking at the big scheme of things, I need to get on my hustle. If she can accomplish all of that in 10 yrs, imagine what I could do. And, the biggest thing is that she did it HER way. She hasn't changed who she is or what she believes in in order to get what she wants. Now, I agree, she can be more tactful (cause homegirl is a bit ghetto, lol) but I also respect the fact that she sticks to her guns and never settles for less. If you look past her "attitude" you just might see what I mean. Now, time for me to update my 5 year plan....

Who's schedule do you love on?

2008-12-30T20:28:00.002-06:00

Things I've received confirmation on regarding matters of the heart in 2008:

There's no such thing as bad timing when it comes to relationships. Either you both want it at the same time and will work on it, or you don't. Either way, it takes two.
Strong women do not intimidate men. If they want you, they will do whatever it takes to get you. The one you want may be "scared" of you but there are four others waiting in the wings for a chance. They could give a damn about your sass.
If you let your heart constantly overpower your mind, you will constantly live in a state of regret. You can't throw caution to the wind all of the time.
You do have some control over how much heartache you experience. Either you will ignore the signs when they appear, or you will take heed and be more careful. The choice is yours.

As this year wraps up, I am doing as most people do: rehashing the good, the bad, and the ugly of my life. While not making resolutions (so friggin cliché, lol) I have been pondering what changes I need to make going into the New Year regarding my health, career, friends, and other personal relationships so that I continue to grow as a woman. Lately, my girls and I have been talking heavily about relationships, what we want from them going into the New Year (and/or lifetime), and what we've learned from past ones. While we all have different tastes, we did notice a common denominator in the men we dated. Many of the guys we have met through the years were, at the time we were dating them, "going through something" that prevented them from fully committing to us like they said they wanted to. Many had potential to be great loves, but something always stood in their way. Either it was work, school, family, friends, age, and maturity, hell, even hurt from past relationships. The point is, some other factor always got in the middle of our situation. But as we dug deeper, we did realize that they were able to do and be everything WE wanted them to be with SOMEONE ELSE. Before us (and sometimes after), they were god's gift to women, but with us, there was always an excuse given to justify them not being enough of what we needed (sidebar: people have a BAADD habit of pulling a "Joe". They will "promise to do all the things your ex/current won't do" but it's hardly ever the case. So, this is how we know they were "god's gift" at some point). Anyway, for a second it made us wonder if something was wrong with us and maybe we had wanted too much in return. However, we all knew we weren't asking for extremes, just basic love/like, understanding, and a little time. The simple things. Something never added up though. Before us and after us, they were damn near perfect. But when they were with us, WE were damn near perfect, so they say. Yet they never reciprocated that sentiment (they merely expressed their desire to eventually do so, once everything was in order). Unfortunately, there was always something in the way, and let them tell it, it was too hard to explain. But once things ended and we both moved on, they went back to their "old ways" of being god's gift, lol. We all still got calls from them asking who we were with, what we were doing, etc. Though we had moved on, it was a little hurtful to see how "capable" they now were to love and be in a relationship. Well, we all had a hard pill to swallow when we accepted the fact that when we dated, they just weren't that into us. Simple as that. As perfect as they said we were, we weren't perfect for THEM. Just something to do to pass the time. Therefore, they never really cared enough to try to please us. But we couldn't stay mad because, we knew something was off as well when we met them. We just settled and ignored the signs/red flags for the sake of being in a relationship with that person. All because we saw the potential they had. That was our mistake (and what brings me to the core of my blog).

We realized that we made poor choices in our mates. We let a few common interests lead us into situations with people that we never should have seriously dated in the first place. Sure, some of our past relationships just ran their natural course, but some, in all honesty, never should have gone past a first date. We KNEW BETTER, but we did that shit anyway just because we thought we could fix things or that they will get better in time. Who wants to be alone, you know? Most people crave a special connection with someone else. If you haven't been jaded by all of the BS that's floating around, you want a relationship that is unequivocal to any other connection you have with the people in your life. The thing is, how much should you settle for and excuse? How much will you accept as fact and as fiction? I think that if you meet someone, regardless of their situation, if they really want to be with you, be the one you need (regardless of the "title" which everyone seems to have issues with nowadays), they will figure out a way to balance their life so that you will be included and neglect will be at a minimum. Call me optimistic but I just don't think love should be as hard as it's been these last few years. I think we need to be more selective with who we let in our lives, and in our hearts. I can remember many nights I stayed out or up late to be with that guy, put my schoolwork on hold to talk to him when he got a free moment, even cancelled plans with friends or family just to hang out with him. I gladly sacrificed that (and will forever do that with who I care about) because I understand the importance of having someone in your life other than your friends and family that you can depend on no matter what. There is nothing like having a special someone in your corner that you can call at the drop of a dime and vice versa. You share secrets, dreams, and goals with them that you keep from other people. The security and comfort that you get from them, their touch, is priceless. But I now know I have to hold people accountable for what they do. And I also have to hold myself accountable for what I accept in return. Because in the end, how even is the trade? While you sacrifice things in your life, are they doing that for you? Are they putting things on hold for you? Not all the time, but on occasion so that at least you can see you both are on the same page with things? Whose schedule do you love on?

Now, let me say this. Some may have TRULY had real obstacles to overcome, and I applaud them if they were TRULY being honest but those are the exception (and can skip over this blog). Here's my thing: we will run across people with great potential until we meet the one we truly want as our significant other. However, we have to make a conscious decision regarding what we deem as acceptable "relationship" behavior. We have to make better choices about who we spend our time with. We all have specific wants and needs, and know what our tolerance level is (don't base yours on your friends because you're two different people and like different things. Live and love for yourself). We (supposedly) know what we want and quite possibility, we will meet someone who has a bit of that and we may decide to take another chance. But if you/I/we decide to do that, will we do it and accept just an empty promise of potential, or will we expect some type of progression? Will we ever learn from our past mistakes? I now know that if I choose to take a chance on someone's potential in the future, in order for me not to be unnecessarily hurt, I need to have some type of "guarantee" in place. I need to know, feel, and see that their issue/problem/setback is short term and not just an excuse for them to coast by without being held accountable for their actions or the heartache they may cause. I've been through enough nonsense to know that that confused, unrequited-love-because-I-don't-have-myself-together-but-want-to-do-everything-that-is-included-in-a-relationship crap is so over-rated. We all have standards but very seldom hold those we like up to them. We give them a pass and that needs to change. If the person isn't trying to actually LIVE UP to their potential WITH YOU in the present, don't be surprised if it never travels down that path. I know I no longer will be.

Use your mind but guard your heart. Everyone doesn't deserve it. They will prove it if they do!

Do you have friends or frenemies?

2008-11-07T19:27:00.000-06:00

It's so hard to maintain friendships with females nowadays. It use to be, those were the people you went to for everything: a friend to laugh with, a shoulder to cry on; someone to share the latest thoughts on fashion with. But now, it seems like women are constantly in competition with you. Be it to be a better cook, dresser, lover, friend, sister, whatever, it seems like there is a need to "one" up each other. No longer are you able to give or get advice from them. Now, everyone knows everything, no one needs helps, and women are now more focused on themselves than they are on others. You should always put yourself first (because if you don't who will) but what happened to helping your sistergirl grow? What happened to putting your thoughts or needs to the side just to listen when they need it. We live in a "ME" society. It's all about me, my wants, my needs. Forget everything else and everyone. Women no longer share that strong bond that your mothers and grandmothers did back in the day. Now, theres trash talking, fake smiling, and back stabbing going on. But why? When did this occur? When did it become ok? Why is it ok (or deemed normal) to go days without talking to your friends? Or listening and helping them through a situation? How did we get to the point were we no longer seeked out women with mutual interests to share thoughts, dream, lunch, tea, and books with? Is it because of relationships? Why is it ok to neglect everyone and everything because of a relationship, yet turn around and be sad because we have no one to hang out with when he goes to hangout with his peeps. Men have their issues with their friends, but I have yet to see them push their friendships to the side just because they are with someone. I wonder if that is the reason. Or, because female empowerment is at an all-time high, do we think it's weak to still need someone to talk to when times get rough? No one trusts anyone anymore. When did that become the norm?

Lost One

2008-11-03T13:26:00.000-06:00

Lost One Current mood: tested Category: Friends
Be careful what you say to people. You never know who's paying attention and who keeps score. Make sure you keep your facts straight, or at least keep track of your lies so that you don't get caught up. Never try to make someone else's situation worse than yours to justify what you go through. If it's good, it's good. If it's f*cked up, that's just that on that.Keep things to yourself that you don't want advice or comments on. Quit complaining to people if you truly don't want feedback. Not everyone is a passive listener. How can you be offended when a reaction is based on everything YOU'VE told? Understand the true meaning of friendship. Know that there is a time limit on some things, and you can wear out your welcome when it comes to certain "amenities" offered by friends.

Ive truly learned that people come into your life for a reason, a season, or a lifetime in these last few months. Some who you thought may be there for a lifetime can sometimes show colors other than those prevalent on a rainbow, and that is a truly enlightenling yet equally sad experience. Know what role that people play in your life and vice versa. Truly be honest with yourself about their character, and about your own. Sometimes, things may not be as they have always seemed. It may be time for a change.....

Are we living in pessimistic times?

2008-10-24T07:21:00.002-05:00

Do you see the glass as half empty or half full? Do you see the negative parts of a situation before you even begin to name the positive attributes? More importantly, do you tear down people's situations in order to make yours look better? If you answer yes to any of those, you, my dear, are a pessimist and you need to take a step back and re-evaluate your thought process. Need a real life example to really determine if that's you? Ok here's one: your friend runs into an old friend and learns that they are now married with a child. They bring the news back to a mutual friend (you) and do you say you're happy for them or do you say they probably only got married because they were pregnant? If you chose the latter, why? Even thought that could very well be true, why would you automatically say that instead of believing that they could be part of the group that hasn't fallen into the "oops I'm preggers/daddy has a shot-gun!" wedding club? I experienced this and I was confused after the conversation. I mean, I knew they didn't mean it in a completely bad way but, it's like every one's mind is pre-set on the negative dial and it's a crime to gasp! actually believe otherwise. It's a shame that nowadays, you'll be branded gullible and naive just because you say you're happy for someone else and don't assume to know the "real" reason behind why they did it. But why is it so strange to think like that now? Why do I have to put their situation down? Is it suppose to make me feel better about mine? What's the point? Why be pessimistic and find something wrong with everything? Don't people realize that, pessimism is a self-fullfiling prophecy and as long as you expect the worse, you will receive the worse? We spend so much time being catty (especially women but men do it as well) that we don't realize that hmm, that may be why we don't have that many friends, the kind of relationship we want, or even the career we want. We have so little faith in general that we give up on the possibilities (whatever they may be for you) before they can even take shape. Then, we find ourselves living ordinary lives, yet simultaneously complaining about the position we are in and how we wish they were different. Well duh what else did you think would happen! If all you see is the worse (in other people and in yourself) how can you ever expect to start that next chapter in your life? You've cancelled everything out because you've lost faith? That doesn't sound like a fun way to live..........

I said all of that to say that, I don't want to be part of this new "society", and I hope that there are still some people who feel that way as well. I refuse to live the life of a person who is suspicious of everyone, that's hesitant to try new things because of a fear of failure, who believes that all men/women are dogs/gold-diggers and are out to use you. I refuse to believe that relationships that have minimum doses of drama can't exist. I refuse to be a Debbie Downer! Call me naive but I do think that there are still some good people, places, things, etc. They may be few and far between but they do exist. I refuse to be jaded because of life's mishaps. I take it in stride, learn from it, and push on. My heart and mind stays positive and open to the possibilities, which in turn keeps it open for the BLESSINGS....

Can you give what you ask for?

2008-10-19T14:20:00.001-05:00

Sitting here in bed, 3 am, I can't sleep because I haven't winded down from finishing up my homework yet. Laying here, my mind wondered, and as usual, it went into that little cubbyhole in my mind dedicated to housing thoughts about matters of the heart. I started thinking about all of the relationships (and "un" relationships) that I've been in over the last few years and, I realized that, damn, I was a good woman to everyone I dated! Not to toot my own horn but (toot-toot!), I can say that I was thoughtful, considerate, compassionate, caring, respectful, honest and forthcoming, loving, gave time, and put effort towards really getting to know my mate so that we would be on the same page, level, etc. Basically, I did my part. I gave what I could give, and then some. I sacrificed time, sleep, held my tongue even when I wanted to spit fire (most of the time anyway, lol), payed attention to the little things that made them smile, tried to think of other ways to make them laugh and keep them interested. I tried to be a positive addition to their life. Not that anything I did was oh so major but, I put forth an effort to have a connection with them, and not just in a physical sense. Sadly, I can only say a few did it in return, and not for very long. Which leads me to my question(s) of the day (or blog, lol): how much or how long should you give before you give up and let go? And why do people ask for what they themselves cannot give?

We've established that it takes maturity (through age or experience) to truly understand what you want and are capable of giving. But my thing is, why are so many people able to sprout off a list of "demands" regarding what they want, yet they themselves aren't even able to give 10%? They put no true effort into pleasing anyone in return. Oh, they make grand declarations about what they want or can do for you, yet none of the "gifts" they can bring to the table ever materialize. But is it because of selfishness? Vulnerability? Why talk about what you can't or are unwilling to back up? Back in the day, both men and women made it a point to be interesting, to be fun, to be worthwhile to whoever they were interested in. They had fun just as we do now, but, it wasn't just about your next hook-up or next trick. It was about finding someone that you could have in your corner through thick and thin, someone that you could let your guard down with, confess your innermost thoughts and feelings with. What happened to that? Nowadays, you can barely get a person to tell you what they do for a living or for fun let alone know what they may be going through emotionally or mentally. Almost everyone has a brick wall up around their hearts and minds. There's an opening big enough to let surface/superficial information in, but very few people allow you to get any closer to them. But, at the same time, they will still say what they want or need from you, and will complain if you're not forthcoming with it ASAP. On top of that, they will sit around with friends and have roundtable discussions about the opposite sex and their lack of, well, everything, when they know very well that their actions (or lack thereof) are what have cause them to be in the state they are in now. With that being said, I wonder will people ever be able to be open minded (and hearted) again? Or is it all headed down hill from here, and eventually we will only have baby mommas/daddys and/or "friends" (with sorry ass benefits)? For someone who hasn't been jaded by unsuccessful relationships YET, that's a scary thought........

As I listen to "Superhuman", it makes me wonder if love of that calibar still exists or is it becoming obsolete. Will it ever return?

Desperate or Just Selective?

2008-10-14T19:18:00.000-05:00

If a person is not in a committed relationship, meaning, they may be dating here and there but no labels have been assigned, does that mean they are looking or waiting for someone to come save them? Does it mean that they are on constant watch for a boyfriend/girlfriend? Does it mean that they are ready and willing to talk to any and everyone that shows interest just so that they won't be alone, regardless if they really like them or not? Or if they even know them? Does it mean that is ok for people to call them at all times of the night, or pop up unexpectantly just to say hey because, well, they're single, right? It's not like they have anyone staying over, right? Who would they be disrespecting if they showed up, or called at 3 am? You're single, right? See, i ask all this because my friends and I have experienced this. People we just meet or use to date assume that because we aren't technically in a relationship at that time, it's ok to call whenever they feel like it, or stop by at any given moment if they see our car at home because the last time they talked to us (be it a day, week, month, or year ago) we were single so it shouldn't be a problem. Question is, when does it become rude and an invasion of your personal space and time when people do this? Why is it ok? Why do people assume that, it's always ok to go back? Why do they assume that even if you are still single for whatever reason, it's because you are waiting on them? That you will forever like them? Why is it not feasible that you could, quite possibly, be over them (if you were ever under them at that, lol)? We've asked similar questions like this before (even of the ones who do it) yet no one can explain when it became acceptable. Even the guilty parties can't explain. Usually, we are labeled as being mean because we question these actions. But seriously, can someone tell me why people do this?

Why can't a person be happy alone, be focused on their career, family, or just themselves period? Why can't they just enjoy the dating experience and get to know other people and themselves as well, so that they can figure out what they want when they finally are ready to be in a committed relationship? Why can't they be tired of the same old thing?
When did being single equal being desperate for companionship?